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Nov 15 2008, 7:03 am / Tired
Go figure, im so used to anxiety and being depressed and all that, that i actually am anxious about possible feeling better, and my mind not spinning as much. How funny? No actually its not, at times it actually freaks me out, again, go figure.
So lately ive been trying my guts out to not be in fast forward, you know that i want to be somewhere that isnt here, that isnt now. Not that it helps mind you, but anything can seem better cant it? Like i dont feel like im planning out my day in my head when i wake, like how will i get through it, or things i have to do, im not going over and over and over them, like how long will they take, will i get them done, if i wait another hour i can do it then, im not really in the mood now, it'll be a fight, ill just wanna be somewhere else. Type thing. Im not sure, i dont feel as tranced by my mind lately, but the thing that freaks the absolute crap outta me, is i dont feel like i can remember what ive done type thing. Like i look for it in my mind and i cant find it. Not actually sure why that bugs me or scares me but it does.
And i feel like lately im not in a rush, like in my mind to get somewhere else, guess im finally seeing well, where else is there to be. And considering ive been 10 days on my own, that isnt too bad. Thats actually really quite good, for a few days now i havent really had that over whelming urge that life is too much, its too long, (the one i call suicide without intent, beating something to the punch).
How funny though im so used to the things or the subjects floating round in my head, that im sorta at a loss without them, dont get me wrong if i listen they are still there... they just arent as loud as they once were. And they arent loud enough now that they distress me, sometimes they do get their volume turned up, but not as much.
And i feel now, that my moods have stablilised, like they arent as extreme from one to the next. Im not high as a kite one minute and down the drain the next, i havent been that far down rabbit holes lately.
But still... this isnt that i wont give myself a break... this is just new, and im not sure if its a good new, the fuzzy, haze i dont like, and sometimes i can spin about that, but this week i have gotten in everyday and done things jobs out here that usually i put off as long as i can, and things that i really just dont want to do, or that feel like they will take an eternity to complete, and ive done them. I finished weeding the guest house today, have spent a few hours a day down there, and its done (not sure at times if i was weeding or just pulling out random crap but ho hum....lol), its done, im going to bed at a reasonable hour, and am getting some sleep, sure still tired as in the morning after 8-9 hrs, but am getting up and going again (albeit after a few dozen alarm resets).
This is just new to me, and im not sure how long it will last, or even if i like it yet, but for now, i think i may have a tiny bit of peace in my mind. Dont break out the horns and trumpets yet, this is this week, im house sitting, next week im home again.
Ahh well i guess this is just an update, or a progress report, for my own mind anyway...
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