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Nov 03 2008, 5:00 am / Other
Retraining our brains. Im not sure that is the case for some, I believe now, I didn’t before. I believe that anxiety isn’t a disorder, I believe that anxiety isn’t an illness. I know now, that anxiety is me. Me and me alone, I cannot keep saying, ahh this is anxiety, that is the anxiety why I am not doing that, or why I do this. Bullsh*t, the reason I am not doing it is ME. Me and me alone, doesn’t matter how it came to be, only that it is, and it is ME… well actually it does matter how it came to be, in the sense that what am I and my “anxiety” really trying to say.
Ok so a lot of my anxiety comes from can I do it, and how will I do it, or what will people think, so ultimately what I am trying to say, is im scared…. Im scared of failure, im scared of people picking on me, im scared of my weaknesses being on my sleeve, im scared of life, im scared of saying I cant do something.
One thing down. Ive admitted it. Im fighting it, my frustration at life, isn’t at life, its at myself for not being able to enjoy, or participate in life how I want to (how do I want to but….). And I think maybe the frustration I feel, is im scared and far too scared to admit it.. (irony much…), so I start talking myself round in circles, with things that don’t matter.
Ok example, I house sit, now these people tell me, any problems call us. Now if I have to call them, I go over and over and over calling them, like do I really need to call them, will I be interrupting them, will that in turn make them not like me, will they get angry at me, but not say they angry at me yet they will be, (please don’t inform me of how daft this is, I know it trust me.,….), but if I look a tad deeper, its that I don’t want to seem dumb, inept, untrusted, unworthy, incapable. So to fight all those stupid bloody under thoughts, should now (or one day in the future), have me calling, for the pure fact to ask a question, with the knowledge that they said to if I have to, no god damn shame in that, no weakness shown. Far easier said than done, but a theory that has just popped up. And again something I cannot work on, on my own, I don’t have the training.
I think if I just find out how I truly feel about things, ok was talking to lisa last night Lisaf… anyway, I know how she thinks, she told me she knew how I think, now I tried to walk around that, and in a way I had to fight the urge to say no you don’t. But why, why is it so bad that a friend knows how I think… cause for her to know that, and for me to know she knows that, is one hell of a vulnerability isn’t it??? Either way I had to fight that letting someone else in. But … letting someone in who wanted to be there, and also who meant what they were saying, not just bullsh*tting on.
Who knows either way I guess from what I wrote yesterday, the anger is covering up something, well this is just what I thought from it. Now I might be tempted to say the meds are making me feel like this, well I doubt it just yet. I think the fact I said yes to the meds, was an admittance to myself, was an opening up, was showing my weakness, (to those I choose to show of course), was showing where I am vulnerable.
What is it in addiction, the first step is admitting you have a problem, ok I have a problem, I have an addiction, that addiction is anxiety, that problem is that I am scared of things, and I am scared for various reasons, and I would like to work on them.
I don’t know if I had a point, im sure I did, im also sure only my warped mind can see or connect it… oh well…
Either way I think not retraining your brain. Cant teach an old dog new tricks as they say, just get in the ring and fight with the f@cker, and show it what you really want. So to not retrain but to not even embrace, but get to the point of seeing what that anxiety is covering... what that depression is really saying... what it is saying about me, and what i am saying about myself. I have just realised some will say retrain, but i think once the admittance and acceptance comes of how you realise you truly feel, sorry i truly feel, i might finally get somewhere.... im scared.. and i admit it.
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