Sep 05 2008, 10:14 pm / Other
i selected other mood above because i am feeling every single one of those at once.... not kidding in some part of my mind.... it is feeling them all.... if u cut up my brain (please wait til im no longer using it) it would be all of those moods... connected like lego... none bigger than the other... but all there at once. How annoying.... hyper sensitive and im feeling it all at once. Happy/sad... cold/hot.....ying/yang.....
The thoughts I have jumped on and followed in the space of about an hour…..
Always have been this way. The difference between now and then is not I notice it. I notice what I am doing and I know its wrong but don’t know how to not?
How to just be?
And this will sound bizarre but I notice the 60000 + thoughts a day, and im anxious about that.
Im actually scared of my mind right now…. No wonder I choose to numb it out…..
Im not comfortable with it and when im without it I go looking for it again. The anxiety I think I meant with this, and the incessant intrusive thoughts. Hence I had to write them down and get them out…..
Im anxious about being anxious. Im anxious about not being anxious. Pretty safe to say im just anxious in general…. No sh*t…..
Im never gunna not try to work myself out now… maybe I should look to do something where I work out someone else?
I need something to shift my focus from me. And the confidence to do It I might add…. And I may have to get used to the fact im never gunna not try to figure sh*t out.
Need to stop relating everything to myself. I don’t have to relate to anything or anyone. Just trying to figure myself out. Think I want someone to try to relate to me…. Oh with this though however can they….
Not being egotistical, but will I get to the point of seeing how it works and be sitting round waiting for people to catch up. I mean that if I head into some kind of psychology or something. I’ll be at the destination watching people on their journey… Is that indeed my journey… to observe, and provide feedback? But if I get to my destination will I be satisfied?
Will I never be satisfied enough to ever just be?
There is a part of me, no it is all of me that wants to go to the destination to see if I should undertake the journey.
My mind is always in a million different places…. Never here, hell on the drive out here, I observed myself at one point, I was doing all of the following at the same time… watching the road, driving the vehicle, singing far too loudly with the music, thinking about the guests here, wondering about the neighbours who bought the next door property, worried about being anxious or not being anxious, looking at the cattle….. CAUTION : do not be in my head… and drive heavy machinery….LOL
Maybe I need to prioritise my mind? But im worried I’ll forget… what im worrying about!
Because im worrying im certain there is an answer in it. And instead of letting it go til tomorrow, I do it all now so I don’t forget? I think I want it all now, and actually don’t know what I want…go figure….
WTF?????
Im like a little kid who keeps asking why!!!! And never being satisfied in the answer to make my curiosity rest. Instead of just saying it is, ive got to know why….WHY???? no wonder my psychologist is getting nowhere, she keeps asking me why and I keep asking it right back
Really the why shouldn’t matter, but it has become that way for me. And im deadly aware of it….
I cant let it go that I want to know I gotta work it out instead of letting it just be, convinced I can fix it or relax when I work it out.
I cant ever satisfy that hunger for it….
I think my subconscious has convinced my consciousness that If I can find something somewhere in it, then I’ll be able to relax… its like OCD but on a much higher level…. I keep checking it to make sure its there…..
I think im asking questions I will never know the answer to and im driving myself insane……
AHH DER…. GEE YA THINK….????
BUT WHY????
Now in a fit of giggles at the insanity of this…. Laughing through my tears, cause without doubt this is how it is for me right now….
I THINK THIS IS MY BEST INSANITY YET….. HELLO PADDED CELL…..
And the worse part is I feel I just worked something out and its still not enough….
Its like a splinter in my mind driving me mad….I shouldn’t watch the matrix….
It also may seem from my ‘almost incessant blogging’ that I never sleep… well I almost don’t I can never feel like I am at rest. I never feel like im not moving even if im sitting still.
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