FREEFALLIN
Brand new to this and am praying that this helps me....it feels like im in freefall and nothing can help me...its exhausting and Im tired of feeling this way. Decided to write a blog after being told its the best way to meet new people because I dont know anybody else in my life that has anxiety as much as I do. I work a 9-5 m-f job and was told the other day that my performance is lacking and that I need to fix it or be fired. I explained I have anxiety attacks and panic attacks and my boss is very understanding....but I see where my company is coming from...I need to stop being so damn proud and stubborn and get some help. I always used to think that it would just go away. If I just waited it out long enough, if I just made better choices, if I stopped my OCD...the list goes on and on. I removed so much from my life and I still have anxiety....thought eating healthier, loosing 50lbs, getting divorced, trying new things, living on my own, getting all my dental work taken care of would remove all my anxiety...but after all of this has been removed I left with the only thing left to have anxiety and panic about, which is my health. I constantly feel like Im dying.....every cough means I have lung cancer, every bump on my tongue means cancer, every back pain means kidney failure ...the list goes on. I have tried taking antidepressents, xanax and a bunch of diff meds and NONE OF THEM HELP! I havent had the easiest life but I definitly havent had the worst...I know people who have gone thru 10x the amount of stuff I have gone thru and they arent living in there own mental prison. As a kid I was always scared of new things and of change. And I was tought that when you are scared of something you face your fear and conquer it...so I did...but how do you conquer and face anxiety?? Ya I know I can sit there and let theterror overwhelm me, but I literally sit there for hours waiting for it subside and usually it never does....I had anxiety and panic attacks everyday for 2 weeks....this is going on my 3rd week....thankfully this week I have had a few days of little anxiety and some moments of no anxiety but it keeps coming back. Like right now...I had bronchitis and was coughing so much and it took forever to get better and then I see Serena Williams rushed to the hospital for pulmonary issues and I freak out about it....Im literally sitting at work doing a mental check of all the sign and symptoms....but of course my mind cant just do a once over and say "nope Robyn you dont have any of those. You arent having shortness of breath, faintness, chest pains followeed with more severe pains when breathing deeply"......no my mind has to check again and again and again all day long....I sat there every 5 minutes breathing deeply to be sure I didnt have pain. And of course because I was coughing so much my ribs were hurting and felt bruised so I started obsessing about that. And of course in my mind this meant I was dying....I had something horribly wrong with me and I was going to never see my family and my boyfriend again. I was doing good with not obsessing for the past 2 days but today I felt my ribs and it hurt to touch it in one part and now I have spent the past 4 hours terrified...I have tried deep breathing, putting my head down, singing, browsing the web all to get my mind off of this. I have tried websites for anxiety in the past and they have been too helpful...but I notice after writing this huge novel lol that I feel better now....my anxiety is lowered and now im just crying LOL So far I have received a huge amount of support on this site and im excited to see how many people I can meet and talk too....because I really do need some support....im admitting defeat and that I dont need to be ashamed of myself for having anxiety. MY NAME IS ROBYN AND I HAVE ANXIETY! Things can only look up from here!
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