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Nov 12 2008, 9:31 pm / Tired
I havent really been on here much lately, well i have, just not my usual hours. No thats not true i have been online just not on here too much. Truth is, i havent felt like ive had to for some reason, like this will be weird but like its ok that im not online everynight, its ok if i go to bed early once in a while. Actually has been more so lately cause im so fricken wiped out. And apart from a blow out the other night i havent been drinking as much, and certainly not my usual hours, not sure how i will go when i get home....
Have been house sitting, and have had loads to keep me occupied, actually ive been anxious that i wont get it done, and im finding that if i get in and do it, (i actually am not having the usual mind spin, fight to do things).
Maybe i was right in something i said before, anxiety is an addiction, like my alcohol is aswell, at times now, i dont seem to be in the anxiety about not drinking, like right now, this time of night is when i start to spin about should i shouldnt i, then should i have one more and shouldnt i. I know right now i will not have another drink. I dont even really want one. (I had 2 beers before, quite liking having one when im done for the day, while sitting out side with the puppies... thats what i mean it will be weird when i go home).
And i keep getting anxiety about the fact that i feel like the last few weeks are a blur, like if you ask me where i have been and what i had done, i will struggle to tell you the details. I remember them, but when i try to search my mind for them, i have trouble (not sure if you would put this down to meds, or anxiety, or depression, or the not here feeling). And i still having the anxiety of a morning how to get through the day which translates in the afternoon to, can i live like this, feeling it all, feeling so aware of my thinking.
And i think maybe this above is that im still trying to chase the anxiety, im trying to find it, and the thing is this time its not there (it is .....), but like the ruminating on things, i dont seem to be doing it, maybe thats the blur, the fact im not, but then i go looking and try to ruminate to remind myself what i have done cause of how i feel lately im worried ill forget.
I have no idea. I have no idea if things are getting better, and im just not used to this, or if nothing has gotten anywhere and this is just anxiety and depression keeping the cloud down.
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