Anxiety
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VIEWING 1 - 10 OUT OF 21 TOTAL
he\'s finally here!
DATE: Mar 23 2008, 3:37 pm / MOOD: Tired
just wanted to let everyone know that baby julian was born friday, at 3:13pm.....he was 9lbs 1oz and 21 inches long. he is healthy and i am doing well too. i was induced at around 9am and active labor started around 2pm. so, it wasn't too long...just took quite alot of effort geting him out, he is so big! his head is 13 and a half inches around! lol! they had to suction him out. i don't know how i created such a giant baby...haha ..just got home this morning...and it's still a bit hard for me to sleep mostly because i'm worried about him...right now i'm supposed to be napping but i snuck on here...hehe. he is sleeping next to me looking very cute. :) i will try to put up pictures asap....and thank you to all my lovely anxietytribe friends for supporting me and offering good wishes....julian thanks you too! see you all soon View Entry | Leave A Comment
again..news and such
DATE: Mar 17 2008, 1:42 pm / MOOD: Tired
so, i went to the doctor today, found out i am 2 centimeters dilated, but i need to be 10 so that's not much. haha if he doesn't come on his own i am scheduled to go into the hospital thursday night and be induced friday morning. also, the doctor still says he can't estimate size or weight or anything. my mother says this is because he doesn't want to scare me. lol so i am anticipating a pretty big baby. in other events, i am actually feeling a little less depressed. still feel sh*tty physically though. haha now excuse me while i pass out... View Entry | Leave A Comment
news from alyssaland
DATE: Mar 16 2008, 2:52 pm / MOOD: Tired
hello folks. just wanted to sayy...lots of people have been leaving me comments and i have neglected to reply. it's to the point where i am mixing people up and can't remember who said what and when and yadda-yadda. i apologize. i am extremely tired and my mind is never focused lately. i can only sleep for an hour at a time...i think that's one of the causes for this. so, an update to anyone wondering, my labor will be induced this week..could be anytime between tomorrow and thursday. i will find that out at the doctor in the morning. in all honesty i've been feeling very reclusive lately. i don't even really want to talk to people. that sounds quite awful, but it's true. i have no idea why. i'm very paranoid lately about the baby. i don't think i will be a good parent, or even a decent one. i've never even held a baby before. i'm even getting anxious about all the people who will be calling and dropping by and ohhing and awweing over him, i really wish they would all just go away. it's already annoying having everyone constantly talking about how they can't wait to babysit him and come over and stay with me to help. i don't want all these people hovering around me. i've tried very hard ever since i had to stop taking my medication to be social and positive and happy but i'm getting very sick of it all. there are only a few individuals who i feel comfortable around anymore. what's worse is, my husband wants me to breastfeed for atleast two weeks which means i cant take my medication for even longer. i have a feeling i am going to NEED it. i already need it. i don't want anything bad to happen in the mean time. hopefully i will feel better soon. maybe i'm just having a bad week. i don't know. i will stop rambling now. View Entry | Leave A Comment
well..some more great news!
DATE: Mar 01 2008, 2:27 pm / MOOD: Angry
my landlord came by today, and joey and i have until the end of the week to give him a months rent ($1100), or else we will be kicked out. right now we've been leeching off our family just for food..and are behind on all the bills as well. luckily my mother has offered to give us $300 so far. the only program that can help us we will not be eligible for until the baby is born...and the emergency rental assistance program is "too low on funds" to help us either. i am very silently angry over this. i worked as hard as i could for as long as i could....if i could i would go stand on a street corner for money right now. so, uh, wish us luck i guess. View Entry | Leave A Comment
boredom cure
DATE: Mar 01 2008, 10:52 am / MOOD: Bored
70 Questions Guaranteed You've (probably) Never Answered.
5. I've come to realize the last person who held my hand: 8. Do you carve pumpkins every year? 9. Color of your underwear? 10. Color of your shirt? 16. Are you a bad influence? 35. Do you like drunk girls/guys? 43. What's the last thing someone bought you: ive always been a batman person 69. What's your favorite Disney movie? View Entry | Leave A Comment
some old poems, since i cannot write anymore
DATE: Feb 21 2008, 8:15 am / MOOD: Bored
the cure comes with consequence it's pretty sad that i am just what they said i would become it's pretty bad that i can't ever seem to go the long run everything, everywhere is only temporary so how can i pretend that what i feel is what i'm sharing? this blue paper it looks better with my tears to stain it and memories of melancholy times can't rearrange it the sun has left it's cloudy grave, and it is far too bright now i don't know who i am with all this light to shed on.
red gleaming pride, red gleaming pride i once used to force my hand to feed you black broken smile, black broken smile i once used to force my heart to heal you
but now i am healed.
the cold city. there was a city, in the darkest of interstate driving so far away just to see the sights. and i remember the winter frost, lost under the parking lot all the beauty of death and love and every leaveless tree. burning up the highway even though there was snow helping my eyes to leak helping my mind to grow i never mentioned this life before, it was under the sheets forever more but morning has broken through the black and now i am ready. spring has sprung and left me in shambles hating the sunshine, warm against my skin every pore flowing open every breath getting difficult to draw this season is grating against my patience again.
ziprasidone truth is a buried organ in the belly tomb of life and i'm tired of repetative surgery trying to find the light
so i glance upon a large reflection of my face in the black of night i look like someone tore me apart glued me back together, with the lines not quite right
cracked and trembling like a mosiac in a ten-ton truck on a bumpy road and my heart feels just the same doctor says anti-psychotics might change my mind lighten the load
but these itty-bits of hydrochloride seem to make me sick like a sputtering faucet that dirty's up the sink
and i reach out for your vocal chords i need to hear your voice but the silence wraps me up so tight like a blanket of suffocation.
another pill, another book read another life lead about to end.
may the fabric of my mind endure the needle and thread that swims haphazard sewing up loose ends.
View Entry | Leave A Comment
old rhyme
DATE: Feb 19 2008, 3:34 pm / MOOD: Bored
what day of the week were u born? i was born on friday the 13th. lol
Monday's child is fair of face. Tuesday's child is full of grace. Wednesday's child is full of woe. Thursday's child has far to go. Friday's child is loving and giving. Saturday's child works hard for a living, But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day Is bonny and blithe and good and gay. View Entry | Leave A Comment
how ironical
DATE: Feb 17 2008, 10:25 am / MOOD: Anxious
well....exactly a week ago i went on maternity leave from my job. i was looking forward to being able to relax and such...but each day i have felt worse and worse ever since i left. my anxiety is getting bad again, and so is my depression. i thought leaving the stress of work would be good for me, but instead i have all this time to think about things too much and i'm getting myself all out of whack. i guess when i was working my mind was totally preoccupied with my job responsibilities, and it also forced me to talk to people, on the phones and in person. already i have stopped wanting to go out to public places, which is the way i was before i got my job. it could also be mixed with anxiety for my upcoming labor and delivery...which has got me nervous of course...but 80% of it is because of my job. i miss it so much already..i want to just drive there now! i never thought i would feel that way, as i am a lazy person in alot of ways... i just hope i can make it through this paranoia/anxiety/depression until the baby is born and i can get back on my meds :( View Entry | Leave A Comment
Pretty Please?
DATE: Feb 08 2008, 2:52 pm / MOOD: Exited
Hello all. i'm totally copying jade, i know...but would you PLEASE vote for my cat in the Humane Societies Spay Day Contest? Her name is Marla. http://www.spaydayusa.org Just entering this contest today made my month! lol and if anyone else wants some votes for their pet, i would be more than happy to. Thanks! :) View Entry | Leave A Comment
bird talk
DATE: Jan 31 2008, 6:54 pm / MOOD: Sad
it's funny. i think i had a mild panic attack today. i was cleaning the exotic birds yesterday.. (which i do on wednesdays and thursdays only) and a gothan cockatoo named patsy nipped me lightly on my finger while i was moving her cage. it hurt a little, but it made me upset that she even went after me in the first place...as i have never been bitten in the whole 8 mths ive worked there. i got over it though, rather quickly. today, i was again cleaning them, and an umbrella cockatoo named casey bit me. hard. broke the skin on my index finger. i totally flipped out and started crying. i ran into the bathroom and tried to compose myself...but i couldnt stop shaking. i havent been that emotionally worked up in a long time..it was alarming. i dont even know why i reacted that way. a bird bit me...oh well. i know its petty and stupid, but i didnt finish cleaning casey's cage. i fed him of course...but i just left his cage half dirty. i dunno whats wrong with me...maybe its my hormones... :( View Entry | Leave A Comment
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