Anxiety

So last night i said i was going to come back online, but never did.... i decided to sit and try to watch a movie...

I watched it, sat through it all, actually laughed out loud at funny bits (although i now couldnt tell you what they were, my mind was wandering you see, i hate that, and its why i avoid many of the things i used to do, i cant seem to invest myself in them). Anyway some of the thoughts running around were how do they live type thing (the characters and the actors), how do they not let themselves me consumed by this. And the constant consuming thought that entered my mind that takes me over, and scares me senseless, the one that no matter how i try to be rid of it i cant, the one that makes me sometimes every now and then do something to beat something to the punch..... (that reminds me must go be rid of that, just incases...) Its also one of the thoughts that tends to make me think what is the point, i hate that thought, i want it out....

GET OUT!

Give me any other thought but that one, i can over come any of the others, i can deal with them, i can live with them, but this one....

This is the thought that was a factor in my decision to take the meds, cause that thought i cannot fight alone, that thought sometimes.... takes alot to remove and i sit like a deer caught in the head lights until it goes.... but it always comes back...

The irony is im still both sides of that coin.... I so desperately dont ever want to, but another part doesnt want to i guess worry or live in the mean time.

I realise this is cryptic, do not be bothered by it

My Comments From: fairygal Nov 12 2008, 12:40 am Racing thoughts are hard to deal with. Ugh. From: debs Nov 09 2008, 10:54 am hey ab i was touched by your words they made sense to me............. i watch people and think so hard that i feel they must hear me   HOW CAN YOU OPERATE AND LOOK SO NORMAL WHEN I AM FEELING ALL THIS INSIDE ME..... i understand honey..... u take care.  debs XXX From: Woodstock Nov 09 2008, 1:21 am While I recognize that there are some big things going on for you in your entry, I wanted to comment on the aspect relating to commiting a block of time.  I have probs watching movies too...dedicating a block of time for that...I can occasionally spend more time deciding on what to watch, while doing other activities, instead of watching the actual movie.  I do believe a part of this (not the whole thing of course) is that movies have become rather mundane.  I have a hard time finding movies that make me want to be involved in them.  Again, not the whole issue, but a big part of it.  For me the movie has to be completely rediculous or extremely well done.  Guess I don't have a middle ground there. I actually tend to get rather morbid when I am stuck watching a movie I just can't get into.  Or when I dedicated a chunk of time to other things that I just can't get into. Anyway, I don't feel so alone in this anymore.  Thank you for sharing this.