Dec 27 2007, 9:22 am / Mellow
Sometimes when I talk or write or blog, I do look at myself externally, or at least sometime after the event. I will think, no wonder people think that I am a mental case. I do look at life in a very different way, and yes, if I was an outsider, I might consider me a mental case too. Sometimes I wonder too. but labels or not, doesn't change the fact of my experiences or who I am or how I feel or decide or think about things. So I just go on. Doing what I do. Sometimes I lose faith, or have doubts, or am not so sure, but I look around me, and I look at the proof of the pudding, everything and everyone seems alright to me, so, I must be doing ok.
I am lucky for in the past few years, I seem to have collected people who see the good things in me, and don't want me to end up like Van Gogh, cutting off his ears and going mad and killing himself and not enjoying the fruits of his labor. I am flattered, right !
These people I have not trusted, it took me some years before I fully trusted them. I don't trust so easily. I guess over the years I am so tired of explaining myself to people, and 'what you say or do can and will be held against you' it doesn't do any good either. So I just go my own way, having one or two people along the way for part of the ways who believe in me, or who believe as I do that I am ok walking the path that I have chosen, allowing myself to feel what I feel and allowing me to talk about the things not talked about by normal peoples. life death madness.
these people aren't mainstream either. they seem to be living ok lives and see things differently with conviction, so I thought I'd go those perspectives and see.
So in that period of time I explored different worlds, looked from different perspectives, different ways to look at life and people, from different vantage points and different levels of perceptions. So I had a very interesting time. not to mention that my own experiences and very painful and scary struggles made it all the more poignant to me.
with all these whys and wherefores and philosophies and age old wisdoms and archetypes and what nots, I could take a lot of things, but not the little green men and ufos ( that's a bit too much for me), I began to get fascinated by all these stories that explain the individual's condition. I call em stories, for stories give sense and logic to the individual's existence, and the individual's existence is what means anything to himself.
in the end, i surmised, it isn't about whether the stories are believable or not, logical or not, reasonable or not, that is not important. what is important is that the individual be able to live happily on earth. that's what's most important. how they live their lives on earth. stories, are stories. true or not, stories are what give meaning to the individuals and give reason for their sufferings.
so then I love collecting stories and looking at the stories and talking stories with people. there are some people I talked to. over a course of a period of time..... somehow, due to stories, I was basically sharing my own stories, (every week there is new stories because I basically don't stop evolving or wondering about something after I have moved from it into something else) and then hearing their stories and then making stories from their own stories. strangely, over the period of time, somehow from the dark clouded minds, they get great clarity and walk well on their own momentum. somehow I could pinpoint the main thrust of their stories. but some people I have found would not budge from their stories, so when stories don't change, conditions cannot change. so yes, because I myself sit in Psyche and study it, my own, I became interested in it in people. how some triumph and some don't etc.....