Anxiety

DATE: Nov 18 2008, 6:00 am / MOOD: Other

Well 25 mins ago, i turned 26.... whoopie doo, just another day, i realised tonight that for 10 yrs i have felt nothing for bdays... nothing at all... anyway

I swear something is going on... i have written before about the universe and my star signs and all that "crap".. ok, so was house sitting home,... yesterday, or day before... ahh time... anyway, so many things, i felt good out there, i was going to bed at a good hour, and getting up at same time, and i had a routine i guess. Prospect of going home, gave me mild anxiety symptoms, anyway...

about to get in car, tyre lowish... hadnt used for a week, anyway chucked in aa bit of air (fortunately knew where air was out there), hadnt gone flat, just a slow leak, was running late to meet them in town, quick call to dad, "can i run home on it", should be ok was reply, i think usually this would have had me in, ahh any type weird bump on way home, would have me worry, not too bad.... anyway met them all well and good, answer a text, friend says jen can you come and look after the kid... i need to go to hospital.. i f@cking swear... if someone is listening she cries, if not, then ahh im good, but if i need help ill make it worse than it is, anyway i went for my god daughter, i know how her mother gets, and the kid needs well someone.... she is only 2.

Oh did i mention my computer had crashed... WTF? See i swear.... something is testing me, is something testing if the Anti depressants... are working.... either or i was thinking this could so bum me out and think, hey where is the bottle, cant wait to find it. But... i dont know... i was laughing at some point... cause only i know where i am...

And today, had to change tyre and get comp fixed, even though what is on my comp i want, im not terribly worried, or down right down that it could be gone... hmmmm?? Anyway changing the tyre... im a girl... but long ago, i learnt how to change a tyre so boys... back off...  i had to call dad, to check where to put the jack, have had this car 3 years and this was the first tyre and it wasnt obvious, anyway, angry at him for something else... ill add in () in a min i think just cause i can... and anyway i realised afterwards, i wasnt angry at the fact that things seem to be happening to me lately, actually, i was sort of welcoming them, it was more the people... they were pissing me off, cause i cannot control how they think, and im sorry but i know how they should, and how they can be to make their life easier...and mine in the process without having to hear about it....

So the () are as follows, ( this ye ear for XMAS have relos coming for the day - we are 3 hrs away - anyway, dads  mother {grandma} thinks he should invite his other brother just to be nice, to cover basis incases... [this is where my anxiety stems from i swear], i think they shouldnt, it wasnt our idea to invite up, so why should we put out the invite.... really? we can pick and choose.... anyway one day dad will grow a pair bigger than his daughters... but my aunty [dads, brothers wife] she has her own issues, the brothers, pick on her, and if my other uncle comes up, i have said to mum [really why bother she did not hear me, i could scream i want to die... and she would not hear] i will leave, i will not be here, and if they begin to bag on my aunty this year, i will day something, dad ive had enough of lately, its my bday today and he has made enough f@cking cracks that hey what is tomorrow, type thing, well, ive had enough of him, he isnt the only one going through things, and i will no longer take it, and i will no longer let it be said, to my aunty, i will defend xmas day , i know how much sh*ts and f@cking giggles hurt.... and i have had enough....)

Oh and another thing, im depressed, i always am around my bday, have been for 10 yrs.... dont know why.. anyway..i feel down, but not a deep down disabling mind numbing low. It isnt eating me alive, it isnt spinning within me. So i guess that is one thing at least....

Happy Bday me

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DATE: Nov 15 2008, 7:03 am / MOOD: Tired

Go figure, im so used to anxiety and being depressed and all that, that i actually am anxious about possible feeling better, and my mind not spinning as much. How funny? No actually its not, at times it actually freaks me out, again, go figure.

So lately ive been trying my guts out to not be in fast forward, you know that i want to be somewhere that isnt here, that isnt now. Not that it helps mind you, but anything can seem better cant it? Like i dont feel like im planning out my day in my head when i wake, like how will i get through it, or things i have to do, im not going over and over and over them, like how long will they take, will i get them done, if i wait another hour i can do it then, im not really in the mood now, it'll be a fight, ill just wanna be somewhere else. Type thing. Im not sure, i dont feel as tranced by my mind lately, but the thing that freaks the absolute crap outta me, is i dont feel like i can remember what ive done type thing. Like i look for it in my mind and i cant find it. Not actually sure why that bugs me or scares me but it does.

And i feel like lately im not in a rush, like in my mind to get somewhere else, guess im finally seeing well, where else is there to be. And considering ive been 10 days on my own, that isnt too bad. Thats actually really quite good, for a few days now i havent really had that over whelming urge that life is too much, its too long, (the one i call suicide without intent, beating something to the punch).

How funny though im so used to the things or the subjects floating round in my head, that im sorta at a loss without them, dont get me wrong if i listen they are still there... they just arent as loud as they once were. And they arent loud enough now that they distress me, sometimes they do get their volume turned up, but not as much.

And i feel now, that my moods have stablilised, like they arent as extreme from one to the next. Im not high as a kite one minute and down the drain the next, i havent been that far down rabbit holes lately.

But still... this isnt that i wont give myself a break... this is just new, and im not sure if its a good new, the fuzzy, haze i dont like, and sometimes i can spin about that, but this week i have gotten in everyday and done things jobs out here that usually i put off as long as i can, and things that i really just dont want to do, or that feel like they will take an eternity to complete, and ive done them. I finished weeding the guest house today, have spent a few hours a day down there, and its done (not sure at times if i was weeding or just pulling out random crap but ho hum....lol), its done, im going to bed at a reasonable hour, and am getting some sleep, sure still tired as in the morning after 8-9 hrs, but am getting up and going again (albeit after a few dozen alarm resets).

This is just new to me, and im not sure how long it will last, or even if i like it yet, but for now, i think i may have a tiny bit of peace in my mind. Dont break out the horns and trumpets yet, this is this week, im house sitting, next week im home again.

Ahh well i guess this is just an update, or a progress report, for my own mind anyway...

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DATE: Nov 12 2008, 9:31 pm / MOOD: Tired

I havent really been on here much lately, well i have, just not my usual hours. No thats not true i have been online just not on here too much. Truth is, i havent felt like ive had to for some reason, like this will be weird but like its ok that im not online everynight, its ok if i go to bed early once in a while. Actually has been more so lately cause im so fricken wiped out. And apart from a blow out the other night i havent been drinking as much, and certainly not my usual hours, not sure how i will go when i get home....

Have been house sitting, and have had loads to keep me occupied, actually ive been anxious that i wont get it done, and im finding that if i get in and do it, (i actually am not having the usual mind spin, fight to do things).

Maybe i was right in something i said before, anxiety is an addiction, like my alcohol is aswell, at times now, i dont seem to be in the anxiety about not drinking, like right now, this time of night is when i start to spin about should i shouldnt i, then should i have one more and shouldnt i. I know right now i will not have another drink. I dont even really want one. (I had 2 beers before, quite liking having one when im done for the day, while sitting out side with the puppies... thats what i mean it will be weird when i go home).

And i keep getting anxiety about the fact that i feel like the last few weeks are a blur, like if you ask me where i have been and what i had done, i will struggle to tell you the details. I remember them, but when i try to search my mind for them, i have trouble (not sure if you would put this down to meds, or anxiety, or depression, or the not here feeling). And i still having the anxiety of a morning how to get through the day which translates in the afternoon to, can i live like this, feeling it all, feeling so aware of my thinking.

And i think maybe this above is that im still trying to chase the anxiety, im trying to find it, and the thing is this time its not there (it is .....), but like the ruminating on things, i dont seem to be doing it, maybe thats the blur, the fact im not, but then i go looking and try to ruminate to remind myself what i have done cause of how i feel lately im worried ill forget.

I have no idea. I have no idea if things are getting better, and im just not used to this, or if nothing has gotten anywhere and this is just anxiety and depression keeping the cloud down.

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DATE: Nov 10 2008, 1:01 pm / MOOD: Other

Body language, I watch where peoples eyes go, if they look down I wonder what they are looking at, then I think if its something I notice is there, then im thinking are they wondering aswell. Or if I look them in the eyes do they think that is strange then I think that is strange, then I have to look away, then I look away or focus on something else I wonder if they think im not listening, cause im not looking at them, or if I look at them then I look down, are they thinking I was looking at something and then I cant stop thinking about it. But I also think because I think something that everyone can see what I am thinking by how my body is, or how my eyes are, are they soft or are they intense type thing. I guess I think its like a bullseye I think it there fore I know its there and I wonder if everyone else can see its there then are they thinking about it, what are they thinking about. See body language I picked up with the psychologist yesterday she took a deep breath, I picked up on that, and I was thinking hmm, did she wonder if I heard it what do I think about it, then I was thinking hmm isn’t that a sign a deep breath means calming down…. I sound paranoid don’t I? actually at the moment I am running slightly manic/hyper…. This has been written at the speed of light… actually perhaps I should have been cluey it was coming I started feeling shaky before, cause I was trying not to worry about something but by trying to not, I actually thought about it, which triggered the good old body responses, hence the shakes now, (that and I drank a bit last night.. A bit too much… so as it is fully leaving my system… nothing at all left to calm the nervous system down, like ahh nice and relaxed 12 hrs… slowly winding up again… but its cause it’s a fake relaxed, that’s why it springs back on me - I can tell myself anything - that’s why it comes back 3 fold type thing, rather than the slow and steady everyday anxiety symptoms, like a returning freight train, plus it most likely numbed me out enough that I forgot my neck.. Or its tense and tight and pressure on the nerves….hmmm…it has done a rather nice job of coming on gradually not the moment I woke, so that is a bonus I guess.)…. So I was still trying to not be bothered by it, and thought I was doing a good job…hmm not so much….oh and my neck is being its usually charming self, so feel light headed and feral every now and then…. Or its anxiety, or its both…



I think too much…. I give me a headache….

 

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DATE: Nov 09 2008, 7:56 pm / MOOD: Tired

Of me, u must see this username and think oh here she goes again... well i dont care.. maybe i do.... im tired... of people... of life... really at times... at times.. i really am... nah f@ck it im just tired... in general. I have general tired disorder... i want to sleep... but what do i want to sleep away, life right now, or me? interesting...

 

This afternoon, i was trying my guts out to be here, not to be in the moment but to be in me, i guess that is the moment.... either f@cking or...

 

I was there for a bit, or a tiny amount of time... i was there.. and now.. now.... i hate this... i hate this...get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head... get outta my head...

 

AND REPLACE IT WITH WHAT? WHAT ELSE COULD POSSIBLY BE IN THERE... SERIOUSLY WHAT....????

dont get me wrong....im not all that bad right now... just annoyed.... at what, well what is the point? nothing really matters does it... in the end.......

HANDS UP WHO GETS ME LATELY.....

AHH SO NOT ME.... WHO IS ME...? WHO AM I? WHERE AM I?

OH THE CHAIR ....YEP MY BUTT FEELS IT...HMM INTERESTING...

OH DID I MENTION... IGNORE THIS

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DATE: Nov 08 2008, 3:59 pm / MOOD: Don\'t know

So last night i said i was going to come back online, but never did.... i decided to sit and try to watch a movie...

I watched it, sat through it all, actually laughed out loud at funny bits (although i now couldnt tell you what they were, my mind was wandering you see, i hate that, and its why i avoid many of the things i used to do, i cant seem to invest myself in them). Anyway some of the thoughts running around were how do they live type thing (the characters and the actors), how do they not let themselves me consumed by this. And the constant consuming thought that entered my mind that takes me over, and scares me senseless, the one that no matter how i try to be rid of it i cant, the one that makes me sometimes every now and then do something to beat something to the punch..... (that reminds me must go be rid of that, just incases...) Its also one of the thoughts that tends to make me think what is the point, i hate that thought, i want it out....

GET OUT!

Give me any other thought but that one, i can over come any of the others, i can deal with them, i can live with them, but this one....

This is the thought that was a factor in my decision to take the meds, cause that thought i cannot fight alone, that thought sometimes.... takes alot to remove and i sit like a deer caught in the head lights until it goes.... but it always comes back...

The irony is im still both sides of that coin.... I so desperately dont ever want to, but another part doesnt want to i guess worry or live in the mean time.

I realise this is cryptic, do not be bothered by it

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DATE: Nov 07 2008, 3:16 am / MOOD: Other

Ok i was gunna blog something, but i either dont have the energy or whatever i was going to write about half way thru didnt seem important, or i didnt know what i wanted to say.

So have been on full pills since yesterday.

Am now house sitting for 10 days. (slightly anxious about the time...)

Experiencing like a jet lag effect of an afternoon, evening type thing.

Mornings, i seem to be able to get up now, think it just well i gotta get up to take me "happy" pills.

Of a night but still thinking bout getting up what time, and how im gunna fill the day type thing. 

I dont know, still am in the not here phase of the program.

Dunno, dunno what i am trying to say.

 

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DATE: Nov 04 2008, 5:30 am / MOOD: Other

Ok so lately my stars seem to be following me, so if these ones today are right, i have made the right decisions... and i should be feeling better, very soon....lol

Mars is forming a sharp alignment to Neptune hence the sensitivity you feel. Hence, too, the amount of vulnerablity and anxiety you keep encountering. You feel pretty sure you have made the right choice in a difficult area of life. Yet, though the logic in your decision remains persuasive, you don't feel as relaxed as you wish you did. There's a niggling, gnawing doubt. This may hang about for another day or two but, as long as you don't indulge it, it will ebb away naturally soon enough. Become inspired and solve problems.

Ok so yep, sums me up nicely at the moment i think, i sh*t you not that was what it was today, and i swear it had better be right or im gunna hunt that dude down and smack him, cause if this daydreaming feeling doesnt end soon, (it scares the crap outta me), i will begin to think why did i take the pills.

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." HAHAHAHAHA.... im taking the red pill.... lol, ahh i crack me up....

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DATE: Nov 03 2008, 5:00 am / MOOD: Other

Retraining our brains. Im not sure that is the case for some, I believe now, I didn’t before. I believe that anxiety isn’t a disorder, I believe that anxiety isn’t an illness. I know now, that anxiety is me. Me and me alone, I cannot keep saying, ahh this is anxiety, that is the anxiety why I am not doing that, or why I do this. Bullsh*t, the reason I am not doing it is ME. Me and me alone, doesn’t matter how it came to be, only that it is, and it is ME… well actually it does matter how it came to be, in the sense that what am I and my “anxiety” really trying to say.



Ok so a lot of my anxiety comes from can I do it, and how will I do it, or what will people think, so ultimately what I am trying to say, is im scared…. Im scared of failure, im scared of people picking on me, im scared of my weaknesses being on my sleeve, im scared of life, im scared of saying I cant do something.



One thing down. Ive admitted it. Im fighting it, my frustration at life, isn’t at life, its at myself for not being able to enjoy, or participate in life how I want to (how do I want to but….). And I think maybe the frustration I feel, is im scared and far too scared to admit it.. (irony much…), so I start talking myself round in circles, with things that don’t matter.



Ok example, I house sit, now these people tell me, any problems call us. Now if I have to call them, I go over and over and over calling them, like do I really need to call them, will I be interrupting them, will that in turn make them not like me, will they get angry at me, but not say they angry at me yet they will be, (please don’t inform me of how daft this is, I know it trust me.,….), but if I look a tad deeper, its that I don’t want to seem dumb, inept, untrusted, unworthy, incapable. So to fight all those stupid bloody under thoughts, should now (or one day in the future), have me calling, for the pure fact to ask a question, with the knowledge that they said to if I have to, no god damn shame in that, no weakness shown. Far easier said than done, but a theory that has just popped up. And again something I cannot work on, on my own, I don’t have the training.



I think if I just find out how I truly feel about things, ok was talking to lisa last night Lisaf… anyway, I know how she thinks, she told me she knew how I think, now I tried to walk around that, and in a way I had to fight the urge to say no you don’t. But why, why is it so bad that a friend knows how I think… cause for her to know that, and for me to know she knows that, is one hell of a vulnerability isn’t it??? Either way I had to fight that letting someone else in. But … letting someone in who wanted to be there, and also who meant what they were saying, not just bullsh*tting on.



Who knows either way I guess from what I wrote yesterday, the anger is covering up something, well this is just what I thought from it. Now I might be tempted to say the meds are making me feel like this, well I doubt it just yet. I think the fact I said yes to the meds, was an admittance to myself, was an opening up, was showing my weakness, (to those I choose to show of course), was showing where I am vulnerable.



What is it in addiction, the first step is admitting you have a problem, ok I have a problem, I have an addiction, that addiction is anxiety, that problem is that I am scared of things, and I am scared for various reasons, and I would like to work on them.



I don’t know if I had a point, im sure I did, im also sure only my warped mind can see or connect it… oh well…



Either way I think not retraining your brain. Cant teach an old dog new tricks as they say, just get in the ring and fight with the f@cker, and show it what you really want. So to not retrain but to not even embrace, but get to the point of seeing what that anxiety is covering... what that depression is really saying... what it is saying about me, and what i am saying about myself. I have just realised some will say retrain, but i think once the admittance and acceptance comes of how you realise you truly feel, sorry i truly feel, i might finally get somewhere.... im scared.. and i admit it.

 

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DATE: Nov 02 2008, 3:57 am / MOOD: Tired

I have written somewhere, before the reference im not here, i never was.... im feeling it again thats all, or maybe its just i am aware of it... anyway, i dont like the feeling of drifting with my mind like this, i call it autopilot.... i feel like i am filling days.... anyway, i hope somehow i guess the meds will somehoe kick in and help to ease this feeling, think its just from the mad ass anxiety kick from beginning taking them.... anyway....

I ended up off and around searching things last night on the net... handy little resource i think, but in the wrong hands can be hell, in an anxious persons case it can ease a mind, or make it worse, again not the point, i was looking up psychological therories and such, anyway i stumbled onto a couple of things that were helpful, well for how long is anyones guess, cause i seem to find things to help one problem, then i find another 11 problems in its place, then start fixing them, and forget to keep implementing the things for the first plan, and start on the new one.... so really no wonder i feel im going nowhere...

Anyway a couple of things i came across anyway... One is Ironic reversal.... ok its the trying not to think of something, which only makes us not be able to think of something else. Ok so what i found was - When we are trying to avoid doing, saying or thinking about something, we often find that this is impossible.

This is because of the 'Catch 22' situation that in order to avoid thinking about something, we need to know what we are trying to avoid and hence we have to think about it. The situation then gets worse as our failure to succeed causes us to work harder at the task.

The thought can also act as a block against other thoughts. When searching for a word for a particular situation, the more available words that pop into our minds first become more available and consequently keep coming back when we try to think of other words.

As we get worn out by this fruitless task, our ability to control the situation weakens, we get stuck in the cycle and thinking can easily turn into saying and doing. Repetition also tends to strengthen our belief in what we are thinking, as in Mere Exposure Theory.

This spiral can easily fall into obsessive-compulsive behaviors and many psychological disorders include an inability to stop thinking about something uncomfortable.

Example : When you are trying to solve a crossword puzzle or quiz question, even though your first idea is not right, it gets in the way of you finding the correct answer.

How to get out of it : (and really a der... but anyway) The way out of the trap is not to try. It's like going to sleep: the more you try, the more you can't. The trick is to not be bothered about it, reducing the stress.

 

and really is the truth and helps me to explain when i say i am spinning on something....  so now to not be bothered by it.... far easier said than done, but i guess sometimes i keep trying to find the answers, i find when i try to force things, i struggle to find it, i leave it alone it pops in at some point the answer i am looking for.... like those sudoku problems, and any logic problems, i dont usually keep going with trial and error and then this goes here, then that there, and if that does that then that does that, cause that just confuses me more, and frustrates the f@ck outta me. So i tend to just stare at it, those types of things, then the answer jumps out at me eventually...

Maybe this is what this fog is right now, its me staring blankly at it, trying to find an answer, only prob is with this one i think i need the help.... Interesting...

The other thing i found, was something on anger.... now i can have some mad anger, and i tend to see red (well i am a red head), i do not lash out at people (well i have, but i wasnt first) but sometimes something will just anger me (othertimes it wont), and ill get so angry, like i can get so frustrated with an xbox game, i can get so angry at myself... doesnt matter, explaining it, you dont really need to know....

Anyway this thing said that anger is the reaction to hide something else, to hide another emotion, whether it be pride, or hurt, but we react with anger. So i began to ask myself, what emotion am i covering up (this is where my mild borderline comes in, so i guess i am working on that...), what part of me is somehow hurt, what is the emotion that i do not understand, or do not know how to express, that is where my anger comes from. I actually think this could be a very big break through with things. I am going to keep this in mind for the next visit to psychologist, maybe i will email her this.... so in reference to my anger at myself when playing a game, its pure frustration at me not being able to get it, to either messing up with reactions or something, which i guess ultimately comes down to maybe im too hard on myself, after all it is just a game isnt it.... that type of thing....

Anyway just something i found last night that was interesting that i had more time to think on today, cause well when do i not think....lol

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