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This is few and far between
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By:
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anabsenthigh
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Mood:
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Don\'t know
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Date:
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Nov 21, 2008
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Music:
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none
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This week..... this friggen week, oh how it has tested me, and im not ashamed to admit this week could have sent me to the gutter in terms of depression, not big things mind you, those really annoying kick you while your down stupid little ones, the ones that when you get one, you get three... and they keep coming....
These are a few of the things...
home after 10 days housesitting, my birthday (mum wanted to get me a cake just so she could see the look on my god daughters face...another story), nail in tyre, tyre fixed, crashed 2 laptops (thought something i did, mad ass coincidence), had to call in a warranty, comp fixed, lost all files (heaps and heaps of songs and pictures gone, all my journal all that gone), friend sick so went in more to help with god daughter, dad being his usual sh*t self, informed what going on xmas day...
All just little things.....
So the tyre thing, easily fixed.... the computer, well mine is fixed and ill find a way to put everything back onto it, and with the journal and that, well it just doesnt matter, not sure i want to remember what i had wrote, it was more the process of writing it down and getting it out that was the help, actually i havent been doing that as much lately, or i havent been as obsessed to do it, or the annoying obsessive thoughts that i go over and over until i realise its the same sh*t different angle, like not im letting them go, im storing them for a later date i will say, cause im not forgetting, but im also realising and trusting myself that i will remember how i felt about a certain situation with things, just trigger it and im back there. Hmm actually that answers and eases my mind of the fog and blur thing i still feel about days... anyway also have dads comp now to fix ( i was doing something that he pesters me to do - download updates - when it crashed then he said i dont pester you you told me that i didnt need them, well if you listen that wasnt what i said, i said dont update your virus program cause you never on the internet, just go basic with that, the updates get.... lying sh*thead but anyway.) That leads me onto. ......
HAHA i still subject jump bad dont i....? lol
days, the process of a day, it isnt overwhelming me at the moment, im not in my head trying to race to the end of it, to the night again, im trying my guts out still to keep that level throughout the day, i get mad jet lag of an afternoon, either way that feeling that had me racing that nightmare i struggled with has eased for now..... thank whatever powers for that one.... think ill thank the meds actually. What i have been on them nearly a month, and the chatter in my head hasnt eased, but its so much more quiet now, just a soft hum on the radio now, not full blown distressing distorted crap ringing in my head. So i have to say if that is the meds work, then i thank them for that... and im glad then im on them to ease that nightmare....or to shut it up so i can deal with things instead of being distressed by them, i guess it doesnt take as long at the moment to ease my mind on things, like i have to book into the dentist (freaks me out, i dont want to be knocked out.... nor do i want to hear them rip out a tooth), but i also know i cant keep dodging it, and i know it will suck but i will get though it. And also sometimes i feel if i have a list of things to do, i worry about getting them done and the time it will take to do them, and what if i dont have time to do that.... but right now, im getting in and doing them without the spinning (which actually is what had me hypnotised before and after tasks, and took far more time that to actually get in and do it...) and realising i have heaps of time... and im not worrying that sometimes i feel like i might not.....
And i have to say although i have been bummed, around my birthday i always bum out, the thing with mum made me realise a few things, anyway i had a "session" on my birthday, i sheduled it then on purpose i wanted to ignore the day.... anyway, i admitted to her (and myself that day) - i didnt realise how bad i was, i wanted out, that thought was so strong there for a while, its still here at times, but it doesnt eat me, and i admitted how far i have come, and the things i have done, i told her i feel like ive gotten older, wiser, my personality i guess has matured, it was always there but i was too afraid of what people would think cause they were used to the old one..... and i told her, they havent changed me, they are just helping to unlock and let me let that side of me out and not be afraid to, i think....lol... see im still a nut who is about as ground as a street pigeon....lol...
Like i admitted to her ive made progress and i can see that, she actually told me to not go away and worry that i have made progress.... which in the past i have done, cause to me it feels like if i make progress then what was i on about in the first place, which puts me back there.....go figure... and even from this i can see the things i still have to go but still..... progress.... ahh
Anyway ive jumped all over the place....oh well, what ever....lol...not worried about it, or will obsessively try to fix it, and im going to go and play the game that im hooked on at the moment (fallout3 for anyone keeping score), its the first time in a long time that im engrossed in something and that i want to play and get into.....ahhh (she screams girlishly....lol)
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