Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Jun 24 2012, 3:06 pm / MOOD: Don't know

I have not been around in weeks.

I have been so busy. So busy.

Did a lot of traveling this last little while. For my husband's work. We did get to see my family which was nice.

My anxiety has come and gone. I've been doing better and I've been doing worse. It's a day to day basis.

I finally got an appointment to see a neurologist though, to check this whole MS thing out. Hopefully I will have answers sooner then later!!

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DATE: May 25 2012, 4:34 pm / MOOD: Anxious

We are going to be traveling for the next little while.

Which would be fine. If it didn't make me anxious as hell. It's gotten to the point where some days I fight to leave the house. I still can't drive. Especially on the high way. The weirdest part about that, is that my accident happened in a parking lot!

But I need to suck it up because we're not just traveling anywhere, we're traveling home to see my folks. Yesterday I was excited about it, today I am so anxious I want out of my skin!!!

I'm just going to have to push through this. The kids want to see their grandma and papa and I know that for me, a change of scenery might do me some good!!

Wish me luck!!

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DATE: May 24 2012, 2:58 pm / MOOD: Frustrated

I finally found out who my neurologist is supposed to be, got his phone number and gave them a call. I thought maybe just maybe I'd get good news.

WRONG!!

I'll be waiting 3-4 months just to see the guy. Then an undisclosed amount of time for a nerve test to check why my hands go numb. From there, I'll be waiting 6-10 god damn months before I can get in for an MRI.

They're going to have to sedate me to get through that period of time I swear to God!!


I can't do this anymore...waiting. Struggling. The ups and downs. I need answers damnit and I need them like yesterday. I've been dealing with the symptoms of MS for years now, unknowingly. It's time for a diagnosis or to be told it's not that, it's something else...

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DATE: May 23 2012, 11:40 pm / MOOD: Fearful

I may have MS.

 

My optometrist dropped that bomb shell on me two weeks ago. I went in complaining about a loss of sight in my left eye,complaining that my peripheral vision seems to be off and  painful eye pressure.

 

She did every test she could and couldn't come up with any reason why. She googled the meds I am taking for depression and anxiety, that also came up empty handed. Then she asked me about family history of MS; there is none but she still wants to send me to a neurologist.

 

The worst part about all of this, I do have other symptoms of MS.

 

This is now adding to my anxiety. Ten fold!! I have gone through the whole grieving process and then some. I've been mad. I've been mad as hell. I've cried. I've been in denial. I cried some more...

 

This may not be a death sentence, but this is a life sentence. Something I would have to live with for the rest of my life. SOmething that could give me very little problems. Something that could put me in a wheel chair.

 

To make matters worse my parents are very unsupportive...or in denial. I can't decide which. Any time I bring it up, they either try to change the subject or tell me to stop worrying about it, at least until I've been diagnosed or proven wrong. What they don't understand is that this is my reality right now. My reality is that I am waiting to see a neurologist to have an MRI and be told whether or not I have MS. Something that will affect my children's lives. My husband's life and my life forever if it's true.

 

I often question why me. Haven't I been through enough? Five years of infertility, being told my husband has cancer, almost dying after emergency surgery, and much much more...

 

Now I'm left to wonder if my depression and anxiety is actually a symptom of MS or if the MS symptoms are a result of my depression and anxiety...

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DATE: May 20 2012, 12:21 pm / MOOD: Tired

I feel a little spread thin.

Scratch that. I feel A LOT spread thin.

I should preface this to say that I love my children. I love them more then anything in this world but spending the last three weeks straight alone with them, 24-7 has been difficult. Hard. Exhausting and just plain frustrating.

And while I love my kids more than anything, they're also a great source of my anxiety. Throw three screaming children onto my already on edge feelings and it's a recipe for one big fat, exhausting, scary panic attack.

I have not had a moment to myself in a VERY long time. My husband and I rarely have alone, one on one time that isn't accompanied by a buzzing baby monitor.

Sometimes I'm tired of being a mom, which sucks because I waited so long and tried so hard to become one. I feel so bad that I don't always appreciate the miracles that I've been given...but I'm also human and I'm also very stressed, overwhelmed and alone. And more than that, I'm full of anxiety.

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DATE: May 20 2012, 12:31 am / MOOD: Anxious

This morning I awoke feeling okay.

I had gotten up at 6.30 to ensure that by the time I woke again around 7.30-8.00 am with the kids that my antidepressant had time to start working. If I don't, I could seriously be dragging my butt for quite some time.

And then this really wonderful thing happend...I actually was having a good day. I had found this website, I had spoken with someone who had lifted me up and encouraged me and so I thought, I can do this. I can totally beat this. I want to beat this. I won't let anxiety ruin my life anymore.

Fast foward to supper time and I'm a blubbering mess. I am having panic attack after panic attack....well you get the idea. And the worst part about it is the irrational thinking that keeps coming along with them.

Maybe I have more mentally wrong with me than the doctor who prescribed my antidepressant realizes.

Shouldn't I be in therapy? Why aren't I in therapy?

My kids rely on me and I'm going to lose my ever loving mind and then what?! OMG I'm so scared.

What if I end up hospitalized?!

I can't do this anymore and I want to be better. I have never dealt with anything like this in my life before but I also feel like people aren't taking me seriously. I asked to be referred to a phsycologist and my GP told me next time. The next time rolled around and I forgot all about it, it was an UP day for me.

I can't drive. I sometimes can barely eat. Some days I barely function, other days are just fine. I'm starting to dread going to bed at night, wondering what the next day will bring.

Something has got to give...

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DATE: May 19 2012, 11:25 am / MOOD: Frustrated

This was supposed to be us. Living the dream. Instead I feel like every day I wake up in a nightmare.

I feel so alone and frustrated. I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room, yelling, screaming...asking for help, only when I open my mouth nothing comes out. No one hears me and everyone just walks past me.

I feel so alone. So alone. And yet there are so many people around me. A few people who understand, more who don't.

They don't get how this affects every single second of every minute of my life. Day in and day out.

I know you've heard it before. But it's so frustrating.I feel like even my doctor isn't listening. She put me on what I will call the evil yellow pill. It made my anxiety go down but I felt like i was on the edge of sanity, every single day and when you're raising three kids all three and under, that's not how you need to feel. So I quit taking it. I couldn't do it anymore.

I'm hoping by blogging and joining here I can start to be on the up and up. I have tried everything, I'm even reading a book and journaling things. I need out of my head and out of this anxiety. My kids need me, and I need me too.

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