Anxiety

Last saturday there was a special festival day in Reykjavik with over 400 events all over town, too often I have done nothing this day and let it pass, I was so sick of it so I went and did something and I´m pretty damn happy about it :) I went to a huge concert that went on for almost four hours, so many things I worried about so it was quite the victory for me :) the tv stations were there, lot´s of people making documentaries, i could have been forced into interview live, I worried and obsessed about my looks, worried about drunken teenagers, other people, being seen in the media or in a documentary and so many other stuff but I enjoyed it all the same. I then walked on the streets with tens of thousands of people, so fun and we all went to the harbour to watch the fireworks. I didn´t have anyone to go with me so I just went alone and I was very close to the stage :) I am a little paranoid I think, I always expect people and especially teenagers to harass me but that didn´t happen and never does really but every time I go outside I am thinking about my head, face and expecting this, it was hard to go to this concert.

But now I have a new attitude, it´s better to live and have bad things happen to you than to let fear hold you in prison and not live at all. There is nothing as bad as looking back and seeing nothing, no life.

I appeared in pictures in the newspapers and in the tv news and it was so strange to look at myself and I just said Oh God :/ but then I looked at it several times and it wasn´t so bad, I think I judge myself so hard and see something others don´t but it doesn´t bother me so much now that I was filmed and photographed.

Just before the concert I was obsessing about my head and spent some time infront of the mirror and didn´t get any happier with my looks, never am but I just said Oh f@ck it and walked out the door :)

And I enjoyed the concert but now for the first time in a long time I felt the longing to share my joy with someone else, I would have wanted someone with me, that´s a change.