Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Jul 18 2012, 2:11 pm / MOOD: Other

of an attack.



Got so many things running around in my head right now - literally feel like the world is going so quickly & I can't keep up with it.



My family is winding me right up - my mum is foul tempered and its making me crazy, shes reacting like everything I say to her is an insult. Which I really am not doing.



I was put in charge of sorting my sisters hotels for her hen do and it drove me a little mad - put this on top of sorting out an interview (which freaks me out anyway) - getting in touch with an estate agent about a house - corresponding with online shops about purchases and refunds and issues - trying to sort out two sets of friends who are trying to organise a night out - my dad coming home and teaching me how to use all the gardening equipment and telling me what order to do everything...



My mind is frazzled & its the age old thing with me that no one in this family apart from my 1 sister understands what happens to me.



I tried to talk to my mum and because the words weren't coming out of my mouth she got really pissed off with me - I literally couldn't find a starting point to try and explain any hen do hotels details to her... my mouth and my head seem disconnected.



I'm about to spiral into something heavy and ridiculous but I need to stay focused on the moment and not let all the future stuff get to me.

Writing really does calm me down though.....

Got annoyed with my mum pretty much as soon as she came home though. Now i'm not usually the kind of person to plan the future (god knows I worry about it) but to stop any anxiety I had taught myself not to expect anything.

But last night it hit me that I'm about to start my last year of uni and I need to know what my plan is after this year is up.

So I thought through a 5 year plan - not that ridiculous I dont think. Told my mum & she pretty much laughed it off... which I cannot understand!? My other two sisters went to uni - and now both have families and houses but are in jobs totally unrelated to their expensive degrees. I don't want that to happen to me. I want my degree to go towards a job and a career that i'd love - thats the reason I went in the first place.

She's annoyed me, as though, whats the point in dreaming bigger? Just because my sisters didn't do it & god knows, she and my dad didn't get their dream jobs - whose to say I won't??? I know its unlikely, because its a hard time to get dreams jobs - but surely there should be more encouragement?



I keep getting cramps in my stomach as though I might be sick. Is this a physical affect of anxiety? I've never had many physical signs before so I can't tell if I'm just ill - the only thing axiety does to me is make me shake, cant focus, cant speak & makes me feel like all my nerves are frustrated so I have to keep moving, like clenching my hands and things...



I hate this so much. I wouldn't even know what its like not to have an anxiety disorder - do people really just deal with things? :|



I'm certain every person in my family has a mental health problem - i'm not saying that to be bitchy, not at all. I know my sister has depression, my dad is an extensive worrier and my mum is all kinds of things :| My eldest sister seems to be the only one whose a bit normal - but then, she's not really close enough to me anymore for me to know.



I just wanna be fixed - but yeah, I don't have a doctor.

 

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DATE: Jul 14 2012, 6:07 pm / MOOD: Other

Like I said in my last post, these are some questions I found in an anxiety book which can help you evaluate your feelings when you feel really anxious about something- I thought they might be useful for some people: Is it possible to be certain about everything in life? What are the advantages of requiring certainty, versus the disadvantages? Or, how is needing certainty in life helpful and unhelpful? Do you tend to predict bad things will happen just because they are uncertain? Is this a reasonable thing to do? What is the likelihood of positive or neutral outcomes? Is it possible to live with the small chance that something negative may happen, given its likelihood is very low? I have high issues with certainty in situations its where I believe anxiety stems from, so going through these questions one at a time when u feel intense anxiety can help you to clarify what is going on around you xx

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DATE: Jul 14 2012, 6:04 pm / MOOD: Don't know

I keep having ups and downs lately of an extreme kind. Basically I'm fearful that the relationship I'm in is making my anxiety worse. The reason I feel so pathetic is because I'm over analysing everything & worrying about the non-existent things. So, my bf works a lot, 11 hours a day & I barely see him. When I don't see him all I have to gage our relationship on is text messages... we're both not good phone call kinda people, we've only been together for 4 months so its still feeling quite new to me baring in mind the last serious relationship I was in was over 3 years ago. I think I'm finding it really hard to adapt. We have a great time when we're together but when we're not & all we can do is text I start to get anxious about what I say & how he responds.(I know how petty this all sounds) he'd usually text me everyday & say goodnight at the end, but the past few days he's not been replying to me or saying good night... sounds stupid, but this kind of small thing plays on my mind. I wouldn't care so much if he wasn't posting so much on Facebook 'via mobile' when he's not texting me back - because then I know he's defo on his phone but consciously choosing not to text me. If this was someone else telling me this I'd have all the reasons for them - he's not thought about it, he's got distracted, don't worry it doesnt mean anything & maybe for a functioning person this would work, but I'm feeling broken. I went to work at silverstone, got badly mistreated by the company I worked for, who received heavy complaints from around 100+ workers, we all had a terrible experience & I think this has knocked me down drastically - & to make it worse the bf doesn't really believe what I went through...& jests with me that he thinks I'm making it up. All fair and good if he was joking with someone else, but my anxiety has been going mad ever since. It's crazy that because I don't hear from him I'm assuming he's got a problem with me, even tho I haven't done anything!? What is wrong with me :( :( to top it off, I no longer have a doctor while I'm at home for uni, they messed up the system & have no record of me.... so even if I wanted to run to my doctor and get help I'd need to wait till I went back to uni in September. I'm trying to self help... but half of me is so unreasonable lol I have some questions I might post separately that I found in an anxiety book which help you evaluate your feelings - they helped but just made me feel stupid :/ I know I'm over reacting, but this is one thing I hate about anxiety disorders, you may be able to see what your feeling isnt right yet you can't stop it, it feels like someone is in your brain controlling it for u.... well that's how I feel anyway.

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DATE: Jul 05 2012, 4:58 pm / MOOD: Other

I'm embarking on thee first real job I've had since 2009 before my anxiety was recognised. Pretty much wanna be sick at this point. I have to be up at 3am to get to silverstone, to work the f1, I'm still clueless about job details all I know is I'm a catering assistant. I shouldnt feel so scared, I've packed everthing I've got the right uniform & I no I'm good at serving people when I have to. The shifts are 13 hours long for 3 days, we're camping & its meant to storm. I guess I'm scared I won't live up to the employers expectations... I need to have more faith in myself. Part of me is assuming, from the lack of detail we were given and the 'no experience required' notice - that they can't be expecting too much from us. I need to be asleep really or I won't stay awake from 3 until 19.00, the other nag I have is the bf. I've spoke on her before about relationships making me anxious, well its getting bad with this guy now. So much time part because of his work is a killer & he so rarely keeps in touch the past few days - I know I'm being ridiculous, but when he doesn't reply to my messages when I could really use some support... its just sucks Anyway, I know what I have to do, I have grab the challenge and embrace the fear, the only way to beat anxiety is show it what its afraid of Hopefully I won't crumble under the pressures, gotta keep my head up (well, try & sleep first anyway).

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DATE: Jun 14 2012, 10:32 am / MOOD: Other

That my aunty/god mother has been diagnosed with alzheimers. My grandad had it when I was very young & he died when I was 4. My aunty is a treasure, she was the midwife at my birth, she's my god mother & I even have her name as my middle name. She looked after me all through my school days & I'm so so upset that she has this. A part of me feels tremendous guilt about being upset, because I cant imagine how her close family are dealing with it all & I'm wrapping myself up in sadness. I can't imagine what goes through someones head when they get told they have such a horrible disease. I guess with these kinds of things you just have to take it a day at a time & be there for them.

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DATE: Jun 08 2012, 12:13 pm / MOOD: Other

Yesterday I was full of life, I danced about everywhere & thought nothing could bring me down. I'd had the best sleep the night before, having had a bout on insomnia for about 2 weeks before. So yesterday was joyful. Today, waking up from a dream full of anger, illness & fear I felt really unwell, I didn't sleep well again. Today ive been socially anxious and fed up of my life. I'm feeling like a failure because everything I hope for falls through. I'm worried about things happening, which likely won't & I find myself sat on a floor for 2 hours not being able to do anything or think clearly. This dramatic high to low hasn't happened to me before.. yeah over the course of weeks or months it has, but 1 day :( I'm gutted. I feel like my anxiety is just bullying me lately. Of course, there's nothing I can do. I'm trying to think myself out of it, positive thoughts, focusing on all the good things I have - which is why I always feel so selfish when I talk about my anxiety, because I always think there are people out there suffering so much worse; but when I think - okay, this isn't my fault, I'm only gonna feel like this for a small while - thens its ok, but I do get a lot of guilt about this.

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DATE: May 30 2012, 3:23 pm / MOOD: Other

but I need a space to vent.



I'm not sure exactly what I'm venting, because I'm very confused right now. I don't know if this is anything to do with anxiety, but my emotions are concerning me - I was so happy and alive today, then I got pulled away from the happy situation and many various factors have now left me feel almost abanodoned and upset and a little bit crushed.



I'm really struggling to find work for the summer & i'm in constant fear that everyone is judging me because I haven't got a job. And I think that I distract myself from the feelings of fear & have a good time - only to return to them much much worse later on. It's something I have no control over though - everyday I apply for jobs, and because the work sphere in my town is so so terrible unemployment is at a high in the UK for young people & I honestly don't see if I'll get a job in the next 3 months. It makes me feel like a failure - I've come home and I feel like everything I work for at uni doesn't matter now, because if I don't get a job whats the point?!



But I know I worked so so hard at uni!



It's like I've got that crying feeling, you know when you just need to let it all go? I might watch a really sad film and just see what happens..... I'm so bored of myself & I dunno if this is to do with anxiety or whether its in my control and I'm just being a nightmare





More and more often I feel like I wanna go back to my doctor and get help. I've been really good on my own for 2 years, .......... but there's just some days you want someone to give you a hand and tell you that none of this is in your control and whats happening is not your fault. Yet, when it comes from within you.... how can you not think that your doing something wrong?



I'm sorry for all the down rants I've been posting, I really never see myself as this kind of broken person - yet I am, and I've dealt with it till now



I just hope I don't lose myself this summer, with nothing to focus on theres only my own flaws staring me in the face.

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DATE: May 27 2012, 8:23 am / MOOD: Other

I did a test last night to determine which side of my brain was most dominant, it turns out the left was, but the funny thing was the least dominant factor was that I was only 9% thought based on reality. Which means I don't cope well with changes in my environment... I've not has bad anxiety for ages, today I was off for a picnic, but all the plans suddenly changed & people are comong who weren't originally & the place changed without me knowing & i freaked out big time. I actually can't come to terms with sudden change, it takes me a long long time, i think its because I pre-determine the outcome of events & once I become uncertain it all falls apart. Not sure I can fix this,

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DATE: May 14 2012, 2:26 pm / MOOD: Sleepy

Yet again I'm here to write another long and complaint filled blog - apologies.

Bascially, I'm 20 now and I've just literally by around 2 days finished my second year at uni, I've handed in 4 assignments in 2 weeks and moved back home. I've managed to cram so much into the weekend just gone that today I'm feeling the struggle in every part of my body.

I moved home saturday morning, didn't have time to unpack but just about broke myself lifting so much stuff. Then I was straight over to my sister to prepare for a night out - I had a mini break down whilst getting ready, couldn't find the entusiasm for it at all. But still I trooped on as I have been doing the past month. I went out and had lots of fun, tried to keep everyone happy. I came home and literally didn't sleep - but then that's what alcohol will do, you must suffer at some point :p as I did the next day when I was very ill, but had to go see my boyfriend who I'd not seen for ages because of uni. We had a brilliant day, I couldn't have been happier, I was such a mess but he cheered me right up.

One other side note (yes, of complaint) I've wrote before about my boyfriend and how my sister just doesn't like him - I thought she'd maybe got passed it but she made some very horrid remarks about him on saturday night and they added to the mini break down. The thing is (before I get on to my main point lol) my family have always been amazing close, we love each other so much and I've never know anyone to be judgemental of anyone else - which is why that hurt so much and why the next bit was even worse.

So I came home this morning, I'd stayed at my bfs house - was fairly tired and I was told I looked really unwell :| (which does nothing but make you feel worse lol) was greeted by the invitation to take my nan shopping - I love her, I do but the energy you need to spend a day with her and her little remarks about how you're living your life..... I just didn't need it. So I had to refuse, I needed to unpack in order to bring some structure back to my life.

In between eating to refuel and nearly falling asleep I slowly did some work. My dad comes home, moans about stuff (yeah perhaps this is where I get it from) Later on he calls me down for dinner and ushers me in to the kitchen for 'a serious talk' - I outright did not have the energy for any kind of heart to heart, be it good or bad. Baring in mind I haven't been told off my dad for at least 7 years! What followed shocked me - I got told to respect my family more, always tell them what I'm doing, when and with you and this was the killer, I'll quote this for more effect. 'I never want you coming home telling me your pregnant' - Wow. I'm a smart girl, I would never even dream of being in that situation and to be told off with force about something so..... well, teenage. Really really wound me up. He went on to talk about living your life and doing what you need to do, but I don't remember that last bits - all I can hear and visualise is him pointing his finger at my face and (he's scottish as well so his approach is always a little intimadating) telling me off. That's all I can think to call it, because he made me feel like a 13 year old kid who didn't have a clue about.

I can look at it as, he's being protective and caring. But I can't help but thinking, firstly, was does he think I'm such an idiot.

I think I just feel hurt more than anything.

But to top it all off, the shock of being cut down like a kid sent me into a panic attack. See, I have anxiety attacks which, for me, are very different so I knew this was something brand new to me because I literally sat on the floor and could not get my breathe - I maybe felt like I couldnt do anything right anymore, and I was panic strucken about getting these new 'rules' wrong maybe for fear of seeing him act that way again. I don't know... but the combination of all that, feeling so tired - feverish, I've had a temperature since last week (yeah should really see a doctor) - and being utterly worn out with the world.... I'm not surprised I crumbled like that. I knew I had to ring my (other) sister though, she goes through a similar thing and she tried to keep me calm, but as I was on the phone my other sister (the one who doesn't like the bf) came in and sat with me and calmed me down - oddly she was being fairly supportive of the bf situation, but it was very weird trying to confide in her.

Eventually I calmed and had to go and sit with the family for dinner, luckily my niece was here so she helped dramatically to lift my mood and distract everyone from what was going on.

Now though, I'm still sat in my yet-to-be-unpacked room just wondering what to do next.


It's funny. I feel like I'm living a romeo and juliet situation. My sister said on saturday that she 'wishes they hadn't tried to put me off my bf cus then I wouldn't have gone there out of rebellion' - still a cutting comment, but now all I want to do is be with him rather than this family who all think I'm an idiot.

I think I just need a week of recoup after all the uni stuff and just... I feel like I've not stopped until now... and it's been a disaster not having a stress factor (although the telling off did fill that void).

Anyway, that's my enormous blog of complaints. I really do apologise, I feel VERY selfish but heres the only place I can do this.

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DATE: Apr 30 2012, 11:06 pm / MOOD: Tired

I've been asleep about 3 hours and, as is usual at the minute, my dreams were complex and frustrating. Everytime I dream I'm always on a mission to get something done & I never can do it. Last night I finished a piece of work (in real life) and I was super proud of myself, considering I have a heap of things atm. I wanted a lovely sleep to bring me into another stressful day - but no, I can't stop my mind wanting to fix things. It's annoy me! I have herbal sleeping tablets that can sort this feeling out, but i can't find them anywhere. Typical. It's horrid how tired my bored is compared to how awake my mind is - I'm really not sure how I can fix it. I just want to sleep :(

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