I've Just about had it!!!!!!!!! #$%^&!!!!
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By:
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Mo
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Mood:
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Angry
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Date:
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Feb 09, 2013
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Music:
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None
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I am bustin my butt trying to get better/change and people just cant stop trying to tell me how to feel. I came out of a psych med coma to find that the one person who is supposed to love me......can't deal with me unhappy in any way. So I hear "you SHOULD be grateful" when i am ticked that my refurbished cell phone i got was missing all these basic appps that should have been on there. We try not to go to bed angry....but I got abandoned without even a good night when i said "please don't say should" and "you are tring to tell me how to feel." So, I called my Gram and it was good to hear her voice......at almost 88; she still remembers me but not that I live 1000 miles away. Sheasked if i could stop in at the nursing home tonight. I feel like booking a flight and gettting the f@ck out of here. Except there is a foot a snow up there and I just went fishing today and caught my first shark. I feel alone again.....'cept for my dog at my feet. :) So, I am not alone....I just don't want human contact........ I am so angry ; sick and tired of the theatrics. the drama, the "relationship". We are going on vacation soon and how the hell are we gonna get along? I can't take it anymore. I feel like giving up....again. The couples therapist we are seeing is in total agreement with my partner most of the time. This week they want to see me get off my meds for bipolar and anxiety. WTF ARE THEY INSANE????????????????????????????????????????????? Is this some reverse psychology b.s.? Do they truly believe i am better off without my meds? I am screwed.....couples therapy won't work this way. I see my shrink on the 12th......he is going to be mildly pissed as well. I havent been in the hospital in 10 years.....yea; go off all my meds THAT HAVE BEEN KEEPING ME OUT OF THE HOSPITAL FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS. This is trial by Fire. Havent I been thru enough???????????????????????? Used and abused the first 19 years of my life; five different males violated me. I am in therapy for that. I have no strength to defend myself. It's slowly leaving me....its getting too hard to just be me in a world where i feel too intensly for "normal" people/ trigger my partner (who also has an anxiety disorder and is codependent). I have to find someone to talk to and its 11:30pm on a Saturday night.....but i have to try. Even tho 90 percent wants to just say F@CK IT ALL.....I know good things will happen in the future and I don't want to miss them. I just don't know if i can do this dance anymore. Dancin' while people shoot bullets at the floor at your feet.
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