Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Jun 20 2012, 6:26 pm / MOOD: Disappointed

Alright i turn 19 in four days, i should have 90 dollars to spend, and i find out tomorrow if i will, and sense ill have money i wanna do something fun.

but i still have this big anxiety problem, so like idk whats fun to do.

i was thinking dave a busters, or blue fussion buttt...

for some reason i really hate being around grown ups and teens but im really okay in a room full of little kids, like there a little annoying sometimes but doesnt make me anxious so like chucky cheese is the shiz went there when i was 16 but my bf is a sex offender and he cant go ot chucky cheese.

and i feel like if we go to one of the bar places there will be drunk people and it will be loud and there will be to many people.

so maybe a nice dinner and the drive in?

but thats not really that special, i really havent done anything cool on my birthday in the longeest time

once my grandma took me to utah for a week for my birthday and idk i just wanna do something really fun.

Any idea's?

:/ thanks..

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DATE: Jun 09 2012, 11:39 am / MOOD: Other

Feel free to watch my daily vlog videos c:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4wtIx0xdPc&list=HL1339258935&feature=mh_lolz

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DATE: Jun 02 2012, 11:34 am / MOOD: Other

im gonna start videos on youtube, if you want you can subscribe and watch them c:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gtZH6L1hF0

my first video about anxiety c:

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DATE: May 27 2012, 9:42 pm / MOOD: Content

so i cant handle working because of my anxiety i have been on so many meds this past yr its not even funny, right now its been about 2 weeks on this new one its called depakote, it makes me feel awake, so i have to take a sleeping pill at night.

i guess it helps, but i havent really put myself in any extra situations for my anxiety to take over, like going some place alone or anything along those lines. my doctors office is an hour away i cant make the ride alone, but i can handle kind of handle the waiting for a little bit, but when theres more then five people and people get close to me i just get so anxious dieing for the doctor to call my name to come back and sit in the room and talk about my meds, which i hate doing. but anyways.

so like i was saying in the title i want to work, ive tried before and its just to much, way to much i cant handle it at all! so im looking for work at home, surveys? fail. maybe i could make jewlery? epic fail. so i dont really know what im gonna do but i want to work so badly! but i cant :/ and itd be amazing if i could work from home!

but theres sooo many scams online that i dont even know where to start on whats real or not. like ughh idk i just want to work! i cant stand waking up every day and not having a purpose. and not having money. i love spending money, and id like to spend my own money and not someone elses.

i applied for ssi and they denied me, everyones saying to apply again, so i might but i dont really see the point, i guess everyone gets denied the first time for some reason which makes no sense.

but anyways, me and my fiance are doing great! hes 20 miles away for the time being and hes coming to stay tomorrow <3 i cant wait til hes working again and can come with with me.

i live in my great grandmas house because i used to take care of her for money, and she had a stroke and is in the home for good and my grandma didnt want me to have to move back in with my mom so im living down here all alone, it sucks i really enjoy having friends stay for weeks at a time and having my fiance come stay but i have like no food and stuff and it sucks i hate asking people for money i usually just go over to my moms to eat.

i hate having this anxiety though, like id kill to work, a normal job, my dream job was owning my own bakery and being on the food channel, epic fail there i couldnt even handle college.

college was almost a yr ago, and thats when i got my anxiety, idk why though or where it came from but i got to go down to kentucky for school and i was exicted and i got there and by the third day i had a break down and got to go home. and sense september of last yr ive had anxiety disorder, really bad! :/ i wish itd go away just as fast as it came :"/

i worked before college, and i haventbeen able to sense :(

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DATE: May 01 2012, 3:17 pm / MOOD: Angry

okay so i went to see my grandma in the home today with my mom shes like you should i apply here, im like NO. shes like fine give up. im like yeah mom i f@cking giving up. thats it i dont have anxierty im a f@cking quiter. and shes like i never said that its just like you never even try to go to the job, YEAH MOM CAUSE OF MY ANXIETY. yeah well you need to face it. UGHHH! NO THATS f@ckING NOT IT I f@ckING CANT GOSH DANGIT! mom, why wont you get on a plane? cause i dont like planes, excatly there you go thats why i cant go to work! You cant go to work cause you dont like it? NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT! your f@cking scared to ride a f@cking plane, and im saying that because of my gosh dang anxiety i cant have a job. then my mom just keeps inturtping me and telling me to shut up and that she dont want to here it. i said im just trying to explain it to you. and she said yeah well stop cause thats f@cking reason i left your dad. GOSHHHH! what the hell do i do? i legit can not go to work because of this f@cking anxiety, and no one around me understands! ALL I KEEP GETTTING IS WHY DONT YOU JUST GO!?

well why dont you just go do what your scared of, well how can you be scared to work? I DONT KNOW! i have anxiety and i cant f@cking explain it to you!!!!!!!!!!!!

its like there from another planet!

HELP :(

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DATE: Apr 30 2012, 3:56 am / MOOD: Mellow

an old friend recently got hold of me about2 hours ago and i just cant bring myself to telling himgood night. hoping he gets tired soon cause im not feeling so good. also found out one of my facebookfriends has anxiety just like me and lives in the town over we used to talk but we deffintaly talk more now. im just so sleepless i feel like even if he gets tired and goes to bed i will still beawake. tomorrow will be along tired day. i was hoping to take a mental health day and get my meds changed around but might make appointments for later in the week :P gahh. anxiety ihate you sometimes but i love the moments like these where im just meet, im like just perfect, not athing in mymind fresh out the shower and so calm laying inbed on my laptop listening to music. the world is at peace tonight just for me :D

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DATE: Apr 29 2012, 10:45 pm / MOOD: Anxious

okay so i had a job i could of went to today to fill the final paper work out for today at 2. that easily just go to f@cking pizza hut walk in fill out some papers talk nice and take a test, a test i no all the answer for, paper work i no how to fill out and i have all the information for. a pizza hut ive been to servel tmes, with a manger ive already met once and loved me. shoe in for the job not one bad thing about it, FOR A NORMAL PERSON! gahhhhh! wtf! how do i explain to my facebook friends and family (because i have no friends) that i didnt go because of my anxiety, all i get is some bulsh*t, like right now. i havent had any money for 16 days now, i txted my cousin and we are decently close if she needs something im there in like 2.2 but of course when i need something shes stupid. im like gahh id kill for a pop, she says go buy one (txting of course) and im like yeah with what money, she says you need to go to that job overcome your fear, and i said ever had the flu? where your so sick you cant even get out of bed even if someone paid you? well imagine feeling like that just over a job. welcome to crazy and she said eww. she doesnt understand AT ALL! she expects me to just GO, just get up, get f@cking ready and drive my happy ass there and f@cking get the damn job. and goodness freaking grashus thats all i freaking want! i want to get up and go. I WANT TO SO BAD! but i cant. IT KILLS ME that i cant. KILLS ME. brings me to tears i cant be normal! and not one person gets it. NOT ONE! im stuck in a town full of stupid people, facebook full of stupid people, a family full of stupid people. HOW DO I EXPLAIN IT, just for them to get the slightlest glimpse of what i go thru out of no where for no reason 24/7 365 days a year!!!! D":

i get sooo mad that i cant explain this to people around me, i show the medical sites i show the youtube videos, peices from books, i explain it as random moments of fear, and EVERY TIME no matter how i try to explain it or anything i get something like yeah i understand you scared, just face your fears why cant you just do it anyways?

SOMEONE PLEASE, answer for me, why we cant just do it anyways? i legit feel like my entire body is just going to shut down if i have anymore anxiety attacks :(

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DATE: Apr 29 2012, 6:51 pm / MOOD: Tired

Just found this today, pretty excited that i found it! my anxiety is the worst, and none of my family understands and i dont really have friends i have a few boys i talk to and i have 2 girls i hang out with very rarely (Bethany & Emily) then of course I have trevor, but he still has 20 more days til he will be back from "vacation". (if you'd like to private message me i can define vacation for you c: just dont wanna post it all over the place) About a week ago i got a call for a job at a local pizza hut, i was so excited. I just stressed and stressed over everything little thing, what am i gonna wear what am i gonna say what body spray will i use what make up what colors how will i do my hair what time will i leave how long will it last will i have enough time to get there will i be able to find it will i no the interview person will it be a boy or a girl what if they dont like me what if i say something wrong what if i do something wrong what if they dont like my hair or my clothes or i smell bad or what if theres something in my teeth or on my face what if i fall before i get inside and hurt my ankle and never make it what if i fall inside and get embaresed. GAHHHH! just running thru my head like crazy nonsense, i hate the anxiety. have a veryyy long few days i wake up get ready calm myself make sure im set breath and prepare. i give myself about an hour. i play my favorite music on the way so that i will be relaxed, by the time i get there im stoked. i get inside and some how i rock the interview. i get a 100 on the qualifaction and he says he will give me a call. well i got my call to come in and do the final paper work. at the moment i legit scream from excitment ive always wanted to work there the food industry is for me, i will shine so ready for this just yayy i can not wait. a few days pass and its down to three days til i go in for the paper work and it kicks in, you cant do this, whatre you getting yourself into whats going to happen you can not do this you suck this isnt even possible your making a huge mistake your gonna get there and pass out your not okay you can not go. you have to stay home you just can not go to fill these papers out your gonna have to work and then pay bills then put gas in a car til you get a car then car insurance then this then that then this and that and this it just kept going and i was drownding in it. so my friend bethany came over to distract me from everything. then she leaves the night before. and it all goes down hill. head ache worst stomach pains ever legit feels like im coming down with the flue nausa and everything. cant sleep, finally pass out, dog wakes me up at 5am can go back to sleep anxiety just keeps rushing thru my head still feeling sick dont even want to get out of bed if you paid me. then its today, its about idk 8 i lay in bed until 930, then 10 then 1015 and i dont have to be there til 2 but yet im laying here drownding in this anxiety attack there is just something inside of me destroying every last bit of hope i have left until i just cry. then i get up and let my dogs out and back in. i go to the bathroom because i swear im really about to puke by now its about 11. i go to my favorite chair with my favorite stuffed bear and i sit and tell myself your fine you can do this breath find your happy place and get ready. no luck. so then i come up with a hole lie to tell the manager and to reschudle cause who nos another day i may be crazy stronger or something and there wont be as much anxiety i no this isnt true but rather put it off. so i end up calling and telling my lie to reschulde they say okay, and never call me back. but 4 im crying because i lost my chance. so then i was on youtube trying to find anyone who could releate. because all i was getting from my fam and facebook friends was what the heck you didnt even go in you never even started whats wrong, "my anxiety you guys" well just ignore it and go why would you pass this up. HELLO I CANT CONTROL THIS ANXIETY. sure you can you just have to want to is what my mom and grandma tell me, you have no idea how badly i wanted to go :( so now its 730 and ive found this page. im hoping it will help me. i dont even no where to go from here. i worked at a family resturant for a year and was fine i quit to go to college and then i got there and had an emotional break down and had to come home. so i lost my car buy college stuff and i lost my job for college. then i lost college because of my anxiety. i lost my dream of being a chef to my anxiety disorder. so that was september its now april and ive had one job sense then and my mom had to drag me there by my arm balling my eyes out begging her not to like a small child. i got there and lasted 3 hours and HAD to leave. got in so much trouble for losing that job i didnt even want to lose it it was a factory job and it was soooo easy for 10 bucks an hour. and i lost it. and now this. and i lost college. and trevors and vaction. and me and my mother fight so sense january ive been a live in with my great grandma and i get paid 300 a week for watching her 24/7 with saturday off from noon to 7. i was fine no anxiety just peachy. then not to long ago my mom got taken to the mental hospital my 6 month old little sister got moved clear to toledo and my great grandma had a stroke. which left me litterally home alone. my mom lives beside my grandma so its no big deal to walk over and see her and my little sister zoe but everyone was gone for 14 days. i was not ok. i had to have emily stay then bethany stayed then finally momand zoeare back and the hole pizza hut thing happens. and i just hate life. and my entire fam doesnt understand my mom hates that i came back from college, she always says im a failure and i let her down and its mind over matter. same with my grandma :( trevor is the only one that half way understands me. he wants to get married when he gets back from vacation. but gahh i cant be married if i cant even work. i ponder SSI for my anxiety but the thing is I WANT TO WORK! but i cant :( and NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.

:( HELP! :(

ADVICEEE!

please....

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(ps. sorry i kind of just kept on typing and typing)

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