Aug 07 2011, 8:21 pm / Mellow
I've had anxiety problems for a long time.Probly before I really knew it...probly before it became out of no where full blown,go to the ER panic attacks..Which have been going on for probly 8 years now. They started by just coming on..out of now where...I wouldn't be "worrying" or upset about anything...just all of the sudden I'd feel funny.Get a sharp chest pain,where my heart is.My left arm would start tingling.Fingers go numb.Noticing my breathing and heart rate...noticing my breathing started getting heavier and shorter...and that my heart was pounding..and palpitating.Feeling like im going to pass out...this very sudden..rapid..uncontrollable uprising of pure fear and panic.im having a heart attack...im going to die..im about to hit the deck...no one will know what's wrong with me...crying..building up to....nothing.i fall asleep.or lay there for hours until it finally subsides.It would happen all day.I've been to the ER.for "having a heart attack" several times....everytime..turns out to be anxiety.and no matter how many times i go...or how much i know its anxiety....it still causes the same fear and reaction.Still completley terrified that im going to die.
I did see a therapist for a brief time.Talking was helping.Trying to find out why.then i was put on anti-depressants,anti-anxieties,and a pill for high blood pressure...(at 24 years old!)..and that last one..only made my fear of heart problems way worse.But it helped...they went away...at the cost of me feeling zombie-ish..and muted feelings.I was on the meds for a year or two...and my insurance ran out...and i stopped taking it all.They were still gone...then slowly but surely...came back.Im 30 now...and still dealing.and haven't been steadily on meds since...i really dont want to...ill just try the therapy please...but ..no money for that.
They came and went for a while but weren't ruining my life..just every once in a whle..and i could deal with that in comparrison....but over the past 4 years...here we go again.Its different now though.I do still have crippling freak outs....but not all day everyday..Instead I am worrying to the point of the serious attack.worrying all day.about everything.At least 2-3 off the wall things are being worried about by me at all times.Everything I do..or see...I have a worry for.Its not just being cautious.Or careful...its obsessive.and becomes ritualistic.what if thinking about everything.my health..and me dying from something is a big ruler.or my fiance or family..same stuff..i imagine the phone calls i would get..."im calling to tell you that (insert brother,mother,fathers name here)has been in a car crash..or health related death"...i imagine my reactions...i think about getting hurt,someone i love getting hurt, natural disasters, break ins, ghosts, homelessness, overdoses...you name it...i worry about it happening to me..or someone i love....and then sometimes i get one of those doozies of a panic attack.I feel like im constantly trying to avoid one.Pretty sure its GAD..(generalized anxiety disorder.).Its OCD.Its a control thing.its a nightmare.and its exhausting.
All of this is really starting to control my life.Alot of things are probly the reasons why I am this way.I just want to be normal..to feel normal.To feel happy go lucky...and only worry when i actually need to.Its like im preparing myself...or trying to avoid things that i can't control...always on guard.I joined this site hoping for help.insight.other people who are going thru this too.I know they're out there.Im finding them allready.And seeing how they deal.what they're solutions are.Maybe it will help me conquer it.and maybe I can help someone too.