Anxiety

right so, continued the 'argument' with my friend last night. the one who jumped on me for saying yeah and it wasnt inviting enough.

Either or, got into it, and I know this will be from my head, but it is something i cannot get her to understand or accept, i feel like im being attacked, i feel like when i say how i feel, i am very quickly told well you shouldnt feel that way, you didnt have to, stop pinning it on me and not youself type thing.

I am not trying to pin anything. Because I know i cant, somethings i can, and havent but this is the way i feel, i dont know how or why, but it is how i feel and who i am. And im trying to say how i feel and i get smacked down the foredhead.

And i was 'attacked' because she says she is trying to help but i wont accept the help. HEAR ME!!! Im trying to say, i do not know how, this is all i know. How about stop thinking im a mind reader. Then she accuses me of getting in little digs about things, no i wasnt i didnt get in the one i so desperately want to throw because i know its a truth that she wont hear. I wasnt getting in digs, i am attempting to say how i feel, i know how i think and feel is wrong why do you think i wrestle with it, and bottle it up, because i know it is wrong yet it doesnt stop me feeling it. She got in some digs and well not going to continue....

So I dont accept help, or when people tell me to open up, because ahh this fight is one example of how no one understands, saying i didnt make you feel this way instead of accepting that its me and that i did is not a dig or an attempt to pin sh*t. TAKE ME AS I AM....

And i went over and over this, and tossed around the what is wrong with me and all that, If i dont like something about someone i find it very hard to go back. And also im wondering why i feel the need to 'fix' this with a person, who will never step outside of her own little self indulgent self to see how someone else might feel, however way they feel something. Her way is not always right, Hell i know mine isnt. But why should i try to fix this, why do i feel like i have to? Because im scared of losing what sh*tty friendship i have there anyway, that she will not just accept and take it when i say i dont know why but i felt i had to come around all the time when u messaged for help with the baby, i didnt think i could say no, even if i wanted to... cause that would mean people wouldnt like me?? Cause if i didnt i would lose a friend. JUST HEAR THAT AND STOP COMBATING IT WITH WELL YOU DIDNT HAVE TO. IF I DIDNT HAVE TO I WOULDNT BE HERE RIGHT NOW THAT IS WHAT I AM GETTING AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And i think what is bugging me more and the fact that im not inclined to roll over and say sorry it is all my fault..... (i have said sorry by the way yet she wont for the thing after 'yeah', cause she thinks she was just speaking her mind and it was then my reaction. MOVING ON JEN....), is because a) i dont know another way to think about this, b) there are a few times when she has guilted me into going in, by playing the im a single mother and no one comes and helps when i want them to - (when i had said i will be there but in 30 mins instead of 10......) And i also said she has never thanked me for what i have done for her (she says she thanks all the time, funny i didnt hear it, and also she made me god mother - she also made someone else who is never around, so). And said do i think i should get a medal for helping?

You know what yeah i think i do a little bit..... and perhaps this is where im having the problem, i know what my head goes through.... and i still helped anyway.... i went every damn day to help... i calmed her down every damn night when the kid wouldnt sleep.... yeah im sorry but if she cant hear that from me then i dont know where to go with it....

sorry this is a rant but it is an anxiety related i need to sort through sh*t and get it outta my head related anxiety rant.... I'll make myself be light hearted and blog something left of centre this afternoon..... LOL....