Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Jul 07 2009, 4:28 pm / MOOD: Other

just feel like blogging. expressing something that has no words yet. for its own sake.

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DATE: Dec 31 2007, 10:48 pm / MOOD: Mellow

Happy New Year and Happy Joy of discovering Ourselves and all its Corners ! And Discovering what works for us, and what Doesn't.

 

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DATE: Dec 27 2007, 9:22 am / MOOD: Mellow

Sometimes when I talk or write or blog, I do look at myself externally, or at least sometime after the event. I will think, no wonder people think that I am a mental case. I do look at life in a very different way, and yes, if I was an outsider, I might consider me a mental case too. Sometimes I wonder too. but labels or not, doesn't change the fact of my experiences or who I am or how I feel or decide or think about things. So I just go on. Doing what I do. Sometimes I lose faith, or have doubts, or am not so sure, but I look around me, and I look at the proof of the pudding, everything and everyone seems alright to me, so, I must be doing ok.

I am lucky for in the past few years, I seem to have collected people who see the good things in me, and don't want me to end up like Van Gogh, cutting off his ears and going mad and killing himself and not enjoying the fruits of his labor. I am flattered, right !

These people I have not trusted, it took me some years before I fully trusted them. I don't trust so easily. I guess over the years I am so tired of explaining myself to people, and 'what you say or do can and will be held against you' it doesn't do any good either. So I just go my own way, having one or two people along the way for part of the ways who believe in me, or who believe as I do that I am ok walking the path that I have chosen, allowing myself to feel what I feel and allowing me to talk about the things not talked about by normal peoples. life death madness.

these people aren't mainstream either. they seem to be living ok lives and see things differently with conviction, so I thought I'd go those perspectives and see.

So in that period of time I explored different worlds, looked from different perspectives, different ways to look at life and people, from different vantage points and different levels of perceptions. So  I had a very interesting time. not to mention that my own experiences and very painful and scary struggles made it all the more poignant to me.

with all these whys and wherefores and philosophies and age old wisdoms and archetypes and what nots, I could take a lot of things, but not the little green men and ufos ( that's a bit too much for me), I began to get fascinated by all these stories that explain the individual's condition. I call em stories, for stories give sense and logic to the individual's existence, and the individual's existence is what means anything to himself.

in the end, i surmised, it isn't about whether the stories are believable or not, logical or not, reasonable or not, that is not important. what is important is that the individual be able to live happily on earth. that's what's most important. how they live their lives on earth. stories, are stories. true or not, stories are what give meaning to the individuals and give reason for their sufferings.

so then I love collecting stories and looking at the stories and talking stories with people. there are some people I talked to. over a course of a period of time..... somehow, due to stories, I was basically sharing my own stories, (every week there is new stories because I basically don't stop evolving or wondering about something after I have moved from it into something else) and then hearing their stories and then making stories from their own stories. strangely, over the period of time, somehow from the dark clouded minds, they get great clarity and walk well on their own momentum. somehow I could pinpoint the main thrust of their stories. but some people I have found would not budge from their stories, so when stories don't change, conditions cannot change. so yes, because I myself sit in Psyche and study it, my own, I became interested in it in people. how some triumph and some don't etc.....

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DATE: Dec 26 2007, 5:41 am / MOOD: Don't know

Here is another bit about me, which is just me, without its adulterated forms. Meaning I have uncovered so many corrupted layers about me that I am reaching about what I am.

 I seem to have a very good ability to be the environment that I am in. In role, in character play. A little bit of a chameleon, except that a chameleon blends in, I might play a role of charmer, instigator, outcast, or whatever. and if I was watching a movie, or listening to a song, I suddenly become whatever that I am watching or be feeling what the song is singing.

This means I have great empathic skill. not by intention. but it seems to happen. and this has confused me a lot. for I kept thinking that it was me, when clearly I was merely projecting stuffs of the others.

So as time went by, I began to notice what belongs to me and what of others. and during christmas I was sitting on my own, guarding my christmas away from company but mine, I found that I had no need to be anyone or anything or to prove anything. I have all that I need, I have no need to learn more than by setting my attention to it, I had no desire in which ever direction. sexless and genderless and ageless.  I was very neutral. there was no unpeace to this state.

so needless to say, I do wonder about what's next, or what drives me, for when I am under the influence, of whatever that affects me nearby, then I will go chase after that thing, and become that with all its necessary skills.

and at this point its like, ermm...ok...what's up... ?

for my intense interests in things lasts only as long as its effects on me, the insights given me, then I will go back to normal, to disengage myself. myself without insights, without motive.

so I do not commit myself to anything, and I do wonder, for what am I gathering experiences, insight and knowledge, inside knowledge ?

 

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DATE: Dec 25 2007, 8:00 am / MOOD: Don't know

By any standards, by any means, it would seem my life is all wrong. mentally I am all wrong. but as time goes by, as I grip each aspect, one by one, I think, perhaps it isn't me that is wrong, but that I do not fit the mold of the norm. For relative to other standards albeit minority, I am fine, perfect even.

my mental problems are unnecesary. the way I am made, I am a tad different. my mental problems are due to the stress of me fitting in which obviously due to my unique make up, I would never be part of the norm. not for too long. intensely in, then out again.

When I realized this, I decided to live with who and what that I am , even that I am in the process of discovering, and separating what's me and what's simply learned bad behaviour and learned rules that are unsuitable for me.

 you could say I live a very aware life. or when it is off, it becomes over analytical. anal, people call it. there are somethings that can be analyzed to death.

 because early in life I have chosen the path less travelled, so when I walk the path, where few walk, sometimes I lose my confidence. when I lose confidence, I start to doubt and be afraid. then the problems start, till I get a hold of myself again, take a look at the situation, and make a reset.

I have learnt to live what is right for me. yes I am most of the time frightened. I need people's reassurances. but because people tend to be of the majority, their reassurances tend to need me to stay within their norms. which for me is unacceptable. so you see, I was caught never here, nor there.

 but little by little, I learnt to tweak a little something, look at the results, look at me still standing and the world has not fallen apart, so I take more tweaks, each time the cycle repeats, to see if my world would fall apart. usually it doesn't but the doubter me, always fears the falling apart, even if it doesn't happen.

I have done so much tweaking that somewhere the build up is so much that a cascade happens. the tipping point occured, and huge changes availed. even that was scary. you know, anything new and unfamiliar , even if it is good and better, is freakin scary to me. it takes a lot for me to say no to the better the devil I know.

slowly I began to discover my life, the reason for my life, or at least to make a reason for it and all things become better. I sit right at the turning point, where the good stuff happens and I accept them, yes, I do become suspicious when good things happen to me. usually i wave them away. tell me that I am a mental  for doing that !

 I discover the gifts and talents that are me. and how because I have these things, I have to live my life with them. (x-men helps !)

outsider, never fitting in, different.

 the thing is, I never wanted to be same like others. well, I was told, becareful what you ask for ! I got exactly that !!!

because also I had said, I wanted my life to be useful for others, pressure cook me if needs be so that wisdom does not come to me when I am a doddering oldie, without the strength to make use of the wisdom gained. and got cooked I did. geez, and it had been no fun at all.

have I gotten what I wanted? yes. I have gained much insight. I am sitting at the point where I have much of a breather. a long restful period, after all those trials and tribulations. see I figured, if I had to suffer and go through those terrible times, i wouldn't mind it so much if it was for good. so no, I don't mind them. the life in front of me won't be so hard now. in fact, only  a fraction. only thing that I would call hard, would be I am still afraid of new things. and because of the way I live my life, it is always new, for anything I discover or focus my attention to be worked on, it is dealt with and I am different. for the way I see things, the way I approach things.

so I walk in perpetual fear and some doubt, even though I close my eyes and do it anyway. and on days when I am clear and I remember, I walk forwards peacefully. otherwise trembling and all I go ahead, all things still happen, so all is good.

most of the hard work I have had to do with my life, is to work on my intangibles. I have before wondered, it would be easy if the problem was visible. for example, something broke, glue it, fix it. but of the mind, the psyche, these are all fleety floaty things, so intangible how does one do that. strangely, I began to get a hang of it. it actually is possible.catch the tail end of one, any one, just catch one, grip it firmly, square with it, talk to it and get a reason for its existence. and then it no longer has the reason to exist, and it would leave me alone.

so, one by one that was what I did. I think catching the flea with a magnifying glass would be easier than catching the mental stuffs. but it is doable and I begin to get the hang of it.

 

 

 

 

 

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DATE: Dec 21 2007, 2:52 am / MOOD: Mellow

It is difficult to tell of my history. I have just started to enjoy life again. Enjoy sitting on top of those anxiety mental stuffs. Enjoy having fun. Enjoying getting the hang of whats what and whats where and what's up. Enjoying looking forward. Enjoy the very basic things of life. Beginning again, anew. Connecting, anew. putting all those stuffs behind me. To tell of my history, is to go back. to go back where it all started in my early twenties. Yes it has been that long. But yet, I have learnt so much from it, about the human condition. I have been so humbled. I have been given new eyes to see, to see beauty and creation in the simplest things. I have been led down paths of discovery and understanding, and secrets of power, personal power. But I can say, without escaping, they are all behind me now. The worst of them. All of my experiences have led to the good. I won't be who I am without them. I would not be able to do what I can do now without them, what I have so learnt from them.

 My future, will be of discovery and more surprises. but these I look forward to, forging new friendships and relationships, and ideas and peoples with a strong wholesome sense of self. 

 yes anxiety has been like empty pockets of the self. huge empty pockets maybe larger than our solid sense of self. the swiss cheese. and its scary big holes with no end in sight, no walls in sight. empty scary vast spaces within us. that scary.

 So in this tribe, this is where I begin.  

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DATE: Dec 19 2007, 11:53 pm / MOOD: Mellow

To introduce myself, when I came on here, I wondered if I was in the right place. I have had all these problems, I have overcome so much, understood so much, touched so much. So much so that I wonder if I still have a pass in here, if people will see me as patronizing, or show off or whatnot. I have been so misunderstood and all by the people themselves that all I can do is hands up and hope for the best. Because really, it isn't up to me to be understood or no, I only state the truths of who I am and how I see things. How people intepret *shrugs* well.... I can only control of me, not of others perceptions of me.

 

 

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DATE: Dec 19 2007, 8:19 pm / MOOD: Mellow

still navigating the tribe buttons and site !

 Familiarizing...

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DATE: Dec 18 2007, 9:06 am / MOOD: High

Just over a major hurdle, pretty pretty please !

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