Oct 14 2011, 3:23 am / Tired
I'm not really sure what to say about my anxiety. It comes and it goes, sometimes completely at random. It's not as bad as it used to be by far but that could change one day. I don't fear that day nor do I think of it, I'm merely acknowledging a possibility.
Tonight, my anxiety is keeping me awake. I don't know what's making me anxious, all I know is that I can't sleep. I'm tired - which makes sense, it's after 4:00 in the morning and I've been sick for a week so my body needs its rest - and yet I can't fall asleep. I think it's the fact that I am sick that's keeping me up. This is the second time I've been sick in a matter of weeks. I was far worse this time than I was last time. I suffered almost constant coughing, sore throats, swollen tonsils, a fever, sore ribs, headaches, ear aches, etc. for most of a week. I found that once I'd managed to finally fall asleep, I'd wake up in the middle of the night anxious that I couldn't breathe. I remember laying on my side breathing through my mouth, worrying, "What if I can't breathe because I'm laying down?" I'd start to panic that my heart would stop or breathing would get even harder and I'd sit straight up in bed. This usually alleviated the problem within moments and I'd eventually go back to sleep.
My breathing isn't coming too hard atm but I seem to be bothered, now, by the fact that my throat feels dry. I've tried drinking water repeatedly and the sensation won't go away. I've been feeling tired off and on since about 10:30pm so you'd think getting a good night's rest after the hell I've been through would come relatively easy, especially since my parents are visiting and they brought me cough syrup (which is working wonderfully, btw)...but I suddenly started to panic about 20 minutes ago. I think it was the dry throat that did it and yet, honestly, I don't remember what I was thinking. Whatever it was came very sharply...and then left as quickly as it came.
After writing this entry, I feel better. A little confused given that I can't recall what I was upset about 20 minutes ago...but better. So strange...