Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Jan 09 2012, 3:02 pm / MOOD: Other

I Think i need to find support groups with people my age in my area...

Any idea how to find that?!

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DATE: Sep 02 2011, 1:59 am / MOOD: Don't know

Soooooo....., My Day started off with my Parent's Waking me up to tell me they were leaving & me pretending that I would be getting up to go to Work, but in all reality, I had called the Night b4 and Said my Grandpap died and I had to leave town, so I pretty much lied to everyone.... & I'm not proud of it, I'm not happy w/ myself, but I just couldn't take a chance of going and panicing @ a place that I want to work, that I need to work.

Then.. I was up for a while, my phone rang, and I was on it, but it said a familiar name.. My old bestfriend's Dad.. I missed the call, so I tried to call back & no answer. I tried texting & saying, is this Janice, but no answer.. & When I was talking to my Gram, the same # called back.. Answered and it was Janice.... My old best friend, who has the daughter Alexis.. I Think I wrote about them before.. But we haven't talked in a looong time.. She said, have you talked to Jim, Jim is her 2nd child's Dad, Her Baby that is not even 4 month's yet, and asked if I was friend's w/ Him on facebook. I despise Him, so I'm not sure why She would even think that.. but then she said he and I broke up, bc I didn't have my sh*t together, He kept warning me to get it together, but I never listened, like he is Her Dad or something.. & finally He just left, and it was my own fault.. So now I just got a job online and She said he is happy and that He Wished She would have done it for the right reason's, whatever.. But they were supposiably gonna get back together, even though on his Facebook it says he has a new gf. But then he started Hearing all this stuff, and this is when I supposiably come into play, it is stuff that happened TEN YEARS ago!! About stuff that happened up my other friend's and her's ex boyfriends house.. It was a crazy party house, and the thing was I never went there..!! But according to Jim he was getting this info from Three different ppl, none of which knew each other and one of the Girls Lives on the same Road as me. Everyone said I shouldn't have answered, and She acted all cool after I told Her no and was talking about Life and what She's been up to and asked me whats going on w/ me, but everyone said that I should have hung up when she accused me.. It's been so long and She was my bestfriend, and I could Hear Alexis Sounding so grown up.. = ( made me sad.. She said, She has Her own car, and that She just a got a job, online, that pays better then any other job She has had, I'd LOVE to know how to find that kind of job, and She Hopes to be moved out in the next Month or so.. She's Living w/ her Dad, 2 kids, a Dog, Him and His GF in a duplex, so Idk how thats going.. She said I'll talk to you later, but I doubt it.. & I have to be okay w/ that..

I got a little anxious b4, talking to the ex.. Wanted to try and be "sexy" for him, and I couldn't do do it.. Im so back and forth with him, it annoys me, I cant Imagine how He feel's.!

Since I didn't go to Work Today my Parent's Said that I should make an appointment to go See my Therapist, I know what She will say tho.. I dont know if I'll Look for a new one of not, actually I'm gonna have to because I'll be off's my Parent's Insurance in a few weeks, on my 26th Bday, ugh im so old.. Janice BIrthday is the day b4 mine but She'll be 27....

It's super late, and I'm sorry I use this for a journal even when it's not having to do with anxiety, but sometimes it seems like everything, every decision I make is based around anxiety. My Aunt wants me to come out w/ her to get the Baby and then stay and hang out with my Cousin, cause its Her Bday this Weekend, I don't Think I'll do that, ugh = /. I'm sleepy now and the Steelers Won Lol!!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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DATE: Aug 31 2011, 3:52 pm / MOOD: Anxious

SO TOMORROW MY PARENT'S ARE GOING AWAY AND THAT SCARES ME, MAKES ME ANXIOUS.. BUT THEN I HAVE TO GO TO MY SECOND DAY OF WORK, WHICH SCARES ME EVEN MORE.. & I GOT INTO A BIG FIGHT WITH THEM ABOUT IT BECAUSE SINCE MY BROTHER'S CAR DIDN'T PASS INSPECTION AND HE CAN'T DRIVE IT, HE HAS TO GET TO SCHOOL, SO HE WOULD HAVE TO USE MY DAD'S CAR & MY SISTER HAS HER OWN CAR, SO THEY WOULD EACH TAKE ME OR PICK ME UP FROM WORK, SO NOT ONLY WOULD MY PARENTS BE MILES AND MILES AWAY BUT I'D HAVE NO CAR AT THIS JOB! IT'S LIKE WHY DO I GET SCREWED? YOU KNOW THAT WORKING IS HARD ENOUGH FOR ME AND IM TRYING TO MAKE THESE STEPS BUT YOU KEEP PUSHING ME AND PUSHING ME AND THEN GET MAD @ ME BECAUSE I CAN'T DO IT. LIKE I NEED A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK, I DONT NEED IT ALL ON MY SHOULDER'S.! I CAN'T HANDLE IT ALL ON MY SHOULDER'S.. & THEN THEY BRING UP STRESSING OUT MY MUM AND HER GETTING SICK, LIKE ITS ALL MY FAULT IF MY MUM GETS SICK. I LOVE MY MUM AND DONT WANT HER TO BE SICK OR STRESSED, BUT I CAN ONLY PUSH MYSELF SO MUCH @ A TIME!!!! THEY JUST DONT GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I KNOW THAT EVERYONE SAYS DON'T WORRY ABOUT GUYS, FOCUS ON MYSELF, BUT I'M SICK OF BEING LONELY! IM TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT ALL THE PAST GUYS WHO HAVE SAID THEY CARED ABOUT ME, THE ONES WHO MADE ME FALL FOR THEM AND THEN WALKED AWAY. IM 25, GOING TO BE 26 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE NO ONE BY MY SIDE. I LOVE MY FAMILY, I'LL ALWAYS LOVE THEM AND BE SO THANKFUL FOR THEM BUT I CAN'T RELY ON THEM OR CRY TO THAM ALL THE TIME BC A. THEY HAVE THEIR OWN LIVES & B. I DONT WANT TO DO THAT TO THEM! IM JUST TIRED IM SOO TIRED OF IT ALL. IM REACHING LIKE ULTIMATE STRESS LEVEL AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO TURN IT AROUND, I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY. I JUST WANT TO SHUT EVERYONE OUT AND MOVE FAR AWAY AND START ALL OVER. BUT I KNOW I COULDNT DO THAT, BC IM SCARED TO PRETTY MUCH DO ANYTHING!

FML SERIOUSLY, I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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DATE: Aug 30 2011, 11:12 pm / MOOD: Sleepy

My 1st Day of Work went Well, well all I did was sit & read some book about company policies and filled out papers and then I waited and waited for the Manager to come back, and then I left lol. It was only about 2 1/2 hours, and so will be Thursday, just to get me into the System and have all the necesseary paper work filled out. & I have to Remember to find my Birth Certificate since I lost my Soc. Card haha. I dont know if my Parents are going away, bc my Mum isnt feeling well, Her leg is really hurting Her.. She doesnt go for an MRI till next Week tho.

I HATE BEING LONELY!! I REMEMBER MY X BOYFRIEND,WE WOULD STAY @ HOTEL'S, NEVER ALONE, BUT HE WAS KICKED OUT OF MY AUNT'S HOUSE ALONE WITH MY COUSIN, SO WE WOULD ALL GO THERE AND HANG OUT.. BUT IT WAS NICE WAKING UP NEXT TO HIM, NICE KNOWING HE WAS SLEEPING NEXT TO ME. WE NEVER DID ANYTHING, JUST CUDDLED AND WOKE UP TOGETHER, USUALLY ON SEPERATE SIDES OF THE BED AND WE FOUGHT OVER THE COVER'S HAHA, BUT IT WAS NICE.. I MISS IT!! IT WAS A NICE FEELING EVEN THO HE WAS A JERK!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!

Just Hope things keep going good & I can meet someone and stop being so damn lonely!!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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DATE: Aug 29 2011, 11:57 pm / MOOD: Anxious

Ugh I am so bad, I typed my blog and it all got erased bc my Computer shut down, I was soo sad = (!

Tomorrow I start my new Job, I dont know if it will just be paper work and some computer stuff or what, but im super super nervous!! I want to do good, I want this to be a great whole new start, I want to make new friends, meet new people, be good at this job and Hopefully enjoy it.. & It's all confusing now bc my Brother's Car is broke and not fixable, and He has to get to School Everyday so the Car situation may get a little hectic. Going to Work w/out a car, yah thats gonna be nerve wracking. & Working whle my Parents are out of Town, that freaks me outtttt!

I ended it with my bf Today, was it the right thing? I Think..... But i'm not sure, I had an idea of how things could be, but I dont know if they would have worked out that way, maybe I need time to get me straight & I'm just gonna have to Believe if its meant to be it will be.. But me being with Him and talking to other guys, Looking 4 other guy's, I even went out on a date with another guy, THAT IS NOT ME! I have never ever ever ever been that person who Thougth any of that was okay & If im not sure and I'm Looking else where I cant be with Him. I cant be with someone bc it's easy or bc I Think thats who I'm supposed too be w/.! & then this other guy, my past Love, I can't date him, I cant talk to him like i do and be all lovey with him, bc He is with another girl, weather He is happy or not, He is with Her.. I was the other women once and I felt like crap for doing it because I have been cheated on & again this isn't me. This is not the person I am or ever want to be.!!!!! He's a jerk anyway's, told me He was fighting some guys last night bc they were gonna jump His Cousin, that's y he Didn't answer my texts or call's.. He also said he went to the Police Station and then straight to work so He didn't have time to call me, stupid me believed his cute little apology but then He did the same crap Tonight, no call back and no texts! Whatever. I gotta get me straight, bc thats not the kind of relationship thats gonna go anywhere or make me happy.

Well I have to get up and take my Mum to work, Im not a Morning Person & I also have to take Her for Blood Work. I feel bad bc since I dont know how long I'll have to be @ Work 2morrow, She has to stay at Work during Her Lunch Break. Hopefully it all works out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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DATE: Aug 28 2011, 6:44 pm / MOOD: Okay

Boooored.. So I figured I'm gonna write some of my Dream's, What I want for my Future: = )

• Start Working & Hopefully enjoy it, work hard..
• Start gaining my confidence back, with myself, inside & outside.... Which also means getting a control of my anxiety & Hopefully beating it!!!!
• I Think I know who I am and what I want, but really figuring that out.
• HOPEFULLY finding Mr. Right, I have been talking to an ex, who I fell in Love just by talking too, He makes me Laugh, He has these moments where He is sweet as can be, He trusted me and told me things that He never told anyone, I can talk to Him for hours.. Buttttttt, He has a girlfriend, well technically, He lives with Her bc He cant save his $ and hasnt moved out. He say's He sleeps on the Couch & is tired of the drama and the bull sh*t games, and really wants to be happy in Love. We had drama w/ this b4 and Him not being so honest, So I dont know how things are gonna go, but He really has my Heart..
• Starting online school, after I pay back my debt that I owe to a school, for social work.
• Having $$$$ for a car, new clothes, join a gym, nice new hair do & highlights, new shoes, new purses,nails, tanning, anything haha, etc.... = )!
• I may go back to my Therapist just to talk about things, getting more of my Life, Independent Life, back on track.
• Making new friends, so I can have a social life!
• Mending my relationships, with my Family.
• Being Happy.
• Moving out, Apartment w/ someone or myself.
• Getting Married.
• Having Babies & being a Great Mommy = )!

PRAYING All the time they come true & Hoping Ill be Happy with a good Life. I dont want the ghetto lifestyle either haha! Anxiety seems to be the biggest thing standing in my way. Maybe its myself, idk...!!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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DATE: Aug 27 2011, 10:03 pm / MOOD: Bored

Soo, went with my Aunt Yesterday to get the Baby & take Him back to Her House, and wait for some of the Family to come over to sing Happy Birthday To My Gram.! They Baby is so funny, He tries to say words here and there, but its usually just mumble baby talk, but His new Favirote word is "NOOO" lol. He usually Laughs and get a kick out of it when He Says it to.! He favor's my Aunt bc She is Gramma and caters to every whine & wimper, and spoils Him very much = ), its annoying, but She Loves Her GrandBaby lol. & She has been there for me w/ my anxiety. We had a nice time though... My Brother & Sister bought my Parents a gift card for the movies and for a Resturant, but they signed my name to the card, so Im gonna owe them $$$$, Im sure my Parents know, but it was nice of them not to leave me out.

I got a call from the place I went to interview, and was offered the job! I felt like it was a pretty big deal bc, it seems, to me atleast, like a good job. But the thing is my Brother's Car isnt working right now and may not pass inspection and He has to get to School, so what am I gonna do?? A Bus goes there, but taking a Bus would put my anxiety on HIGH, but it costs money to take a bus, and I gotta walk a couple blocks in my dress clothes and shoes, for a Bus that maybe on time and may not be. Its frustrating! My Sister said Congrats but Idk whats even gonna happen, atleast She said it tho. It could be a great opprtunity for me.. Am I scared if things do work out & I do start a new job there?? YESSSSSS! Terrified, but I can make my Life soo much better, im trying VERY hard to Believe that!!!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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DATE: Aug 25 2011, 11:12 pm / MOOD: Okay

So Today was a better Day..... I Woke up super late, maybe bc the Storms woke me up super early! But I didn't even try to go to Sleep until 3 or 4 A.M., Idk why I stay up so late, but Night time is my time... I don't know, I know its bad..

But anyway's, I went to the store with my Mum, we had to get my Grandma a present, Today is Her Bday (the 26th), as well as my Cousin's Bday and my Parents Anniversary! We are having cake & ice cream @ my Aunt's. Im going w/ Her to pick up the Baby from daycare, which is scaring me...! I dont want to panic or have anxiety, I go over in my Mind going to get Him, like the car ride there and then back to my Aunts, where my Mum and everyone will come. PRAY that everything works out and I am okay.. But I went with my Friend Today after I went with my Mum, and my Mum gave in & paid my phone bill, as well as said I maybe getting on their phone plan for my Bday, which would be great bc I HAAATEEE the pay as you go crap!!!! But me and my friend Erika, who doesnt know all that much about me having anxiety, went to the Carni., I had to let Her Drive, so I didnt have my car for my "escape" even though the Carnival was a couple blocks away. But it ended up being a good time, We walked around, played some games, went to the Flea Market, I have known Her since Elementary school and no matter how much time passes, We can just pick up our Friendship where we left off. Its good & I can talk to Her about things im stressing about, like the guy drama! She really doesnt want me to settle.!! Then We went to Her Parent's House bc I wanted to See Her Sister's Daughter, they werent there so we went to Caribou and ended up meeting them up there.. Super cute! Little twinge of anixety but tried to put it out of my Mind & I did end up having a nice time = )!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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DATE: Aug 24 2011, 10:10 pm / MOOD: Tired

Yupp, im tired again.. I Think its bc I stay up so late and then Sleep super late, and that doesnt do good for me or my Mums mood.! I have been sorta miserable Today, just feeling ehh really.. I was tired and down, I dont know why. I mean I do, bc of how I Live my Life, but id why I just got in that mood. I was supposed to go to the Carnival w/ my Friend Erika and I was Looking forward to it, bc We also go to the Flea Market, but I ended up telling Her I Think its supposed to Rain 2Night, can We go 2morrow, but its supposed to actually storm 2morrow. I dont know why I didnt want to go. But I guess its bc sometimes, when Im Feeling extra anxious & I go out, sometimes I See things from the corner of my eye and they aren't there, or I See a garbage can or something up ahead and Think its a person when it's not. Ppl have told me that its normal, but I Think since I have anxiety and am terrified of going crazy, I am on very high alert and tricking myself into it happening.. If that makes sense. Does that happen to anyoe else???? It just freaks me out even though I know anxiety plays tricks on ur mind = /, doesnt really make me feel better, just more anxious and more depressed.!

& then there is my boyfriend, He is a good, sweet guy. He went out & bought a web cam Today bc I asked Him too. I Think He would really do anything for me, but there is like sparks kind of attraction. But I dont want to break up w/ Him, A. Bc I dont want to hurt Him. B. Bc I'm not sure its the right thing to do bc we both Want the same things in the Future. So its really got me confused and really getting to me. Like we really dont even See each other & its bc of me! I dont ever really want to See him & I dont know why!!!!!!!!! Ugh I am just so stressed & its just so dumb I cant make a damn decision!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & Have no one to really talk to!!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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DATE: Aug 23 2011, 9:51 pm / MOOD: Sleepy

My mood always seems to be sleepy or tired.. Mabye its bc I type @ Night, but Idk, I just seem to always be these Days.! I went for my Drug test Today, but I was really nervous about it bc it was right after we had those earthquake after shocks. I was sitting against my wall on the computer and I felt my back vibrating or shaking, it felt weird, but I kinda Thought it was just bc We have ppl working on our roof, and I Remember Thinking that's not good, our walls must be unsteady lol. Then everyone started posting on Facebook about the Earthquake. It was pretty scarey!! & then the post's started about the World coming to an end, and this is just another sign. That freaked me out even worse! Why would I want to leave my House and go somewhere, by myself after that? I really didn't! My chest started to get tight and I had chest pains, Thought I was gonna have a Heart Attack! I told my Mum, but She just gets mad about it, and gets mad when I say the things that are bothering me.. I guess after all this time anyone would be a little annoyed or fed up, but some reason it Helps me Feel a little better when I tell someone and especially my Mum, Idk why bc it makes Her the most mad! I know my Mum doesnt need the added stress, but She has been the one who always knew what was going on with me with anxiety and never was easy on me about it & I guess I sorta Looked at that as a good thing/comforting.. I dont know why, but I guess if She didnt ask me, are you okay, then She wasnt giving into my anxiety like I was. I made it thru okay tho = )! & Hopefully that Earthquake thing wont happen again and the end of the World talk will stop!!

So, I have been feeling super guilty about Looking around while Im still w/ D.J., but I havent broke up with Him bc I am so back and forth about it!! One minute, He's not what I want & the next minute I want to try with Him bc I Think there could be something really great with us. Ugh!! Its bothering me sooooo bad!! But this Saturday, We are gonna go to the Carnival by my House, scarey enough even tho its like 3 blocks away, but to top it off, I told Him we should take His Daughter, She is 5 or 6, but in order to do that I have to meet Her Mom! She is a Year younger then me, know her from School, never really talked or anything so I guess I know of Her more then actually know Her.! But thats a huuugeeee thing to meet Her Mom, I never even met Her. Idk why She wants too meet me, I mean I do know why, but She never introduced Her BF.. Idk, we will See what happens I guess. Im nervous just to meet His Daughter, So I guess I have to figure things out b4 Saturday.

Friday I am supposed to go with my Aunt to get the Baby and then go back to Her House for my Gram's Bday Cake, its also my Cousin's Birthday and my Parent's Anniversary, 27th! I can't Believe that have been Married that long!! Time goes by so fast, but thats a great kind of Love, even thru the stress and the fights!! I dont have money to get them a gift and that makes me feel awful! My Brother & Sister are probably gonna get them a giftcard to go out to Dinner and sign my name, told them not to tho. So idk. & I Think my Parents are gonna go away, next Weekend, Idk if they will Drive or take a Plane, having my Parents far away, uh huh pretty terrifying!! Not as bad as it once was, but its up there!

I guess we will see JUST PRAY THAT I HAVE STRENGTH TO BEAT THE ANXIETY AND IT ALL GOES GOOD = )!!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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