Anxiety

DATE: Sep 07 2008, 12:26 pm / MOOD: Sad

I'm sorry I haven't been around lately. I seem to bounce back and forth between busy and just too f@cking depressed to give a sh*t. Apparently I need something immediate to focus on in order to not go batsh*t, and hanging out online usually makes me feel worse not better. I deeply appreciate the support and kind thoughts from my friends on here, and I'm sorry for being so not here.

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DATE: Jul 12 2008, 8:31 pm / MOOD: Sad

i wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments. the funeral is over, and i'm back home, although i'll be seeing my mom and visiting my brother's grave frequently this year (i already have plans for next month).

 

at some point i will need to vent my father's part in my brother's death and the way he tortured my mom and i over the arrangements. and i hope to be able to explain how much my brother meant to me, but there just aren't words. he was only 23, and i know this never would've happened if he hadn't been drunk and had a gun. my dad gave him the gun. he's no longer my father. he sexually, physically, verbally, and psychologically abused me growing up, so i didn't think there was any possible way he could hurt me anymore, but i was so terribly wrong. i can't believe he took my baby brother from me.

 

my brother and i were close all our lives. i don't know how to breathe without him. every time i go outside i'm shocked the sky and trees are still there. i just can't believe that the world can exist without him. i can't believe i exist without him.

 

i had to fight urges to protect his dead body from all the people who were going to bury him. i felt like he was going to wake up any minute, i just wanted to hold his hand forever and letting go was impossibly hard. i still can't believe he's dead. i just can't' believe it. i wish he would call me and explain what's going on. why doesn't he call me or show up at my door?

 

and by the way, my friends are taking very good care of me, so that you for letting me vent, but please don't worry about me. i haven't been alone since i found out. and i probably won't be for a while.

 

thank you everyone.

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DATE: Jul 08 2008, 6:52 am / MOOD: Don\'t know

my brother shot himself yesterday.  i have to go home and be with my mom.  i have no idea how to get through this.  i don't know what to do.  we had no idea he felt that way, he's never been suicidal.  i'm just in so much shock and i don't know how to get through this.  i'm dreading the arrangements and family and all the people, and i don't know how to deal with my dad.  i blame my dad for it.  and he's being so selfish.  i can't write more, i'm just exhausted.  

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DATE: May 10 2008, 2:09 pm / MOOD: Bored

i took two benadryl in order to fall asleep last night.  so now i'm still groggy.  but at least i got sleep. i really really needed it.  i still had bad dreams, but they weren't quite as bad as my normal nightmares.  it'll still give me plenty to talk to my therapist about.  i dunno, i've just been really frustrated lately.  i'm sorry for writing depressing blogs, but i just want to be honest and say how i'm feeling.

and this really isn't bad considering how bad i used to get.  but a day doesn't go by that i don't think about killing myself.  but i don't.  one night a few months ago i came home crying and told my cat "you better be happy i came home for you", and like always she attacked me with purrs and a demand to be pet.  honestly, no one else will take care of her, so i better stay around.  i'm not worried about actually killing myself, i know i won't, i'm just tired of feeling this way.  

 

i'm sure it'll get better.  i'm probably going through a rough spell because of the disagreement with my father.  i'll probably get better in a few days.  in the mean time, i'm trying, i'm trying.  i'm studying, cleaning, exercising, whatever i can do to kill time and try to make my life a little bit better.  i've never been so productive during a depressive episode.  i guess i should be proud of myself.

 

thanks to everyone who keeps telling me they care about me.  i'm sorry it doesn't really infiltrate my mood at the moment, but i'm i'm sure i'll be really grateful later!  ha ha.  i'm so weird.  i complain about being lonely, but when someone says "i care" or does something nice for me, i don't feel anything.  i guess the problem is me.  i'll get out of this soon, i hope.  until then, textbooks and cleaning. 

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DATE: May 09 2008, 8:12 pm / MOOD: Fearful

Trying to fall asleep. I get different, I dunno, just f@cked up I guess, when I don't sleep. I wonder which is real. The me that comes out at times like this? Or the pathetic me that is constantly searching for optimism and crap. I'm at andy's, so I'm safe. But I'm embarsased to not be okay by myself. For some reason, there's a part of me that seriously hates my existence, and she surfaces sometimes. I have nasty scars because of her. And I'm surprised she hasn't killed me yet.

I know its bad because of the weekend, and my nightmares. Sometimes I feel physical pain like stuff from when I was a kid is happening now. Like I'm being invisibly crushed.

Blah, what a bunch of depressing garbage. I'm sorry. I took some benadryl, I think its working. I should be able to sleep soon. And then tomorrow I dunno. I suppose ill keep trying like I always do.

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DATE: Apr 28 2008, 4:53 pm / MOOD: Anxious

I haven't had internet access for awhile, I think my modem is broken or something.  It was really a pain last night, when I got all panicky and couldn't distract myself online.  But it also made me realize I usually find a way to distract myself.  I don't have any full-on addictions, rather I have an assortment of peccadillos at my disposal to use to ignore my issues.  So, yeah, I'm addicted to distraction itself.  

I still don't really have internet access, but someone else's network is working for me at the moment, yesterday everyone was greedy with their bandwith for some reason. 

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of reading.  My therapist told me my father probably has a combination of narcissist, paranoid, and sociopathic personality disorders.  This means he actually has borderline personality disorder, which is the catch-all used when one personality disorder isn't sufficient.  I was already aware of the narcissism and paranoia, but reading about sociopaths has completely opened my eyes.  I finally understand so much of my past.  I always assumed the lies he told were lies that he convinced himself of first.  I assumed he was a bad person because he let himself be a bad person, because he cared more about his own interests than anything else.  Which is true, but unlike most selfish people, he completely skips the step of rationalizing.  He just fakes that part.

I don't know, but this is both terrifying and liberating.  Most, if not all, of my anxiety is related to my dad.  And while the idea that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths (according the book I'm reading, The Sociopath Next Door) might be frightening to some, it's a relief to me to find out the core difference between my father and other people doesn't exist in 24 out of 25 people.  It also means my fears about my dad aren't exactly irrational.  In fact, my emotions are completely rational responses.  Intellectually, I don't have much to be frightened of, because he doesn't want to go to jail or lose his reputation.

I've also been reading Abused Boys by Mic Hunter, I figured it might give me some insight into the different ways men respond to early childhood trauma compared with women.  It's actually been very helpful, I think a lot of the issues for abuse survivors are the same, regardless of gender.  However, there are definitely some differences, and it has been both an interesting and incredibly sad read.  It was also anxiety provoking.  I can't believe I didn't realize how much it would bother me to be reading this book.

Oh, and my brother is acting so creepy.  He reminds of my dad now.  I don't think personality disorders are genetic, but I also don't know if they're learned or not.   He blames me for his anger at me.  I guess I don't pay enough attention to him.  He keeps trying to get me to hang out with him, but I just don't want to.

Anyway, I had a good group therapy today, but I blew off the rest of my plans for the day because I was so anxious afterwards.  I came home (eventually, after wandering in my car for a while), and wound up hiding in my closet on the phone with Andy because my brother was trying to get me to hang out with him.  Since then I've been reading about sociopaths.  I know it sounds stupid of me to keep the anxiety triggers going, but I'm seeing my dad on Friday and I want to be as prepared as possible.  Although of course, according to this book, and the therapists, everything with a sociopath is a losing game.  I really can't be prepared, I guess.  I'm just so scared.

So now, I'm hungry and I feel too dizzy to go to the store, and I'm afraid I'll have to talk to my brother if I leave my room.  This is getting really sad.

I did get one idea from the Abused Boys book, I'm going to buy a stuffed animal from a toy store and take it with me and hide it in my suitcase during the day and sleep with it at night.  And no matter what my dad says or does to me, I'll just think about that animal being safe in my suitcase.  I know it sounds silly, but I just thought it might comfort my "inner child".   

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DATE: Apr 22 2008, 11:20 pm / MOOD: Mellow

warning:  super long blog.  basically letting off some steam and doing some therapeutic venting, so please don't feel like you have to read all of this :-). 

 

so, hyde keeps telling me he's both happy and miserable.  this made me worried and concerned.  but tonight i know exactly what he means.

my day started with an email from my dad with one sentence "hold off on any decisions until we talk".  then he called me and i didn't answer.  i wound up sleeping in late and having nightmares about talking to my father.  really productive thing to do during finals.  yep.  see, the email was in response to one in which i let him know how much money i needed for tuition, books, and to secure the new apartment i'm moving into.  i know, i'm spoiled, but he offered to put me through college "no strings attached", and he did sh*t for me during my childhood except for lots of abuse.

anyway, i was really scared, based on his email and last few conversations that he was going to refuse to help me through school or anymore or help me live in my current city.  i think he wants me to move to texas.  the last couple times i talked to him he insisted on seeing him as soon as possible.  in the same email that i listed my financial needs i also offered may 8th, as the soonest that i could come see him.  (i have finals and commitments with my volunteer work).  this wasn't good enough, apparently.

i went over to andy's place to call my dad back because i was too scared to do it alone.  btw, i blew off plans with one of my oldest friends that i haven't seen in forever, because of this sh*t.  kinda ruined my whole day.  my dad spent almost an hour yelling at me telling me how concerned he is in a very martyr like way.  he wants to see me as soon as possible and basically views me as being disobedient for not dropping everything and flying out to see him right away.  he says he's losing sleep over concern for me.  of course, i know that's bullsh*t.  

based on our last couple conversations i know he's losing sleep over a guilty conscience.  i mean, he asked me if i was molested.  and the last time i visited him he spent the whole time talking about child abusers.  believe me, i don't bring that kind of stuff up around him.  he's obsessed with proving his innocence even tho i haven't accused him of anything (to his face, or to his family, just anonymously in therapy, in group therapy, to my closest friends, and on this website).

yet he's already asking me the standard fms bullsh*t.  (fms = false memory syndrome, which is a term coined by a couple who were accused of sexually abusing their daughter).  he asked me if my therapists are suggesting possible traumas in my life and if they have told me not to talk to my family.  

i'm seeing psychologists at a top research university.  i'm not seeing just anyone.  he asked about their credentials and i told him he could look at the staff page for the university counseling center and get the full background of anyone i've been seeing.  

i've also told him that my therapists don't speculate, they just ask questions.  but anyway, i think he's super paranoid and guilty.  but someone who molested a little girl should feel f@cking guilty.  but i digress.

he kept insisting (to the point of being scary and psychotic) that he had to see me in person to discuss my therapy in full and everything in my life for the past three years.  he wants every detail of my work in therapy, my past work history, my school work, my volunteer work, and my friends.  and he thinks this is normal for family.  apparently family is supposed to know absolutely everything about each other.

so i caved.  i asked someone to cover for me next weekend at my volunteer gig.  i'm going to see him on the 2nd.  i have no choice.  he's holding my tuition money hostage until i see him.  i feel like a whore because i was so close to telling him to f@ck off and just trying to find a way to survive financially on my own.  but i quit my job back in october because of my anxiety and because i let myself get walked on at work.  and it's such bad timing.  because i'm moving and starting the summer semester, i stand to lose thousands of dollars if i don't make him happy.  and there's no way, even if i got a job yesterday, i could make that kind of money in time.  i would lose the new apartment i haven't even moved into yet. 

anyway, my plan is to be working by the end of the summer so that i won't have to keep giving in.  if i can support myself i can just tell him to f@ck off.  i'm scared of giving him my new address when i move, tho.  he told me today that if i didn't go see him he would come down and see me.  how much more determined will he be if i try to break contact with him?  

i'm even more scared of the trip coming up.  he sounds desperate and angry.  i'll keep a knife and a roll of quarters on me at all times (yep, i'm classy), but he carries a smith and wesson revolver on his ankle and a baby glock behind his back at all times.  and he's super paranoid and aggressive.  and he likes to take me to mexico where bribing is easier.  okay, maybe i inherited some paranoia.  he's probably not going to off me.  i'm planning on taking a voice recorder tho in case he says anything incriminating.   

and my brother wants to talk, he won't say what about, but it has to be in person.  everyone in my family has a knack for useless drama.  of course, my brother lives with me, so it is kinda less weird for him to demand a face to face conversation.  and he promised to buy me breakfast.  so i'm hoping it's going to be a good conversation.  we haven't spoken in about five months.  he's been an angry drunk, and our last conversation consisted of him cursing and yelling and throwing things at me.  i made the mistake of asking him for his late rent money.  so here's hoping he's going to apologize.  or at least be nice.  we used to help each other when it came to parental damage control.  if my brother tells my dad i'm doing alright, i know he'll calm down immensely.  

wow, long long blog of misery so far.  where's the happiness?  well, as andy observed, i recovered really quickly from the conversation with my dad.  normally that kind of thing would have me shaking for days.  but i've learned to stop fighting the pain and just feel it.  somehow that makes it easier, and i get through it faster.  i'm ridiculously happy and proud of myself for being okay right now.  i'm hysterically pleased with myself for not being a collapsed mess.  so even tho i didn't go to class today and didn't get any studying done, i'm choosing to be happy with myself and view today as a huge success rather than a failure.

secondly, i know my happiness shouldn't depend on someone else's feelings towards me, but andy was so supportive.  he was very welcoming about me coming over to call my dad back.  and i know that it was a bad time for him, he had therapy today and he's behind in work, but he didn't mention any of that and made me feel very okay with being at his place.  (i have a lot of anxiety about being where i'm not welcome.  i have a key to his place, and i still worry.  last time i let myself in it was because my urge to use his bathroom trumped my anxiety.)  anyway, he let me chill at his place most of today and took the time to be really be there for me.  he also made me dinner, which was really sweet of him.  and he called after i left to see how i was doing.  and he mentioned a lot that he was impressed with how well i was doing.  oh, and he offered to go with me to texas and stay in my dad's town so that he'd be close by if anything happened.  i told him not to do anything so drastic, however, if i get into a bind, i'll hide out in a mexican hotel and call him up and ask him to rescue me.  

thirdly, even tho i'm under orders to not make any decisions, i signed my new lease yesterday!  i'm super excited that as of may 19th i'll officially have my own place.  and i love it!!!  and i love my new landlady, she's awesome.  

okay, well, there ya go.  i'm happy and miserable.  i should really go to sleep now!  i have a breakfast meeting with my brother in six and half hours.  after that i have therapy.  and after that i'll be doing volunteer stuff for a few hours.  and after that i'll be studying like hell for the two finals i have on thursday.  yippee??? 

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DATE: Apr 21 2008, 3:08 am / MOOD: Tired

ha ha.  i'm tired. i have a big day ahead of me, but it's already 6 am, and i'm still awake.  i've been tired for awhile but too scared to sleep.  i tried to be positive today, but i also avoided the obvious.  some stuff really bothered me almost twenty-four hours ago, and i tried to ignore it.  and now i'm just scared and lonely.  and way oversensitive.  i just got my feelings hurt by some stupid lady in chat of all things.  it just reminded me of high school, so petty and judgmental.  

 

p.s.  i AM getting serious help.  that doesn't mean i can't talk about it.  this isn't my goddamn fault.  if i ever do kill myself i'm going to write a long F U list first.  i'll try to leave my corpse in the most inconvenient place ever.  just kidding.  my mom always told me to leave my suicide out of other people's lives.  yep, my mom is big on ethics.  she always told me when killing oneself it's wrong to jump in front of a train or car, because it isn't nice to involuntarily involve other people.  and my dad told me not to stand on the edge of sidewalks in case i'm drunk and roll into the street and get hit by a bus.  yeah, i was raised with principles!!!

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DATE: Apr 20 2008, 8:22 pm / MOOD: Tired

I haven't been on here long, and so far my blogs have been really negative.  I guess that's because I needed a place to write that stuff down.  I have a myspace page, but there are family members who can read it.  I joined one messageboard for survivors, but it was pretty quiet.  I've found this to be a very supportive friendly community.  I do have IRL friends, and this past week has taught me to try actually talking to them more often.  I'm not good at keeping in touch with friends, I'm not very good at socializing, but I need to keep working on it.

Anyway, I just thought I should mention some of the good stuff that came out of this week.  

Andy is taking over for me tomorrow, I was supposed to give a girl a ride to court for an injunction, but he's going for me so that I don't have to miss group therapy.  Very kind of him.

My volunteer work always motivates me.  We spent some time with that same girl on Friday night, and she's working through a difficult case that won't be over until May.  I really really want to see her win.  And I'm taking her out on Wednesday.  We're going to pay for some of the fees she has for court-ordered programs, and I thought I'd take her to a thrift store for stuff for her new place, and to dinner as a belated birthday thing.  So, I'm really excited about that. It's awesome to watch someone else get their life back.  Just weeks ago she was sleeping on a sidewalk.

I'm really really happy I have group therapy tomorrow.  My group is so kind and so supportive to me.  I'm so lucky to have that resource.

I put a deposit down on an apartment and I'll be signing the lease tomorrow afternoon!!!  I'm so excited.  I'll be all by myself, away from my stupid drunk brother.  It's in a nice neighborhood.  I love my new landlady.  She's an artist, and she has the sweetest dog, which I'm totally welcome to walk and play with.  And her husband is a federal prosecutor, which I think is kinda cool.  It's within walking distance of the bay and Andy's apartment.  Everyone, including Andy, other friends, my therapist, myself, all agree, that I'll most likely handle things a lot better without that constant source of fear and anxiety.

I hung out with an old friend and his girlfriend last night.  I hadn't seen him in a while, so it was really nice.  He's always been a good friend.  I've been friends with his big sister for over six years.  He has this tendency to really stick up for me.  And his girlfriend is sweet and likes me.  I'm really happy about that. For some reason a lot of my friends get gf's or wives that don't like me.  I don't understand.  I know I'm kinda weird, but whatever.

Tomorrow, after I sign my new lease, Andy and I are going to the aquarium.  It's very relaxing and fun.   

On Tuesday I'm seeing one of my oldest friends in Florida.  His fiancee doesn't like me, so we don't hang out much.  But anyway, he's a really good friend. 

I have finals next week, which I'm really worried about, but once they're over, I'll have finished this semester.  I'm failing one course, but hopefully the others will be okay.  Ever since I had a few bad talks with my dad my anxiety has skyrocketed.  I ordered pizza tonight because I didn't feel up to grocery shopping.  I'm scared to go to school.  But I'll find a way to make it.  I have group tomorrow and individual therapy on Wednesday, so that should help.

One of my friends told me that they now train dogs for people with panic disorders.  Apparently they nudge you if you freak out or disassociate in order to remind you to take a pill or to help you snap out of it.  I'd seriously love to apply for one of those.  Going to campus with a helper dog would be awesome.  I don't think I would get so scared if I had a dog with me.

Anyway, tough week, but I have a lot to live for and a lot to be grateful for.  woo hoo. 

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DATE: Apr 18 2008, 2:15 pm / MOOD: Angry

I really appreciate all the feedback and support I got on my last blogs about my father. I just wanted to add a little info, just so ya'll know why I'm going to see him.

1. I didn't talk to him for three years after I turned 18.

2. I got married, which changed my last name to one he didn't know, and moved very far away. That marriage was a disaster in which I was repeatedly abused, and I eventually left.

3. It took three years, but he still managed to find me.

4. I was stupid and thought maybe he'd changed, so I took him up on his offer to support me through college.

5. He hasn't changed, and in the last three years or so, things have slowly been getting worse. He's no longer afraid of losing me again, so he keeps getting worse and worse.

6. Last time I saw him I used the excuse of needing a walk for exercise and spent more than an hour wandering around in the rain and dark and almost got ran over because I was so disoriented.

7. The next night on that same trip I spent the whole night shaking and crying.

8. He's been pushing me to drink with him sine I was 12.

9. I can't remember how early he began abusing me, but I have vague memories of making the huge mistake of reaching out to him around age 2. This was because my mother ignored me for my brother. My first memory of sexual abuse, so far, would be around age 4 or 5. He hit and yelled constantly.

10. He really feels I owe him now.

11. He likes to drink and play with guns. With me in the room. With me in his bed. Yeah, super creepy.

12. He owns many guns including a machine gun.

13. He likes to take me to Mexico and tell me how I'm the only one he can really talk to.

14. If I rebel he will come looking for me. I visited my old coworkers after I moved to Florida, and they told me he was asking for me. This wouldn't be so weird, but he was in Texas and before I moved to Florida I was in Pennsylvania. So he went all the way to Pennsylvania to wander around asking people for me.

15. If I can just make it a little longer I'll be okay. I'm hoping to work through these anxiety problems and maybe even get back to work by end of summer. If I can put myself through school he won't be able to demand so much.

16. After I get a degree I will move to another country and change my name and social security number.

17. The law is not on my side. I can't press charges over memories. I can only protect myself and this is the only way I know. Which means playing nice, slowly distancing myself, and then disappearing.

18. While I'm in this situation, I might as well get as much money as I can while I can. It'll never make up for my lack of a childhood, but I guess it's something.

 

Makes me a whore, huh? That's okay, I have nothing but respect for whores.

 

EDIT: I suppose I should try to mention the positive stuff, huh?

How many girls are good with both a revolver and pistol? My accuracy ain't bad, and I can repeatedly fire a glock pretty damn fast. Thanks, Dad.

I can drink any liquor straight. How many girls my age appreciate a good scotch? Thanks, Dad.

I've been told I'm sexy or hot or whatever since about age 5. Umm . . . . no thanks, Dad.

I got over any fear of death by age 7 or 8.  Thanks, Dad.

I'm really good at letting my mind take off.  I can talk and act and not actually be present or remember any of it later.  This means I was abused for a couple years during my marriage and barely remembered any of it.  THANKS, DAD!! 

 

Haha I'm going to stop now. I'm running super late for my volunteer work.

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