Anxiety

DATE: Oct 29 2008, 7:46 am / MOOD: Mellow

Monday was my first day of not going to work since I've quit.  I feel a little guilty sleeping in as long as I want to and just drinking coffee and watching CNN for as long as I want to in the morning.  Guilty, but good.  It is quiet in the neighborhood during the day with the kids at school and most everyone at work or in their houses.  I like that, being able to walk outside and see nobody on the street, walking my dog without having to run into anyone and chit-chat.  Maybe it is just time to be a houseperson.  I think I might like it.  Of course we will have 1/2 of our usual income, but even that might be okay.  No pressure, no panic, no anxiety -- question -- am I wasting my life now?  Each day, does it have to count for something?

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DATE: Oct 22 2008, 12:04 pm / MOOD: Tired

Taking Xanax was great, it was wonderful, it became overpoweringly irresistable.  Never thought I'd do drugs of any kind.  Don't even smoke pot.  But Xanax put me almost back into a deep depression so that I didn't feel pain or pleasure.  Actually didn't mind the doc taking blood because it felt so unreal -- that feeling of a needle.

Why am I avoiding my mother?  I look at the caller ID and don't pick up if it is her.  She is still so critical. Even after all these years she can find the sore spot on my psyche and, even on the phone, can hit it repeatedly.   I'm not like that with my son.  I protect his sore spots if I know he has them.  Why can this 80 year old woman still get inside my head?  When she passes away will she still be able to torment me?

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