She was 20 minutes too late, had a difficult case. I handed over my writings and we went over it. The list of compulsions I made, one of them is that I started checking the doors again, more often, cause now there are bees and wasps all over, even though I have a net in my windows I still close the doors when I go to sleep, I´ve been going out of bed checking if they are closed. Started checking if the fosset was running but got that under control soon. Sometimes I begin old compulsions and manage to stop them. I check the nets and am stopping that and it´s going well. She told me just to stop checking and let the anxiety rise, it would go down slowly over a few days. There are two more compulsions I have not told her from yet, just forgot. She´s not asking that I quit all my compulsions at once, just start with the easiest thing on the list. I also have health anxiety, made a list over health concerns, she read it and decided to send me to the hospital for a blood examination.

Last week´s assignments:

The usual, did that

Start taking the bus, did that;

Here is an example of how we can misinterpret situations. I took the bus the other day for the first time in maybe a year. When I entered there was this group of girls making noise and saying things like "oh disgusting" "oh my god, so creepy" and laughing so of course I imediately thought they were saying that about me and got all angry and sad, then after a while I notice there is a bee in the bus and although I´m scared of them bees I felt no worry. So it wasn´t me they were talking about, it was that bee. I was convinced they meant me lol.

Stop the hygiene ocd, almost did that and I haven´t told her about one little thing, I will next time, it´s a little hard to skip this completely, it´s been going on for so many years but it will go away oh yes it will.

Don´t check the doors, failed.

Make a list of compulsive acts, did that.

This week´s assignments:

Don´t check the doors after you get into bed

Go and have your blood examined, done that already, I was pretty nervous doing this, always thinking what if I say something weird or wrong? What should I say? Or, what if I do something stupid? But it went well, no problem.

Buy 2l of Pepsi this week and no more, that´s a huge challenge since I´ve been addicted to this sh*t for years.

The hygiene ocd, get it under control, skip the rituals and doing things too often.

A few things happened the last few days:

The bus ride, the blood test, I cleaned my apartment-haven´t done that for very many months, went for a walk for two hours with my bro, visited them, invited me to barbeque dinner, took some laundry to him, went for a walk with one of my assistant nurses by the sea and we drove around, my cousins came to visit me, one of them I hadn´t seen for five years and that was the first time we saw each other back then, we went to U2 3D a concert movie that was in 3D.

Had fries and coke, drove around with my assistant and went for a walk by the sea, there was just one problem or rather a joke, I have a phobia for wasps and bees and when I see one I involuntary run around or jump and that I did a few times but at least I don´t dive anymore, there are a lot of those here, I must appear nuts when I do this, constantly on guard and ready to run.

And then something I suffered for, was so nervous, to have my cousins come visit me, it was just because of my niece that I didn´t know, hadn´t seen her for five years so we had only seen each other once before. She decided to wait in the car while her mother came up, why is that? Her mother called her and asked her to come inside, she then came up and I could hardly think I was so anxious, they didn´t say too much so I talked a little more than them I think but nothing was good enough of what I said I felt. I was also thinking my niece would find me and my home very weird and stupid. So then we went to this U2 movie, my first 3D movie experience, it was amazing, Bono in one scene reach out of the movie and almost shook my hand :) I feel like I´ve met him, but I didn´t feel like I was in the concert arena though. Then on the way home, I was thinking how I should say goodbye and went over some lines and I wasn´t very happy about what I decided to go with, that was fun, thanks for the evening, bye :/ And then after they went I started thinking she must be thinking I´m retarded, stupid, weird, unlikeable and laughing but I´m working at thinking more and more like I don´t care if I´m weird or mess something up, that nothing horrible will happen. After these few hours I was exhausted, the tension was so terrible I was physically exhausted but I had a good feeling since I did this.

Lastly, I was told that the company I rent with is going to tear everything down and make everything new so I would be forced to move into another apartment, maybe in the fall or just before christmas. I HATE moving, it´s a huge deal for me, I´ve been in a bad mood since I heard this yesterday. I mean, I´ve taken countless months to get everything in the right places in my home, don´t like changing my setup of my things. I´m mad about this, really. While this happens to me, the other people, mentally ill who got apartments with this company move into brand new ones!

The progress is small and slow but at least I´m moving up :)