Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Mar 19 2008, 9:17 pm / MOOD: Full of life

happy today - got back from a fab holiday in LA / San Fran last week, and decided to get my act together with jobs etc.... and got offered a 6 month contract today!!  Start Tuesday!!

 I can finally stick 2 fingers up (metaphorically of course!) at my old employers!!!  I'm in employment before they found my replacement!!!!  Serves them right for being sh!te at being managers!!!

And as its initially a 6 month contract - if it goes pear shaped, then it doesn't affect my CV adversely because I can explain I was only taken on for 6 months (which I will complete!)

Lots of exclamation marks in this blog.... but I'm just feeling reckless like that lol!!!!!!!

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DATE: Feb 08 2008, 3:24 pm / MOOD: Other

I'm going through a lot at the moment.  Maybe this blog won't be as long as I predict, but maybe writing it all down will help me sort out all of my thoughts.  My life has been up and down for quite a long time.  To save you reading the other blogs (!), I had loads of work stress which led to anxiety which led to panic attacks which led to work stress which increased the anxiety.... and it was only being signed off work with stress did I realise that something had to change..... So I quit 2 weeks ago.

Its taking me ages to learn to chill out - think I had let it go on for far too long - sleep patterns were up the wall, eating patterns are now OK - but still feel like I lost my personality somewhere along the line.  I am fine with people I know - but haven't got the art of conversation for people I don't know.  I'm not anxious when with strangers - more tired, nothing to talk about, delayed thoughts before I think what to say.  Hope I get my personality back soon!!   

Got 3 things affecting me today. Had an interview this week - seemed like it was a good job - but got the standard letter of rejection today.  I know that more jobs will come along - it'll be OK - but I'd have preferred to be the one who said No - as opposed to being told No.  I would have said Yes - but hey, its now possible to make a positive choice for my future etc....

Second thing - checked my bank balance yesterday - ouch.  I know I should know how much cash I have / don't have, but its always been OK.  I read the numbers yesterday and realised I haven't got a salary coming in next month.  sh*t.....

Finally - I feel so mean writing this.  I'm jealous of one of my best mates!  She is in an awful situation - life has changed the dice and she is coping with sh*t loads.  Just found out she is pregnant.  Won't go into it here as its not my story but she is on her own, no money, no home of her own and having to break the news / sort out her life.  I haven't got any kids - never settled down with the right bloke - and if I was to get pregnant now, I'd be in the same situation.  I'd give anything to swap with her now.  I provided the shoulder for her to cry on for the last couple of days and its been hard.  I feel like life has slipped me by, and whilst I have been stressed over work and building up my life, I've missed all of the opportunities for settling down / having a family.  I've achieved a lot more than many people I know - but so what?  I'm on my own.  And it feels too late to change things around.  I don't even know what to write next.  I was so scared of committment that I never committed.  I feel like I haven't let myself live my life and enjoy it.  I never realised that I was going to hit 34 years old, and feel jealous of someone who is in the position of being a single parent, with no money or stable housing.  They always say the grass is greener on the other side.........  In case you are wondering - if the shoe was on the other foot and I was the pregnant one and my friend was in my position - I think she'd feel the same.  It feels like an early mid life crisis - the clock is ticking, and the options are running out. 

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DATE: Feb 01 2008, 5:09 pm / MOOD: Other

You ever trusted someone and realised it was misplaced?  God it hurts.  I've been let down by someone I thought I trusted....  I thought I had a better judgement of character than that!

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DATE: Jan 31 2008, 3:56 pm / MOOD: Tired

It started 2 hours after I went to sleep - woke up feeling like I was choking.  Think it was a dream (and probably a reminder to stop the cigs) , but left me a bit shakey for a while.  I had a really good work day yesterday - I sent an email to some external stakeholders saying that my last day is 12th Feb.  I got some lovely replies - my boss certainly never gives positive feedback so it was nice to go out on a high.

Anyway, woke up today, and couldn't face the thought of going into work.  When I resigned with stress - my boss discussed the idea of gardening leave - so today I emailed him and told him that I was accepting it.  Think he had retracted it but I thought f@ck em - the bosses of this company just play games and I need to get myself back on my feet.  Would have expected a reply - but he didnt even manage to do that.  Had text the other director before she started work and she didn't even have the respect to call me, as she had said.

 Felt lousy today - throat still hurting so maybe I'm getting some sort of throat infection (as opposed to choking to death!)  Just really tired (well, I only got 2 hours sleep last night so I guess thats natural).  Became a bit of an emotional wreck - still can't eat. 

Trying to grab a hold back on life - called a counsellor I see when life turns sh*t.  Seeing her tomorrow.  I have got to prepare for a presentation on Monday for a job - I can't even get my head around the question at the moment - I know its stuff I know, but I can't get through the lack of confidence to be able to come up with the answers.  Maybe I need to re-read the nice email responses I got, and remind myself that I worked for a sh*t company - its not that I can't do it. 

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DATE: Jan 29 2008, 9:26 am / MOOD: Sad

I am currently living a nightmare!

 First day back at work today after 20 days off sick - only 2 weeks of a notice period left.  Yesterday, I felt OK - calm, chilled, relaxed.  Even sorting out tax returns was OK.  Went to bed at midnight - and was still awake at 4am - getting stressed, imagining conversations I'd have with colleagues, feeling angry, feeling sad.....  Woke up before the alarm at 6:45am, and was all over the place.  Stressed, shaking, feeling sick / retching.  Got into work for 9am - and thought no, its OK, I can do this.  Felt calm / focussed.

Picked up my tax return again (well, didn't actually fancy doing much work as I am leaving!), and then noticed some information I needed to get.  Ended up going to the bank at lunchtime, getting increasingly wound up - to the point of bursting into tears when speaking to the cashier.  Thank god she was nice!!!  In fact she was fantastic - must remember to take in a box of chocolates as a thankyou.  She got me away from the other customers, got me some water, got the person I needed to speak to on the phone, and talked me through it.  The only explanation I managed to give her was "I'm having a bad day, and this is a final straw!).  I'm crying even as I write this now.  Anyway - got what I needed and then text my boss to say I'm going home. (didn't wait for the answer coz whats he going to do about it?!)

I never knew stress was this bad.  Had anxiety patches in my life, but this feels so different.  I feel like I have lost my personality - I'm known as the laidback, takes everything in my stride, pro-active, don't sweat the small stuff person  I have become someone who is quick to have a go at people, lacks confidence and a bit of a quivering wreck.

On a positive note, I got a phone call when I got home, and have been shortlisted for a job, and going for an interview next Monday.

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DATE: Jan 02 2008, 4:09 am / MOOD: Anxious

Have got loads to get done at work today - and I am having a really bad start to the day - just feel so wound up, and can't think clearly.  All I want to do is go and find somewhere quiet and get some sleep, to try and get this out of my system for a few hours.  I hate the overwhelming tiredness & lethargy that comes with anxiety - particularly when I am in a place where I can't sleep it off!!  OK - breathe in, breathe out - only 7 hours of the working day left.

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