Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Dec 01 2008, 9:16 pm / MOOD: Don't know

Ok here goes, I really don’t like writing about my own problems don’t ask me why but maybe I should because lately I have been feeling unbelievably down. I mean I go through the motions a lot and at times I am overwhelmed with sadness but I cover it up and also my medication keeps me in check (especially when I was going to university), but right now nothing is sufficing and what spirit I had has been completely shattered.



Everything hurts, I go to look at my reflection and I am just filled with hate for myself. All I see is lifelessness in my eyes and I can barely keep my head up at times. I guess there is a lot of regret for the monotonous and lonely life I have been leading and these constant factors that reckon with my daily life, the small stupid things that are magnified and combined which f@cken bound me to this homemade prison.



I’m sorry guys I know this is vague, there is a lot more things going on inside me, I can’t really express it all, inside I am in a lot of pain and down on myself… I tried drinking a sh*tload of whiskey last night and for a while I was limp and felt ok but then I started throwing up violently and the headache and stress I felt afterward gave me a sleepless and turbulent night, im still trying to get my sh*t together today.

I have not really expressed things that are going on in my head to anyone, my parents(who aint here) i feel as though i am a huge burden to them and i refuse to be any more of an expense so hence they dont really know too much, as for my therapist I am not comfortable expressing myself completely I don’t know why.. im thinking of just stopping it altogether.



Well anyway, sorry if this sounds just like a whinge it’s not…. I am very unstable and hollow at the moment and although I have always carried the knowledge of different perspectives and paths I guess its all now coming to a forefront.. Although I knew this was the time when it was all going to start dawning on me.



alrite im gonna try and eat something , I haven’t even been doing that properly

 

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DATE: Nov 15 2008, 1:55 am / MOOD: Tired

Alright all

so i normally dont do blogs.. in fact i dont think ive ever done one in my life??

But anyway just thought i'd rant about this stupid sore throat, fever, cold blah blah ive been having these past few days , infact the sore throat was pretty painful last night... it was non-stop i could barely get a proper breath in at times. It gets a bit like that at night and of course makes sleep a real pain in the ass.

Add to this the suprise i got when i woke up this morning! Okay so i got up as usual, muttered something in some kind of alien language that only ET and Marvin the Marshin could understand something along the lines of "asjduadhasudhasd" which came out in a voice that sounded like the voice Barry White and a 1699 version of Diana Ross... but anyway... so i trudged towards the bathroom..

When i got to the mirror and looked at my reflection i almost fell on my tuckus in suprise as i saw that my eyes had gone completely bloodshot! At first a sense of joy overcame me, i had finally turned into a zombie i could now live out my dreams of doing uhhh.... zombie... things and dancing like Michael Jackson in Thriller without looking out of place. However i wasnt 100% sure if i had really turned into a zombie so i decided to do a test the only i way i knew how, you see after recently watching 'Shaun of the Dead' it had taught me that zombies can eat their own body parts and not feel pain and hence i took a deep breath got my chompers all lined up and took a slow bite into my arm. Ouch! i am not ashamed to admit at this point i screamed like a little girl and that this whole experiment was probably a stupid idea in the first place as i clearly felt pain and was henceforth not a zombie :(.

I came to the conclusion that i have 'pink eye' or whatever its called... pretty cool though i didnt even have to go to a doctor to get it diagnosed!!

So yeah it sucks :( all this has me feeling a bit lethargic,tired and a bit overwhelmed too strangely. Its the holidays now at least, so i guess its easier to stay indoors alot (like i usually do anyway blahhhhh) but the weather is nice and i kinda just wanted to feel good since ive just come off the back of a stressful university period, but i feel worse. Arrr i just hate being sick, because i go a bit nuts sometimes in trying to get better and my OCD makes me be meticulous in ensuring i do everything properly to get better.. to a point of obsessiveness at times...

oh well, sorry this is a stupid rant the way im going on you'd think id have some serious condition like 'Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis'.

Laters

 

EDIT: May not be conjuctivitis.. my eyes arent itching.. yet phew :P

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