Anxiety

DATE: Oct 02 2008, 8:28 am / MOOD: Lonely

arrrrghhh everything is so stupid and depressing when the anxiety kicks in again. To be honest I just really can't be arsed with anything, and I don't see the point anymore.

So my mum is away again for like 4 nights. I've already done 2 nights without her. By the way, this'll make a hell of a lot more sense if you've read my last blog from like June or something.

So I get really anxious and nervous and stuff when my mum's away overnight. Even though I'm 18 I feel like a 6 year old or something, getting so worked up just because my mum's not around. Thing is, I'm so dependent on her when I go through anxious phases. It's like she's the only one who can calm me down if I'm panicky, or make me feel better about anything. Though that second part isn't true, a lot of people can make me feel better if i have a problem. But I think the problem is that I tell myself i won't be ok without her, and even though just simply the sound of her voice can calm me down, I think if i maybe managed to think positive thoughts, i might actually be just as fine while she's gone. If that makes sense.

Moving on...anxiety sucks. I don't get why it has to exist. It's like...will life ever be back to normal? Or are we all just victims of this big fat sh*te and we just have to live with it? I don't get it...why us? It's such a huge thing in my life now. It doesn't deserve to be. But I can't exactly say 'oh, what the hell, I'm bored of you, go away now.' Well i can, but it wouldn't (go away).

I think I actually started writing this blog with something else in mind though...

I can't concentrate on ANYTHING. It's not that I'm anxious, but I just CAN'T relax at all. Not while my mum isn't here. Like I'm constantly just feeling like I need to worry, even if I know there's nothing to worry about. So I've got an assignment due in two days ago and I just can't do it at the moment. I've been told by a counsellor that I need to relax fully for a while before I start to do anything, like work etc. But I can't make myself relax at the moment. I feel guilty if I do, because I know that I should be working, or getting on with doing something at least. It's like I feel I don't deserve to relax at all. And I keep thinking to myself, maybe if i push myself hard enough, maybe i could have done this assignment already, i'm not trying hard enough. :'(

It's really hard, a lot of the time I just want to give up. I can't, of course, so I just try and get on with it.

I just want to know why we're all victims of this crappy demon that takes over half of our bloody lives.

So yeh, that's how I'm feeling today. Woop de doop!

 

 

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DATE: Jun 25 2008, 1:10 pm / MOOD: Anxious

I doubt anyone will really get this as everyone on here seems to be at least 5 years older than me... :'(

Since all my anxiety returned in the past few months I've started to get more and more dependant and scared of leaving my mum like i was when i was 11, when all the anxiety problems first started. But it's my sisters University graduation tomorrow, in Durham, about 4 hours drive away. So my mum is going up for that early tomorrow morning and coming back the day after. I really want to be able to just stay here and be ok with just my other sister and boyfriend. But my anxiety can be so severe, and i think i depend on my mum mostly because she seems to be the only person who can calm me down when i'm panicking. I don't know what to do, I'm 17, nearly 18, and can't rely on her forever. I mean, i already worry about her death and she's only 50. I keep thinking maybe i should just go with her these 2 days but there are other problems with that as well - it's my driving test next week and Friday was supposed to be my last lesson before it. If i go to Durham obviously i'll have to miss that. I'm even a little anxious about going to Durham if i do decide to, because i'll have to stay alone about a mile away from the place my mum is staying. It would be at the top of a block of flats in my sisters room, she's staying in a different place with my mum for graduation. So either way i'll be anxious, but far less so in Durham. Anyways yeh i'm just blabbing on, I'm really scared.

I just want to be able to be independant and be alright on my own. This time last year I could have easily stayed a month or however long on my own, my mum being wherever in the country or even in a different country. 

 Maybe i should just try and stay here with my boyfriend, I've got things to distract me but that might not help. Night-times are especially bad, i begin to get anxious when it gets dark and if i feel remotely sick or anything i have huge anxiety because i have a phobia of being sick or anything to do with it. It's horrendous and can be so scary.

I still don't really feel like i've got it all out but ho hum. I don't know what to do. I don't think anyone'll read this anyway, i'm pretty much just yabbering. arghhh and people i know my age are going away to Greece with loads of friends. I really thought i'd be able to do that :'(

So i know i've probably bored everyone to death now...but if anyone has ANY advice or a story about a miracle curing anxiety, along those lines, that would be great! I'd very much appreciate it. Or even if you don't...

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DATE: Mar 22 2008, 8:42 am / MOOD: Anxious

It's my boyfriend's annual St Patrick's Day house party tonight and I'm really nervous. Not even sure why because it was really fun last year but I'm dreading it :( I think I'm just scared of being scared. As well as being around so many people and feeling claustrophobic :'(

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