Anxiety

DATE: Dec 05 2006, 8:04 pm / MOOD: Don't know

So the phone rings and I go and check the number. That number looks so familiar.  The person waits for me to say hello three times before I hang up. I think he tried to call me.  I'm not really too sure though and I have no way of proving it. hmmm!  I'm not sure what he's calling for if it's even him.

 I'm so happy being alone right now.  Being Single, I just miss companionship, not a complicated relationship.  Yes, I would pay someone to cuddle with me, but that will have to wait.

It snowed beautifully today and I listened to Christmas Carols which reminded me that I want to go to Christmas Mass (just to hear the choir).  

I went to Safeway this afternoon and saw two overweight geeky guys and found myself highly attracted to the one of them.  I had to look away for fear that they saw me glancing.  The one guy was holding grapes, yum!  

I got 4 hours of sleep, but because I napped yesterday, I had a really restful day.  I rarely feel awake and this was one of the days that I felt great.  :)  Which makes no sense since I had a pretty restless sleep last night.  I had trouble getting to sleep, which never happens.  

 

 

 

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DATE: Dec 03 2006, 10:42 pm / MOOD: Happy

I never go to functions alone, but decided what the hell.  This was one that I really wanted to go to.  I saw it in the paper last week. 

It was our uni's chamber choir.  (The school where my sister goes).  They had lovely voices, and the guy's who played the guitar were good too, the guy was good on the piano but no way as good as the ex. He was a piano extraordinaire. The guy playing the piano was cute, anyhow.

Before, they began I sat there in quiet.  I felt like I was the only one there without, someone. I even heard my name being whispered at one point.  I know it sounds crazy, but I did.  I do not hear voices.  Yet, I do not know anyone in my city so I don't know what that was all about.

Then, not to forget the guy in the green sweater and the girl in the Lisa Lobe type glasses. He kept smiling at her, like he was in love and she kept leaning on his shoulder so I couldn't see the choir at one point.  They even kissed at one point and I just had to look away.  I miss being close to someone.

I thought about my ex and I know that he would have loved the concert and then I thought that if I plan on going to that school than I really should be in that choir.   

I also came to the reality that I need to start going to places alone because I'm so sick of the idea of never going anywhere because I have noone to go with. I have to break out of this pattern. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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DATE: Dec 02 2006, 8:40 pm / MOOD: Sad

I feel like a turtle, slowly poking my head out of my shell, seeing if everything is alright when you e-mail me back, but then when I receive something from you, I totally know that I need to pull away and tuck myself inside my shell quickly before it leads to hurt.  

I have days and moments, where I think that it would be wonderful to see you and then once again there are days where I am not yet, ok. There are times where I wish that you could be a part of my life, that we could share things again, but things will never, ever be the same as they once were.  You will never love me and I will never Love you.  Yet, I loved so many things about you and this is just a difficult time where I need to be alone.  I miss you, oh so much, like every day. I wish they did not play songs on the radio of bands that we both liked. I wish that the top 40 artists would change.  Coldplay, still remains popular as ever, Panic at the Disco and Fall Out Boy.  I just pray to God that these things would not remind me of you, so much.  I hope that there will be a time where we can be friends. I'm not even sure of this anymore. Me accepting you with someone else and you talking about that with me, I'm unsure that I will ever be able to accept that.  It is like torture to my soul.  

 

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DATE: Nov 13 2006, 12:20 pm / MOOD: Full of life

Yesterday was a good day. We went to church.  I go about 3 times a year.  The sermon was mainly that God doesn't judge you on which type of car that you drive or what clothes you wear, but mainly on what you do in this life.  It's your inside that he judges you on. 

There was a service for all the people that had passed away from the parish in the last year.  They had a 9ll style mass where they read the person's name who had passed on and then a relative from the parish brought up a rose in there name and put it in a vase.  They mentioned one of the three soldiers that had died from our city in the war in Afghanistan. All three have been in there early 20's. That was very sad. It reminded me too, that we will all die some day and that life is short.  This year has gone by fast.     

I  know this may seem crazy, but since my breakup, there has literally been some higher power watching over me.  Letting me watch certain shows to send me messages or making me hear certain songs more vividly.  This has honestly helped me through.

All I've been thinking about is how sucky it is to be single.  The real reason that I've been missing him is that he was my best friend and certainly easy to talk to.  At the end, he spoke about my SA being a challenge. (I never knew he felt this way) I've really thought about that and don't want to make my SA a challenge for other guy's that I wish to date.  I've really turned something that hurt me at first into a positive.   

Yesterday, I was great and happy to be single. I took my nieces to get pizza. The pizza guy was hot.  I never see guys that look like this. He seemed nice and hot! A great combo. The guy at Little Caesar's said Have a Nice Day Girls. Referring to my nieces.  They weren't paying any attention and ran out of the pizza store. I saw a guy wearing a Winter Army Hat, a blue hoodie and khaki's crossing the street.  He was a hottie! I also saw a guy with a black hoodie and brown khaki pants coming out of Home Depot. He looked shy.  My 7 year old niece, opened the door and said my Auntie _____ likes you.  I could see him grinning, then he dropped a box. I felt bad but thought that it was cute.     I'm liking guys as if I was 15 again.  The freedom of being single.  It's amazing!

 

 

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DATE: Nov 01 2006, 1:14 am / MOOD: Dont know

Sometimes, I think about my ex when I'm driving across town and there are silent moments.  I don't want to be with him.  It's just like moments where I wonder what he did for Halloween, whether he worked, what he dressed up as. Whether, his mom gave out treats.  Everytime someone mentions his name, I say please don't mention it, it's upsetting me. I have to change the channel on the radio when they mention his work place and I can't even watch shows that I was ok with just weeks ago.  I want to know whether he went to his favourite restaurant (I never go there because it is).  Whether, he's been to the chinese place where we went to. It's the first time I was back tonight since we broke up.  When I listen to Hinder Lips of an Angel, I get upset.  I remember bawling one day a long time ago and thinking he didn't want to hang out with me due to my SA and depression. This was the song playing on the radio that day. I want to torture myself slowly and bought the CD because of this.  I'm really glad that I did though since I enjoy the CD and switch it when that song comes on.   

I think the real reason that I am writing this is that I miss being held while in bed.  I've been going out the past couple of nights to the club and I just wish that I could bring someone home and they could just hold me and hug me.  It is all that I think about.  When I come home by myself, I just wish that someone will be able to love me for me and want to be close to me in a manner that I miss.  Right, before I go to bed, I think God, I'm going to bed alone and I hope to be going to bed with someone else and cuddling up to them really soon. Kissing them and them touching my body.  I crave and miss touch.  Some guy at the bar the other day slowly walked by and put his arm on the left side of my waist and glided his hand slowly and gently across my back. You have no  idea how wonderful this felt.  

I've recently been talking to a guy too, who I really think could be a really good match for me.  I'm highly attracted to him.  I will not be meeting him until next month, but I am very excited about the prospect of meeting him. 

   

 

 

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DATE: Oct 24 2006, 9:04 pm / MOOD: Sad

Me and my ex met this time of year two years ago. I'm remembering our first date and I can picture him sitting across from me at the table. I can see it in my mind. Then I picture his place. His kitchen, his stairs. Then it turns to thoughts of him and his new gf. I've been really depressed this week and upset. I've been trying to meet people lately and none of them seem to click with me quite like we did. It sucks! We listened to the same music, he could go to a movie store and remember the movie I was interested in watching that I asked about weeks ago and pick out the same one that I had in my hand. I was angry at him after the break up, but now I am remembering nice moments that we shared once again. I don't wish to go into detail. I wish to keep them to myself. He's with someone new and there is no communication between us, but I really wish that I could just speak to him. I know it's not an option. It may be partly due to the fact that I'm feeling lonely. Knowing that he has someone new just makes me wish that I had someone new and great!

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