Anxiety
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Nov 18 2008, 6:00 am / Other
Well 25 mins ago, i turned 26.... whoopie doo, just another day, i realised tonight that for 10 yrs i have felt nothing for bdays... nothing at all... anyway I swear something is going on... i have written before about the universe and my star signs and all that "crap".. ok, so was house sitting home,... yesterday, or day before... ahh time... anyway, so many things, i felt good out there, i was going to bed at a good hour, and getting up at same time, and i had a routine i guess. Prospect of going home, gave me mild anxiety symptoms, anyway... about to get in car, tyre lowish... hadnt used for a week, anyway chucked in aa bit of air (fortunately knew where air was out there), hadnt gone flat, just a slow leak, was running late to meet them in town, quick call to dad, "can i run home on it", should be ok was reply, i think usually this would have had me in, ahh any type weird bump on way home, would have me worry, not too bad.... anyway met them all well and good, answer a text, friend says jen can you come and look after the kid... i need to go to hospital.. i f@cking swear... if someone is listening she cries, if not, then ahh im good, but if i need help ill make it worse than it is, anyway i went for my god daughter, i know how her mother gets, and the kid needs well someone.... she is only 2. Oh did i mention my computer had crashed... WTF? See i swear.... something is testing me, is something testing if the Anti depressants... are working.... either or i was thinking this could so bum me out and think, hey where is the bottle, cant wait to find it. But... i dont know... i was laughing at some point... cause only i know where i am... And today, had to change tyre and get comp fixed, even though what is on my comp i want, im not terribly worried, or down right down that it could be gone... hmmmm?? Anyway changing the tyre... im a girl... but long ago, i learnt how to change a tyre so boys... back off... i had to call dad, to check where to put the jack, have had this car 3 years and this was the first tyre and it wasnt obvious, anyway, angry at him for something else... ill add in () in a min i think just cause i can... and anyway i realised afterwards, i wasnt angry at the fact that things seem to be happening to me lately, actually, i was sort of welcoming them, it was more the people... they were pissing me off, cause i cannot control how they think, and im sorry but i know how they should, and how they can be to make their life easier...and mine in the process without having to hear about it.... So the () are as follows, ( this ye ear for XMAS have relos coming for the day - we are 3 hrs away - anyway, dads mother {grandma} thinks he should invite his other brother just to be nice, to cover basis incases... [this is where my anxiety stems from i swear], i think they shouldnt, it wasnt our idea to invite up, so why should we put out the invite.... really? we can pick and choose.... anyway one day dad will grow a pair bigger than his daughters... but my aunty [dads, brothers wife] she has her own issues, the brothers, pick on her, and if my other uncle comes up, i have said to mum [really why bother she did not hear me, i could scream i want to die... and she would not hear] i will leave, i will not be here, and if they begin to bag on my aunty this year, i will day something, dad ive had enough of lately, its my bday today and he has made enough f@cking cracks that hey what is tomorrow, type thing, well, ive had enough of him, he isnt the only one going through things, and i will no longer take it, and i will no longer let it be said, to my aunty, i will defend xmas day , i know how much sh*ts and f@cking giggles hurt.... and i have had enough....) Oh and another thing, im depressed, i always am around my bday, have been for 10 yrs.... dont know why.. anyway..i feel down, but not a deep down disabling mind numbing low. It isnt eating me alive, it isnt spinning within me. So i guess that is one thing at least.... Happy Bday me
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