I swear Im dying
DATE: Apr 29 2012, 5:35 am / MOOD: Other
i currently feel at 306 in the morning that im going to die, i already had a a really rough day seeing as i was hungover the whole day at six flags,,, its horrible to be hungover at an amusement park. i was sweating and i just felt gross, My anxiety was horrible through out the whole day, i took my emergency xanax only about 0.50mg and it helped for a short amount of time, But eventually it came back.,,, it was like my anxiety fought through the xanax and just kept working over time to ruin my day. And now im exhuasted and i mean very very very tired and right when i tried to go to sleep about an hour ago out of nowwhere bam another attack. ANd this one is workse than anyone of the ones i had during the day. for some reason the ones i get at night are the worst ones its the the point where i want to call 911 and go to the hospital but my girl says its all in my head. i even took another 0.25 mg of xanax. so now im exhausted andi mean super tired im almost nodding off but theres still a hint of andiety tha tneeds to go away before i can be normal. If i survive untill the morning ill post again.
View Entry | Leave A Comment
TGIF? I think yes!!
DATE: Apr 13 2012, 9:09 am / MOOD: Content
So i dont know if i speak for everyone when i say Thank god its FRIDAY!! Ive had school all week, early in the morning, i have a midterm today, im tired, stressed out but once my class ends at noon... i get to go home, hug and kiss my puppies and just relax... The plan for the weekend is supposed to be Amanda and i going to six flags. Not sure if its going to rain tomorrow. It says its not supposed to... so hopefully it just comes down today and leaves us some nice sunlight for tomorrow. Rollercoasters and being with her make me extremely happy. My mid term for Automotive Electrical systems is in about 15 min so im gonna spend the next little bit reviewing. I have a feeling my anxiety levels will be low today. Lets hope this lasts! alrighty tribers fill you in soon!
View Entry | Leave A Comment
God Grant me the strength today
DATE: Apr 12 2012, 9:34 am / MOOD: Lonely
Hello felow Tribers. I didnt get a chance to blog yesterday when i really needed you guys the most. whats been going on in my life lately that has been causing me about 80 percent of my anxiety and depression is that my girlfriend of almost 6 years and i are having probably the most difficult time in our relationship ever. So it was brought to my attention by her that over the past few years ive "become a dick" and i didnt really notice this until she brought it up, i guess she was right and i swear its due to me gaining all the weight ive gained and for some reason now im more short tempered, So i really have lately tried to be a better person and watch what i say and be more respectful. Only problem is on St Patricks day her and i were drinking with some people at our apartment and i ended up passing out early. I had my really good friend Ryan over and this Other guy Joe who i met through a mutual friend of ours and i thought it was a pretty cool guy so i said they could both spend the night at our apartment. so Long story short, my friend ryan leaves in the middle of the night to go home leaving My girl and joe together. He takes advantage of my very drunk, very wasted girlfriend not 20 feet from where im sleeping in the bedroom. I had no idea this had happend until MONDAY NIGHT, mind you st pattys day was on saturday. This guy had the nerve to screw my girlfreind and THEN stay the WHOLE next day and drink with me some more the whole time hitting on my girl and making her feel uncomfortable (not in front of me ) like i when i would leave to go to the bathroom. My girl tells me about this MONDAY night after i get back froma long day at school where i had had the most HORRIBLE hangover of my entire life. She sits me down monday night, and she starts to bawl her eyes out and says the other night on st patricks day Joe f@cked me. i was in shock and asked her what she meant and what happend. She said that the last thing she remembers was taking another shot of rum in our kitchen and blacked out for the rest of the night. she said she woke up on the floor at 5am with nothing on from the waist down. She at that point still didnt know what happened, she comes to tell me that the Morning after it hapend this joe guy asked her " do you remember last night" and my girl was like no what do you mean. And this asshole had the nerve to say it like this "well with all the bad luck i have youll probably get pregnant". Meaning that not only did he do this to her but he did his business inside her and didnt even care. But she still says that she remembers nothing at all just a split second of him on top of her. i was broken hearted at this point after she told me. I love her and told her that i beleive it wasnt her fault and that im pretty sure he took advantage of her and did this without her persmission given how drunk she was. I talked to my friend that introduced this joe guy to me and told him that his friend raped my girlfriend. He talked to joe and joe says that My girl was ALL over him the second my friend ryan left the house. Which i dont beleive for a split second because its been almost 6 years and we have never had a problem like this with or without alcohol being involved. What really got to me was that there ARE drunk sex laws, if you dont know what they are look them up. Since she remembers nothing i considered it rape becuase she was too drunk to even fend for herself . But when asked her to file the rape charge and have detectives come out and handle this, she said no.... now where do you think that puts my mind? and she said the reason why was becuase she didnt want to have to deal with Court and court dates and that she doesnt remember anything at all so what would it matter. Well the drunk sex law states that if the person is to intoxicated to even remember or have to ability to say no or even distinguish the difference betwween yes and no its considered rape. i talked to an LAPD detective over the phone and he told me that without HER permission they couldnt continue with charges or an investigation but by the sounds of it it WAS a chargable offense. But like i said before she wouldnt do it..... So this was st patricks day, its been about a little less than a month now, and her and i have slowly been working past that. I had just recently about 4 days ago told my best friend bryant what had happend, he was really upset but then informed me that when i DO go to sleep early and i leave her up with my friends wether it be him or bryants friends or co-workers that she gets "flirtatious" when she drinks, Mind you Bryant is Gay and has always told me the truth, and after he told me that she gets really drunk she "likes male attention" and or just gets touchy and hangy on people because shes intoxicated... This enraged me and gave me even more anxiety becuase this was the first time i had ever heard this from anyone and i confronted her about it and she says she swears shes not like that and has no idea what hes talking about. Well i tried to get over that too and just decided that when we drink with my freinds i will NOT be the first one to pass out but the last, and i will be monitoring behavior as well. So just yesterday i noticed that she had been texting my good freind ryan at 3am which i found odd so naturally after what had happend i got super paranoid and panic set in and i went off a little asking why they were talking after i had already gone to bed and why they had been talking at 3am and why she had erased the messages... the only reason i knew this was becuase i was on our cell phone providers site looking up some minute and text usage and noticed my freinds number for over 2 pages of texts, i asked to see her phone and all the messages from the previous night were missing.... so we got into a little argument about her texting my freinds at 3 am.... later that day she said that the reason she talks to ryan so much is becuase she doesnt want to "think about the problems in our relationship" so she distracts her self by talking to him. She assured me that she has no feelings for him whatsoever and i believe that. I asked her what problems? and she mentioned that st pattys day was still bothering her in her head becuase she cant remember what happend but that it was also something else, she said " I love you but my feelings arent the same as they used to be. i know your trying to do better but thats not gonna make things change overnight". This broke my heart yesterday as we were texting about this as i was walking toward the bus stop to go to school and i for the first time in a really long time, lost it publicly, luckily for me there was no one waiting for the bus just me so i was able to just cry it out, i felt that everything around me was crumbling down. school is already very stressful as i have to wake up at 415 am to be at school by 7am and i dont get home from school until 1130pm leaving no time but during the day to deal with everything going on in my life including the most important part, my relationship. Yesterday was just like one long anxiety filled cry fest all by myself. A grown ass man crying on the bus... Im soooo sorry fellow tribers if your reading this and going god what a mess. but a mess is exactly how i feel. i was able to talk to her last night when i got home and told her that im doing everything i can to improve and treat her like a princess she told me that she wants this relationship to work and that she couldnt imagine life without me and that she just wants to be happy, well thats all i want for her as well but i want to be happy too. she IS what makes me happy shes my everything, my stars, moon, and sky , anytime i ever have anxiety or panic shes always the one that can talk me down no matter where she is. I have loved her for these 6 years and i know that those feelings will never change becuase i feel she IS the one and she knows i feel this way and she has told me on numerous occasions that she feels i am too. I want everything to work more than anything so i feel that im walking on eggshells right now you know? But at the end of the day you cant force someone to love you more. I just want this problem to be gone already so that i can feel like im in the clear... but god only knows how long this will take. But i Will do whatever it takes. Thanks for reading im so sorry its so long but this has been building since yesterday and i needed to let it all out. If you have any other questions or comments you dont feel comfortable leaving on my page feel free to Private message me about it.
View Entry | Leave A Comment
DATE: Apr 10 2012, 7:13 pm / MOOD: Frustrated
i was last on this morning, i was doing ok, stopped by my dads on the way to school. im on the bus now as i write this and for some reason the ride is making me anxious.... ive ridden the bus a million times before and im more annoyed with myself that i can get like this on the bus. the sad part is i wish more than anything i could have someone i know next to me that knows what im going through to just rub my back and tell me to relax, because me trying to tell myself to relax? yeah right who am i kidding?? sh*t that ive never been afraid of before is creeping up lik i was going over a bridge earlier and im like wow what if it just collapse and im sitting there mad like why did i even think of that?? ugh well im almost to school and i should be able to handle that its just a few hours of engine theory, engines calms me down i guess... felt like i had to rant... sorry but i do feel better suprisingly.. :)
View Entry | Leave A Comment