Immaturity with fear cowardess and Ill do it....
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By:
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omnicell
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Mood:
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Anxious
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Date:
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Jul 16, 2012
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Music:
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None
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TO paraphrase:
Im practicing into my life. the outcome are unknown. The payoff is experience. Experience builds sure footedness in the jungle. Sure footedness builds confidence. And confidence builds eagerness to go forward and take more chances. All this experience helps take way the fear of fear. THere is nothing I can do about the past. I am barely able, able. to slowly venture forward, therefore I will.
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ITs hard to wake up from immaturity. Practice talking to her. Thats what I did to day. I made a complete fool of myself, She ignored me and walked of with a friend as if I was an imbecile. But I did it. And Im going to do it again tomorrow because Im a F@cking Tank!!! And the jobs got to be done. I cant be intimidated out. I have to keep working my way into a new way of living, and that way of living is to express myself around others. This is traumatic, let me tell you... ..
As for the girl. She is young and 100 guys stare at her all the time... Im not talking to her because she is cute. Im talking her because she has shown signs of interest in connection. Im trying to get over my past fears of being around people. In my past, being close to people meant abandonment and death. Its not easy going back around the human race. What makes it worse: Im working through more serious issues. Its, feel, deal and heal. talking to others is terrifying. There are no AVPD groups in my areas to work on things.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Although it feels like its going to kill me. The goals is to get the girl to the coffee shop. If not her, then pick another that I know has some attraction for me and work on her. In the mean time Im taking these chances to open the floodgates and get the draw bridge down, let the water out and sun in... Its a very damaged game Im playing. No one appreciates that except me and God. The girls might go, they might not, all depends on how I work them, chat them up, make them laugh and laugh and laugh. I have my work ahead of me.
This saying never works with women:
Never give what is valuable to a person that doesn't appreciate me or she will turn and trample it under her feet and laugh at me. the normal idiot would walk away from this and be safe at home in front of his fire. Im not the normal idiot. Im a village idiot and Im not going to be alone this winter. I refuse. I don't care what it takes.
I have to practice being funny and positive. I have no choice. I have the materials. It hurts to give up my martyr position.
The only way is to keep practicing until I get the right combo for that lock...
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