Anxiety

It seems that no matter how many time I lok into my past, I know I was not the easiest child to live with. I would lie to myself thinking I was the cute shy type. Actually I was the loud and obnoxious one. I would scream for attention mainly because being the oldest, the younger sister always got it and sometimes it drove me crazy. I would bring unwanted attention to myself at times too. But my father never noticed. He never saw anything wrong. I am the best liar I swear.

I would come home from school upset and frustrated on why I would never fit in, girl would make my life a hell and I'm talking elementary school here folks, I would think about suicide although back then, I couldn't express myself, I was naive in how I processed this. I would be like "I want to die. Is that wrong? Is that a bad feeling? should I tell anyone?" most of the time I wouldn't actually I never did, there was no point I didn't want to see anyone's reaction. I didn't care what people did, I just wanted to here my name. (Weird I know) As a young child I was very obesed with my weight and being a "good" ("perfect") daughter for my father, after my parents divorce. I thought being skinny would make me happy. I wouldn't eat. I grew up where, we never really ate together. Dad would make me break... you know what.... I just lost my train of thought, I'lll get back to this blog later