Anxiety

Helplessness….. I cannot do anything and I feel helpless, but if I could do something for them and they got better I would be better cause then they would be ok, so I didn’t have to try to make them better. You fight for those you love, yes I said love…. And they don’t know you want them to be better so that you can breathe… just a little easier. They are your lifeline… they crumble, you crumble and yet they don’t know you are connected… I cant make her see…. Because to tell her it is ok… to see someone is to admit I am…. And to admit I am admits something is wrong, which I am not sure they can handle, I don’t know how they would go with that when a doc suggests to her to see someone she gets her bristles right up and says no cause that means I am crazy… how would she see me?? And this is why I don’t tell… anything, cause with me I keep secrets, what I don’t think they can handle, the phenomenal amount of alcohol, the fact I have ‘hurt’ myself for at least 8 years, the fact I have been in counselling for 9 months… so must be my secretive self, and will just attempt to not push but say it is ok to talk to someone… I think in all honestly, my parents my family, us… we don’t deal… we push aside until it goes away… it doesn’t go away… how did I get to this first.. Am I just a generation that is more open to it, or am I? I have learnt from them, and the more I look now, and want to say I learnt off you don’t get the sh*ts at me for something I learnt from you … I cant… I know I cant…. I don’t know how much more they can take… mum is in her own little world…dad is, my rock yet he doesn’t know it but I fear he is gone….. We may have joked before but now I take it more seriously … mum thinks we are the cause…. When we fight… but that isn’t the case….. We need a release…. We need help from it… im scared for my dad…. He isn’t of the generation of hey I need help, he is in the generation of I help, and I take things out on people… I saw today that he isn’t far off being gone.. He has been this way for years but he is as helpless as me… I know that but I can speak up, not sure why, I feel I can somehow get through…. So I cannot tell them where I am, I need to freak with things on my own, I wont ever put on them where I am, where I have been, or where I can go, they cant handle that…. I need surgery most likely I cannot even tell them that… I don’t need them to worry about me…. I need to deal with it on my own even though it terrifies me…. Mum thinks I am against her… thinking her doc is correct saying she needs to see someone…. I realised tonight the thing that happened a few months before her neck and shoulder and before she was hospitalised… he father died…. Im gunna try to get her to see it is ok to see someone but I wont share that I am … I cant deal with that… wonder where I get that from……. I have to be the strong one, even though I don’t have much left… I wont put that on anyone…. Its why I havent said it yet, cause they will take it personal… they will take me and my ‘problems’ as personal to them, I know this… I am that perceptive…. They are that avoidant…so am I… should be an interesting game…. How do I not care about it??? How do I not be affected by it… I don’t so I have to do something…. I care more than they realise….maybe I should be a counsellor….