Feb 20 2008, 7:22 pm / Tired
I join various social networking sites and even have accounts at a couple of blogging sites, but I never blog or write online journals. It just seems that I'm talking into a void, and that anyone who does read any of it wouldn't be interested anyway...none of my problems are out of the ordinary and I feel whiny and self-absorbed when I try to get them down on (digital) paper, so many people are worse off than I am...
But. This is a site specifically about anxiety. And I am lonely and haven't spoken to anybody about any of the things wrong with my life for a very, very long time. People can read it or not if they choose, but I want to put it down.
A week or two ago was one of the very black times. I had a disappointment about something I had been hoping for very much. And I was completely alone when I wanted more than anything that someone - anyone - could just come and sit by me and just maybe hold my hand. Or something. I can now go for weeks or longer with no deliberate human contact. But there was no one. Just me and the knowledge that nothing was worth it, but that I had to go on anyway out of a sense of responsibility to my parents, who would be devastated if I died. When it got a little better, I knew I had to do something to regain some friends. (My little circle of friends I had a few years ago has slowly drifted to other cities and I never made anymore after the last one was gone, and was less than vigilant about keeping in contact with them.) I cannot go through something like that again alone. I don't know if I would survive, and I want very much to survive during the times that aren't black. So I went to the meetup.com site for my city and found some perfectly nice meetups, and joined one of a group of people that met for coffee once a week. I thought it would be a good place to start, at least, somewhere to practice being sociable. I rsvp'd to go to the meetup this week, and fully intended to go. It was a much better week than last week, the weight seemed almost entirely lifted ... I've been a little blank, but that's all.
So I drove to the place, feeling pretty well, intending to go. I got to the parking lot and couldn't get out of my car. It is a familiar sensation, there isn't any particular fear or panic in it (if there is it is hidden very deeply) it is just my brain saying very calmly, I will not go in. It completely overrides everything every other part of me wants. And then there is a sad voice saying, I want to go home, just to go home. So I did, and that is where I am now.
Things like this have happened so many times. I try very hard to reach out to people, during the times when I feel able to. But something in my mind just rises up and switches the rest of it off and shuts me down. I don't know what I'm going to do. Except, of course, just be by myself.