Anxiety Self Help

DATE: May 07 2013, 6:27 pm / MOOD: Angry

I couldn't help feeling something was wrong this morning. While my boyfriend was showering, I snooped through his phone. One of the first things I found was messages from her... It went something like:

Her: so your girlfriend doesn't even let you come to class? :p [referring to him skipping yesterday, not because I made him, but because he was catching up on homework]

Him: No, I was doing homework.

Her: oh that sucks, you are missing casablanca succkaaaaa

Him: I'll watch it.

I blew up. I knocked on the door, went inside, asked if he had anything he wanted to tell me, and then said, "You've been talking to her again. We're done." I slammed the door shut and turned on my music with my back to the door.

We've been painfully distant and confused since then. I almost signed up on a dating site again. I'm contemplating applying for jobs that are several hours away, too. When I told him this, he asked if it was fixable. I said, "Probably not." He slammed his skateboard on the ground, scooped it back up, and said, "Okay, I'll just go drop dead then" and started walking away. I broke down crying, grabbed his arm, and kept him from leaving. I don't know what to do now though, I know myself and I'm going to be furious for a long time.

He said he only answered her because it pissed him off that she was being a cunt and calling his manhood into question. But he's never once stood up against her and that pisses ME off. Why not just call her a cunt if that's what he's thinking she is anyways? Why not ignore her altogether? Why answer, not just once, but twice with an explanation?

He has repeatedly insisted that he hasn't cheated, he's just ignorant, and that he's "all in". He paid to block her on his phone but I wish he'd fought for me, actually told her off. I don't know why I feel empty, like she got away with it all, when I still have the guy - don't I?

My temper is off the charts. He's trying so hard to undo it, trying so hard to make me feel better, but all I can feel is anger. It's suffocating me, I'm drowning in it.

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DATE: May 01 2013, 8:37 am / MOOD: Frustrated

Preliminary interview this morning. I'm so frazzled. I had to call the bank, I thought someone had gotten into my account but instead it was a check bouncing. A payment I've been waiting for since September 2012...initially a friend owed me $100 but he gave me a laptop to sell instead. I sold it for $300 but the friend I sold it to just gave me a bad check...

I think the job is a scam so I'm not anticipating much. No other places have gotten back to me unless you count the two other places that were most definitely scams.

My job hasn't paid me my last check yet. So I anticipate having to call them today for both myself and my roommate. I also anticipate a struggle there, too.

Waiting for unemployment to come through, hoping I'm accepted.

Taking puppy to the vet at 11:00 so it's gonna be a rush. He needs his second series of shots and he's been peeing everywhere so I think he has a UTI.

Money is flying out the window and I'm having mood swings out of pure stress.

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DATE: Apr 27 2013, 8:32 am / MOOD: Anxious

I lost my job. So did my roommate. They outsourced our work. No one saw it coming. My roommate is a bit more upset than I am, she's even seriously considering leaving if she can't find work very soon. I, on the other hand, do have backup from my parents - or at least I hope I do - and enough saved to last maybe two months if I don't defer my loans. Longer if I do.

My car died. I killed it. I left the lights on and now it won't start. The tumbler is finally giving in so the trouble is two fold. I think it would start if I could only get the key in properly but that's a whole other issue.

I can't find the info for my roommate's mechanic so I'm sitting here hoping she wakes up sometime before 1:00pm...I want to tow it out of the parking lot it's sitting in as soon as I possibly can.

My Grandmother's car has been down for some time but now I really need to get it started. I need to get the battery in and inflate the tires and then hope it runs correctly. My boyfriend said he'd help me figure it out.

Everything is going to hell in a hand basket. I haven't cried yet though. But I'm terribly nervous. I'd feel much better if I could just get my car towed and get my Grandmother's car started back up.

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DATE: Apr 25 2013, 4:02 pm / MOOD: Anxious

My nerves are incredibly shaken these days. It's been nonstop stress since Monday and I'm actually beginning to experience body aches as a result.

I stressed for days over the possibility that I could be pregnant until I caved in and tested myself yesterday. So far, so good, no baby.

That girl texted again last night but my boyfriend refused to answer. He said doing so would indicate to her that she's important. He had a point. The question is - will he go through with telling her to back away? I don't feel I can ask presently because his Grandfather passed away this morning. I can't heap more stress on top of that, no way.

In addition to all that, he and his Mother had a bit of a spat last night. It was tame compared to the fights/arguments my parents and I tend to have but I was still stressed. She started by asking, "Are you going home tonight?" She kept at it, rephrasing the question, shifting angles - "Do you go home?", "Are you going home tonight?", etc.. She was very clearly taking issue with his staying the night with me...

She finally outright said that by staying with me, he was trashing her upbringing of him. I took this personally as I felt that she was judging me at the same time, even if she didn't mean it that way (I still wonder if she did...).

They talked it out and we're going shopping after I leave work but it's official - I am the most stressed out I have been in a long time. Loan repayment starts next month, money is tight, I wish I had my own space, and I'm buried under a project at work that could be worth a considerable amount of money.

I'm feeling sick and I know it's all in my head. I'm actually making myself ill now. I just need a break, a breather, a happy weekend to de-stress.

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DATE: Apr 23 2013, 12:59 pm / MOOD: Don't know

We're back at square one. He's still afraid. He said he loves me but it scares him that he could seriously envision spending the rest of his life with me. I don't understand what about that is so scary if he's genuinely happy; he said it's not the thought of it being me, it's the thought of it being with anybody at all. But I finally broke down on him over the phone and said, "You are putting me through so much, you have no idea how much pain this is causing me. You ask too much. I'm supposed to deal with you questioning us every few weeks and keep quiet about you talking to that girl. I'm giving so much, I'm jumping through hoops, and I'm tired."

I told him I had to go, not bothering to wait for a response. I cried some more, grabbed my stuff, and went back to work. He's texted me since then to apologize profusely but I'm sitting here asking myself how many times this is going to happen. I told him he hasn't been fair and he agreed. I'm reluctant to answer, I'm reluctant to act, I'm beginning to freeze up and withdraw. I'm even happy to be at work, happy to be at my desk, to have tasks to work on. I'm not even planning on going home at closing time, I'm going to sit here and power through as much as I can because as long as I'm here, I'm safe. Work is my safe haven.

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DATE: Apr 23 2013, 8:29 am / MOOD: Frustrated

Yesterday was miserable. I barely ate, my weight even dropped on the scale which is saying something given my current reign as the Plateau Princess. I didn't go to sleep until almost 2:00am but I went to bed feeling thankful for the friends that I have. All through the day, my friend "A" texted me to keep me company. My friend "T" let me come over after work and talked me off the ledge. My ex even helped, filling in the time between friend "T's" visit and friend "E's". I had a solid block of 7 hours of friends just being amazing.

I texted my boyfriend at 6:33 but he never tried to reach me until 11:09. He said he was sorry he hadn't let me come over and that he'd just needed time to himself. But I feel that was rather damaging to our relationship overall; I say, "I'm afraid I could be pregnant" and make it clear that I have no particular reason to think this. His response is to ignore me for 5 hours.

He said I made him question our future and whether we'd always bicker and I understand that. But this has been difficult for me. I feel like I need to take care of myself more, that maybe the idea of another human being completely having your back is just silly. I'm trying to rebuild some walls which I know he wouldn't be happy about but he can't have it both ways, something has to change. If I become a bit stronger, it'll be okay.

My goal for the day is to just hammer through my work. I didn't even bother unpacking my cell phone, we'll talk when we talk.

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DATE: Apr 22 2013, 5:37 pm / MOOD: Anxious

He's mad at me because of my outburst. He said he can't deal with them every few days. I asked if I could come over tonight but he declined saying he needs time and we'll talk tomorrow before we visit his mother for dinner.

If he forgives me, I'll never bring up that girl or anything like that again, I learned my lesson.

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DATE: Apr 22 2013, 4:08 pm / MOOD: Anxious

I'm having a rather anxiety-filled day. I told my boyfriend that I'm worried I could be pregnant. Not for any particular reason really besides my inability to take the pill every day exactly at 3:00. His response wasn't the most supportive. It wasn't really bad but he's somewhat distant now.

I sought out advice on a pregnancy forum and found that I'm not the only woman who is in constant fear of pregnancy so that was something. I think I'm going to check into the IUD ASAP, hope I can get it or something else affordably, and make it through the rest of today. I have about an hour remaining and I'm worn out.

I'm considering stopping by a pharmacy and picking up a pregnancy test just in case. I'd have to test again in two weeks to be sure but not knowing is killing me. I'm not really sure what to do, I feel so alone. I know my boyfriend was busy when I told him, that he was studying for a test he's taking right now, but still. I could have used a little more support than what I actually received.

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DATE: Apr 20 2013, 1:43 pm / MOOD: Sleepy

 

It's freezing cold today. Still, we ran. It began to hail as we mounted a hill but still, we ran. My time wasn't terribly impresive - 3.02 miles in 34:05 - but still, I ran.



I had to overcome a fair amount of uphill struggles today. We waited in line outside for at least an hour due to, IMO, lacklustre organization. Dark clouds rolled in, the sun hidden from view most of the morning. We began to worry that it would rain but we had no intention of backing out even if it did.

The wind was biting but we hugged ourselves tighter.

Once the race began, my side started throbbing. Only 3/4 of a mile in, I started to walk. Five steps into surrender, my roommate saw me and yelled, "NO! KEEP GOING!"

At times, the wind pressed so hard against us it was a struggle to continue forward. I kept having to stretch my midsection while running to ward off stabbing pains. There were times when I thought I wouldn't make it but I kept thinking of telling my boyfriend that I hadn't given up. I thought of all the pain I've gone through and realized that what I was feeling was nothing in comparison. Pain is temporary, I've been through worse. And all of that past pain molded me into what I am today.

I set these goals when I broke up with my ex and I've been hitting every single one flawlessly. I struck another today when I crossed the finish line so my next target is 3 miles in no more than 33 minutes. I have approximately a month to train for the next 5k.

 

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DATE: Apr 17 2013, 2:06 pm / MOOD: Content

My anxiety has improved in the past 24 hours. My boyfriend stayed over Monday night and we discussed that girl again. I hadn't really intended to bring it up, I was already sick to death of it, but he could tell I was unhappy by how quiet I was. We talked on the way to picking up food but we didn't really get to finish.

When we got home, I dropped the subject and began to eat. He only had one piece of pizza before he stopped and said, "I can't eat until we talk about this".

I said, "It might be easier if you mentioned me more often. Like when you invited me over to watch Doctor Who, ten minutes before I got there she asked what you were doing. You said watching Doctor Who. Why didn't you say with me? I'm around almost all the time, it would be very easy to slip me in just about anywhere in the conversation."

As I gave examples, his head dropped lower and lower until I couldn't even see his face. He finally said, "You basically just implied I don't care about you and you have no idea how much I really care." I hadn't meant to upset him and I certainly wasn't implying that he doesn't care. I felt bad so I hugged him. He inhaled like he was about to say something so I prodded him to continue. He told me he'd been thinking something, had wanted to tell me something, but was afraid to. And then he said it - "I think I love you".

I told him I had been thinking the same thing, that I think I love him as well. Since then, we've been saying it freely back and forth. Not a lot, not obsessively, but comfortably.

I haven't been wondering about the girl as much lately. He said after he graduates they won't talk at all because that's how it goes in college. He also made it very clear that he doesn't go to her for anything and that she hasn't flirted at all. I truly believe he's a good person at heart, he's a rare kind of person and I don't think he's lying.

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