Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Jan 28 2009, 3:08 am / MOOD: Angry

Looks like the tribe is losing more and more chatters every day.

 

I was one of those chatters who got pushed out by 'insensitve' people.  People who think they're 'victims' now were part of the group demeaning me.

 

Some people have so much gall it just makes me wanna throw up.

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DATE: Nov 01 2008, 12:44 pm / MOOD: Disappointed

I don't come to this site as often as I used to.  I still keep in touch with the people who made me feel very welcome when I first arrived.  Despite some of them having gone through the most apalling ordeals, they were kind, supportive and gave me a lot of encouragement through blog comments and cheering messages.

I have noticed recently that a lot of people don't go to the chat room anymore.  A group of individuals in the chat room think it's entertaining to belittle, insult and make other chatters feel in general small and intimidated.

Perhaps these individuals have forgotten what this site is for.  It's about fear and sadness - those who feel the need to perpetuate those emotions are clearly in need of a gang around them to feel big.  They should remember that by ostracising others they are doing exactly what they hope someone won't do to them.

Let's face it, gangs are for children.  Last time I looked this site was for adults so maybe they should start behaving like them.

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DATE: Sep 15 2008, 5:31 pm / MOOD: Sad

I used to see other bloggers rant about this kind of stuff and think 'oh dear, another one lost it in the chatroom'.

Now I'm doing exactly the same thing.  I joined this site because I get anxious and suffer from depression.  I can take a joke as well as the next person but when another 'chatter' starts going on an on and making stuff personal it gets to be too much.  Too add insult to injury they start making out like they're the one being victimised.

I guess everything runs it's course and this has done exactly that.  I used to feel like I was part of something.  Now this chatter has succeeded in alienating me against people who feel alienated all the time.  They must be feeling really good about themselves.

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DATE: Aug 27 2008, 5:26 pm / MOOD: Other

Actually, I just need to get stuff off my chest.  I got a dentist's bill for £1500 for one tooth yesterday.  One fracking tooth!  I'll be paying it off for the next year.

My bosses are assholes and I want to leave.  I'm starting teaching an exam course on Monday and it would seem wrong to resign in the middle of the course.  However, my bosses are only looking out for themselves, why shouldn't I?

I'm panicking about my work load and my responsibility to students.  I'm panicking about everything.  I'm like the 50 ft panicking woman.

That's all I want to say.

 

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DATE: Aug 15 2008, 8:55 am / MOOD: Frustrated

When I first started teaching 4 years ago, I thought I'd found my Nirvana.  They were exciting times and I had the most fantastic team around me: lots of support and like-minded people.

 Inside 2 years it all turned to crap.  New management, colleagues fired (for no valid reason I could see) or muscled out with bullying.  The latter was the worst: that professional adults (supposedly) could be so petty and mean as to drive someone out of a job was galling.

No-one cares about the students, it's all about the money.  The teachers are treated with disdain and our methods constantly questioned by unqualified 'management' whose own ineptitude defies the laws of stupidity.

What depresses me is that I know I'm not alone in this situation, or that it isn't restricted to the teaching profession.  There are millions of people who work their asses off for next to no money, do not get pay rises (I myself haven't had one in 4 years) and have to watch complete morons swan around in management.  We all ask ourselves how these people got to where they are and are left still wondering.

 In times like these, I think of Karma.  Or in layman's terms:

What goes around comes around and they will get theirs.

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DATE: Jul 11 2008, 6:12 pm / MOOD: Tired

I remember how I felt the first time I taught an English class.  I was literally walking on air, it was so exiliarating.

I knew pretty soon that I had found my vocation.  When I was asked to write a letter explaining my reasons for wanting to teach before a teaching course, the words fair flew out of the pen - nothing had ever felt so right.

Even in my darkest hours of depression, I could teach and forget everything, it was remarkable and probably what kept me sane at that time.

I teach English to Swiss adults and for the first time since I've started teaching, one of my students said she wasn't motivated.  I took it really hard and have been asking myself where I went wrong.

 The reality is that this student works a 10-hour day and then comes to me for 2 hours.  She's exhausted and not a lot is going to go in at that point.

But when I started to think about all my other students, I felt like none of them had really progressed.  I've begun to question my ability and whether it is even possible to teach a foreign language abroad.  When people ask me these days which the most effective way is to learn a language I tell them to go to an English-speaking country - nothing works faster or better.

 My experience with English schools abroad is not good.  The quality of learning is poor but the cost is high.  Students learn most effectively when they interact - groups can play games and the learning becomes more fun. 

I've been essentially teaching individual students half of my career.  It's limiting (very little interaction or possibilities with games) and it's intensive which is exhausting for the teacher.

This is the longest job I've ever had but I'm beginning to dislike going to work and really need a break.  I'm hoping a break is all I need...!

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DATE: Jun 13 2008, 1:03 pm / MOOD: Disappointed

I've been overthinking stuff again and I've now wound myself up so much I can't stop crying. 

 I had to go to a wedding today.  It should have been a happy occasion but this is the first time I would rather have picked my eyeballs out with a spoon than go.

The people getting married today were our 'witnesses' at our wedding last year.  Although I wanted a friend from London, I was talked into taking a couple and so we chose my husband's best friend and his girfriend as they were good friends of ours.

When they decided to get married, they didn't tell me.  I had to find out 6 months down the line that my husband was a witness (although it seems my husband did tell me but I don't remember).  At the wedding today, we found out that they had both had hen and stag nights but we hadn't been invited.

It has been really hard for me to make friends and this has been one kick in the stomach after another.  What also galls me is that I decided against my best friend in London for this selfish bitch at my own wedding.

 Friends let you down - it happens, but it never bothered me like it does now.  I guess because I don't have many friends, I value those friendships more than most.  Even the friends I have in London mean more to me than I do to them.  It's understandable: I'm not there.  But even they didn't remember my birthday and that really hurt too.

 Icing on the cake: those f*cks are doing a church ceremony in two weeks and I've got to sit at the same table as them.  I think I'll blow chunks over the table during the groom's speech...

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DATE: Jun 03 2008, 9:59 am / MOOD: Frustrated

I still can't stop shaking and I can't believe what I just did.

All trains and public waiting areas here are non-smoking.  Last year I was coming home on the train and some teenagers started smoking.  Someone tried to get them to stop but they just gave a load of attitude and it almost ended in a fight.

This afternoon I decided to wait in the waiting room for the train.  There were 3 sorry-looking teenagers and a businessman.  As soon as the sorriest-looking teenager lit up, the businessman politely asked him to smoke outside whereby he was verbally assaulted with a stream of rather unimaginative yet rather insulting invective.

The businessman shut up while the teenager continued to insult and talk rubbish.  Eventually I stood up and said to the businessman 'don't waste your time, let them die of cancer, they deserve it'.

His insults were now directed at me but were so lame that I told him to **** himself and gave him the finger.

Where did this come from?  How could I wish cancer on anyone???  My own father had cancer and I myself am a prime candidate.  I can't believe I wished cancer on someone - it was an awful thing to say!

What do we do in these situations?  I'm always the one with my head down wishing I could say something.  Now I've got to pray I don't bump into these losers in a dark alley. 

Should we stand up to these people or say nothing?

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DATE: May 27 2008, 2:34 pm / MOOD: Other

So I was really looking forward to getting back to England for a few days and hanging out with the 'homegirls'.

 My husband understands that I'm lonely here in Switzerland and haven't been able to forge friendships like the ones I have in the UK.  I asked him if it would be alright for me to go for a few days and he was like 'have a good time and bring me some marmite!'

Not so long ago I was considering (for the first time in 8 years) what it would be like to live in the UK again.  After this weekend, I know I'm better off where I am.

 My best friend was, essentially, drunk all weekend.  Actually, none of the family (except the brother who's done a stint in rehab and is now rarely to be seen) appeared without a drink in hand the whole time I was there.

My best friend has ceased to work and, indeed, to function.  When I came downstairs on Sunday morning, she was on the sofa bed with a duvet full of spilled yoghurt (the other half smeared all over the dog) and a drink still in hand.

I asked her what she wanted me to do.  Did she want me to say nothing and go home or be a friend and tell her I was concerned?  I told her I couldn't sit there and say nothing.  I told her if I'd had more time, I would have dragged her ass to an AA meeting.

Now that I'm home, I'm full of mixed emotions.  I'm sad because I know she's got a lot to be depressed about.  I feel useless because I know she has to do this herself.  I feel angry because she's so pathetic and she can't see the good things she does have.  People won't like me saying that but unfortunately, it's the truth.

What I have learned is how people must have viewed me over the last years.  The reality is that depression is a true evil that slowly devours from within - it can destroy people in different ways and the people who have to watch.

What also frightened me was the levels of alcohol being consumed on a 'normal' weekend.  Binge-drinking used to be something of a rarity now it's a regular occurence.  Let's not forget there's safety in numbers.  Drinking alone is no fun.  But would anyone consider drinking those quantities in a room full of teetotallers?  I don't think so.

 Any form of enhancer (be it alcohol, cigarettes or drugs) is a crutch.  If we rely on crutches to get us through life, we just become weaker, not stronger.  If the human race is to survive, it needs to learn to get through the hard times without them.

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DATE: Apr 30 2008, 6:56 pm / MOOD: Anxious

If anyone has heard from sunstar will they let me know?  He's disappeared from not only my friends list but also from other friends' lists too. 

This was someone just fighting to survive and I'm really worried.  I'd be grateful for any info anyone has.

 Thanks guys.

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